


Lone Star

by Syls Darkplace (sylsdarkplace)



Series: The Deep End [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Murder, Past Underage Sex, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 16:26:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 46,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7581454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylsdarkplace/pseuds/Syls%20Darkplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after falling for a teenage biker, Jared decides it’s time to take Jensen to Texas to meet his family. Worrying over his parents’ reactions, he never dreams that a fateful accident will change his life forever and threaten everything he and Jensen have together. As Jared struggles with the physical and emotional challenges of his injuries, Jensen is on his own without the support of the motorcycle club he calls family, and questioning his bond with Jared as members of Jared’s family draw him in for better and worse. Family and friends on both sides test their commitment to one another as they try to hold their relationship together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my awesome editor and beta . And I can't possibly say enough good things about the awesome art from 2blueshoes. Show your love at the art post, folks. I will be eternally grateful for my fic being chosen by such an talented artist. Lone Star is the sequel to The Deep End, which you can [read here at AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/622740/chapters/1124058), but it isn't necessary to be read first.  
> Master Art Posts: [LiveJournal](http://2blueshoes.livejournal.com/28823.html) and [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7546069)

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/B10t600_zpscedfnejd.jpg.html)

 

 

_You’ve asked me about my mom. I said I remember she had blond curls, and she slept a lot. And that was true. I guess, you didn’t ask again because maybe you thought there wasn’t anything else to tell or maybe you didn’t want to pry, but it wasn’t the whole truth. I just … I was really young and sometimes I’m not sure if it’s all real or not. Sometimes, I think maybe some of it came from a movie or a dream. I don’t know ‘cause J.D. won’t talk about her._

_But I remember when she left. I remember her yelling and glass breaking in the kitchen. I crept into the hallway but was too scared to go farther. And I heard J.D. talking to her, but she just kept screaming … and then she wasn’t. I could just hear his voice. So, I edged to the kitchen door. He was sitting on the floor with her lying in his arms. We had these dishes. Blue Willow, she called them...blue and white crockery smashed all over, smeared with red … J.D. saw me, and said, “Hey, buddy, it’s okay now. Hand me the phone, all right?”_

_I was still scared, but I did it. I gave him the phone. He asked me to go to my room. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be alone, but I went. There were sirens and flashing lights. The next morning the kitchen was clean, and she was gone._

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

**July 2013**

Jared’s arms had gone from tan to nut brown, and even though Jensen slathered every inch of exposed skin with sunscreen, his freckles had darkened over a golden tan. If it wasn’t for the motorcycle helmet, his hair would have bleached more than the glistening highlights from his time in the pool.

 

He took that moment to shoot ahead of Jared’s bike. He was riding a new Kawaski Vulcan that made his dad grit his teeth, because for J.D. anything but a Harley was sacrilege. The bike was quick and quiet and left all the Harleys in the dust. Jared shook his head and huffed. Much as he loved the boy, Jensen’s penchant for speed made his blood boil. Jared kept his bike at 80 mph as Jensen’s became a speck on the horizon.

 

Jared felt the tape holding the bandage over the inside of is left wrist starting to loosen, and he pressed it back down. Closest to the heel of his hand was a tattoo of three feathery strands of big bluestem prairie grass astounding in detail down to the yellow buds of its flower. Jensen had inked it back in his shop, and he had a matching one. In Missouri, they’d each gotten a bluebird above the prairie grass and yesterday in Oklahoma, they’d gotten a small bison above that. He knew Jensen had his eyes peeled since they’d entered Texas for a place to get a star or a yellow rose.

 

Right then, Jared was intent on catching up with the Japanese bike. Until he saw it ahead of him, the tightness would remain in his chest. He loved riding, but he hadn’t lost the anxiety of just how vulnerable the human body was hurtling through space at more than 100 mph, which he was pretty sure Jensen was exceeding.

 

He slowed as a blue and red Chevron sign came into view. Jensen was already standing beside his bike at one of the pumps. Jared rode in and pulled up close to the Kawaski. He pulled his helmet off and hung it on the side of the bike. He ran his hands through his hair, which clung damply to his neck and temples.

 

“About time,” Jensen said with a smirk.

 

Jared didn’t say a word as he got off his bike and walked to where Jensen stood pumping gas into his motorcycle. He got right into Jensen’s space and glowered down at him. Jensen wasn’t as tall as Jared, but his shoulders were getting broader, and he’d put on some hard muscle. Jared had a sense memory of every smooth, solid inch of the guy. They hadn’t shaved since they left Illinois, and they both sported three-day beard. Jensen hadn’t completely lost his boyish prettiness, and the reddish beard made his eyes impossibly greener. They crinkled at the corners as he looked up.

 

“You need to slow the fuck down,” Jared said. “I’m about to pull your pants down and turn you over my knee right here.”

 

Jensen smirked. “Is that a promise, baby?”

 

The heat boiling inside Jared only increased when lust joined the anger. “I wonder if the restrooms are clean.”

 

“Why? Afraid of getting your knees dirty when you suck my cock?”

 

“God, I love your filthy mouth,” Jared growled. He wanted to grab Jensen and kiss said filthy mouth, but they were in the middle of Bumfuck, Texas surrounded by who knew what level of rednecks. Their motorcycle club affiliation wasn’t likely to score them any points here. He walked to his bike sporting half a stock and unscrewed the gas cap. A thin layer of dust dimmed the sparkling chrome and midnight blue of the gas tank. The pump clicked off, and Jensen handed him the nozzle. Jared began to fill his own bike, and Jensen leaned on the pump.

 

“Looking for somewhere to get ink,” he said.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Jared said.

 

Jensen ran his fingers through his short, spiky hair.

 

“We should be in San Antonio by lunch tomorrow,” Jared said.

 

Jensen just nodded and kicked at a piece of gravel on the concrete.

 

“Nervous?”

 

Jensen looked up without lifting his head. “You think?” He sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “So what’s your mom like?”

 

Jared grinned. “She’s great. You’ll love her. It’s Dad you should worry about.”

 

“I get dads. Moms ...” He shrugged. Jared had the urge to hug him. He couldn’t imagine what it was like to grow up without a mom. When he’d asked Jensen if he remembered anything about his mother, he hadn’t much to say – blond hair, late sleeper. That was it, all Jensen knew of his mother.

 

“You love me, Jen, so Mama’s going to love you. Don’t worry about it. Besides, they’ll all be freaking out about me robbing the cradle. You’ll get a pass.”

 

“I’m not that young,” Jensen said. But he was, Jared thought, damn young, barely 21.

 

“I’ve spent a lot of conversations throwing up smokescreens about your real age and how long we’ve been together. I think that will all fall apart when we get there.” Jared returned the nozzle to the pump and put the gas cap back on his bike. “Fortunately, you don’t look quite so young anymore. Do me a favor and don’t shave. It helps.”

 

Jensen chuckled. “You’re worried.”

 

“They’re just regular middle class people. I love them and miss them, but ... yeah, I’m worried that this will blow up in my face. I don’t know that they would understand how this started.”

 

Jensen took a step toward him and then stopped himself. Jared understood the impulse to touch, but it was good practice to curb their displays of affection. He didn’t think that his parents would handle it as well as Jensen’s dad, J.D., did.

 

“You think we could find a motel before we find a tattoo shop?” Jared asked.

 

Jensen grinned. “Yeah, I think we can do that.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

_The last day of preschool everyone’s mom came with them. There was a picnic and games, and all the kids were paired up with their moms. Except me, you know. One of the teachers, Miss Julie, played the games with me. She was really nice. Pretty. She had shiny brown hair and ... but you know, she had other stuff she had to do to. So at lunch, I sat by my friend Bradley. His mom was talking with another mom, and ... One of the girls, Sissy, asked where my mom was, and her mom told her not to be nosey. There was something about it, the way she said ... I felt embarrassed. I don’t know why._

_We were playing tag after lunch, and I fell and cut my knee open on a rock. It hurt a lot and bled enough that Sissy started crying. Her mom came and scooped her up and held her. Bradley yelled, and Miss Julie came and took me inside. She washed the cut and put a Band-Aid on it. I didn’t cry even when she put Bactine on it, which really stung. I wanted to, but I didn’t. She kissed my forehead and told me I was a really brave little boy._

_J.D. asked me about my knee when he came to pick me up, and I told him about falling, and having hotdogs and ice cream at lunch, and playing games. I asked him if he liked Miss Julie. He asked me why, and I said, “Don’t you think she’s pretty?” He smiled and said, “I don’t think I’m her type, J.R.”_

 

 

 

Jensen took the exit ramp faster than Jared probably would have liked, but he’d behaved up to that point. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to race ahead just to feel the adrenaline rush of speed, but he knew Jared worried about him. While it sometimes caught in his craw the way Jared fretted, it made him feel good too. Anyway, they were getting off the interstate because he’d seen the highway sign indicating motels, and they’d been on the road long enough for his ass to be tired. He’d felt the same pull at the gas station that Jared had. Hell, Jensen would have sworn Jared had his own gravitational field. It hadn’t weakened since that first time the tall, shaggy haired new neighbor walked over to ask about trash pick-up. If anything, it was stronger.

 

Jensen was debating between Best Western and Super 8, when he spotted a little tattoo shop in a strip mall across the highway. He didn’t hesitate before pulling in. Might as well check it out. He turned the bike off with a feeling of affection. Sure, he’d grown up with Harleys and loved them, but damn, this bike was fast and reliable and handled like a dream. He took off his helmet as Jared pulled in next to him.

 

Jared took off his helmet and gave him a hard look. “We were going to get a room first,” Jared said.

 

“It’ll take ten minutes,” Jensen said.

 

Jared’s mouth dropped open, and he shook his head. “You know what your dad told me the first time we met? That if your lips were moving, you were probably lying.”

 

Jensen raised his eyebrows and refusing to be baited said, “I love you, you know.”

 

Jared shook his head and got off his bike. “You son of a bitch.”

 

“Oh come on, don’t be like that, big guy,” he followed Jared who held the door of the shop open for him.

 

There was an old bald guy with a white beard at the counter. “Help you all?”

 

There was an array of photos pinned to the walls, and Jensen’s gaze swept over them. They showed a respectable mix of designs and distinctive style.

 

“Yeah, we just need a couple Texas stars.” Jensen held out his wrist to show the three tattoos on the underside. “It’s a sort of travel journal. This is Illinois, Missouri, and Oklahoma.” Jensen pointed to each in turn. The artist eyed them before pointing to the first.

 

“What’s that? Some kind of weed?”

 

“It’s prairie grass, big bluestem.”

 

“Pretty. That’s real delicate work.”

 

“Thanks, it’s mine.”

 

“You’ve got a fine hand. I’m Sarge.”

 

“Jensen. This is Jared.”

 

“So you’re just looking for a lone star?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“One each?”

 

“That’s right.”

 

“Hmph. Come on back.”

 

In the end, it cost them forty bucks total, but took a little longer than Jensen said.

 

“A half hour,” Jared said as they left. Jensen rolled his eyes. “I’m just sayin’, Jen. Not that I believed ten minutes in the first place.”

 

Jensen picked up Jared’s helmet and hit him in the gut with it. “Do you want to fight or fuck?”

 

Jared jammed the helmet on his head and started his bike.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Jensen said to himself as Jared rode away.

 

When he pulled in next to Jared in front of the Best Western, Jared was already getting off his bike. The place looked deserted. Just a dusty, late model Camry and a beat up Buick sat in the lot.

 

“Grab the duffels. I’ll get a room,” Jared said and walked away. Jensen just watched for a moment. That was his – all long legs and tight ass, leather vest stretched over broad shoulders. The wind lifted Jared’s chestnut hair, and Jensen’s heartbeat quickened.

 

Jensen hastened to un-strap the duffel bags and hefted the straps over his shoulders. Helmet in hand, he followed Jared into the motel. It was quiet and dark and kind of musty. Jared was finishing up their reservation and directed Jensen down a long hallway toward a staircase at the back of the building.

 

“No elevator? Really?” Jensen said.

 

Jared’s only answer was, “Hurry up, Jen.”

 

The carpet of an undetermined color was worn down the center of the hall and fraying on the stair risers. The paint on the handrail was worn down to bare wood but looked clean enough.

 

Jared stopped in front of a door marked 218 and swiped the card. He grabbed the strap of one of the duffel bags and yanked Jensen into the stuffy room. A bleary strip of light fell through the sheers at the window. The bags hit the floor with a thump as Jared shoved Jensen against the wall.

 

Jensen loved that Jared was still bigger and stronger. There was something about the way Jared manhandled him, overpowered him even, that ratcheted up his arousal like nothing else. Not that he really resisted; he had no resistance when it came to Jared. So what if he aggravated Jared knowing that his lover would be a little rougher as he worked off steam. They both got off on it.

 

Jared had their legs slotted together and Jensen’s arms pinned to the wall. Jensen was holding perfectly still, letting Jared do as he liked, nipping and sucking at Jensen’s lips and neck, but the need was building, all the restless, needy energy he’d kept tamped down was rising. He was kindling to Jared’s flame. Jared’s mouth was a hot, wet suction on his neck, and Jensen’s cock was getting a dry rub on Jared’s thigh through two layers of denim. Jared growled when Jensen’s t-shirt impeded his way. There was a yank of cloth against Jensen’s neck. The rip of fabric was loud in the close space. Jared lips locked over his collar bone. His skin stung and burned as Jared sucked and rolled the skin between his teeth.

 

“Jay, please,” he said.

 

Jared licked the bruise. “What d’ya want, Jen?”

 

“Fuck me,” Jensen said. Jared moved away, and the sudden lack of pressure and hands was a shock. Cool air washed over his sweat damp skin.

 

“Take your clothes off,” Jared said. He was walking toward the bed, stripping his shirt off and exposing his finely muscled back. Jensen followed as though tethered by an invisible cord. He wrapped an arm around Jared’s waist and nipped hard at the muscle of his shoulder.

 

“Fuck!” Jared twisted around, grabbed Jensen and laid him out on his back. “You want to play rough? Huh?”

 

Jensen grinned up at him. “Yeah.”

 

“Yeah?” Jared tore the already ruined t-shirt the rest of the way down the center. “I told you to take your fucking clothes off.”

 

“Make me.” Jensen’s chest was heaving and his heart was hammering.

 

Jared shook his head and walked away. “No, I’m not playing that game. Take your clothes off like I told you.” Jared sat down on the bed and pulled his boots off. He rose with his back to Jensen began to undress. “Hurry up, Jen.”

 

Jensen didn’t get up. He toed his boots off where he lay. As he unbuttoned the fly of his jeans and eased the zipper down, he watched Jared slide his jeans and then his boxer briefs down his long legs. Jensen pulled his cock out and smeared precome over the head and down the shaft. He watched the way the muscles of Jared’s ass moved and bunched under the skin. He couldn’t get enough of the man.

 

Jared turned and looked at him still lying on the floor with his jeans mostly on, stroking himself like Jared was the hottest porn he’d ever seen. Maybe he was. Jensen saw miles of golden skin, firm muscle, long, thick cock, flushed and hard, precome glistening at the tip. He could almost taste, feel it on his tongue.

 

“Thought you wanted me to fuck you?” Jared said.

 

“What are you waiting for, big guy?”

 

Jared’s nostrils flared like an angry bull, and Jensen smiled inwardly. Jared bent, grabbed the hems of his jeans, and yanked. Jensen couldn’t help letting out a small surprised sound as he was shucked out of the denim. The coarse weave of the carpet heated up his shoulder blades as his hips were lifted off the floor and he was dragged forward.

 

“That what you want?” Jared growled. “Huh?” He was on the floor, rolling Jensen over. Jared grabbed him by the hips, dragged him to his knees, and yanked his briefs down. “Tell me.”

 

“Fuck me,” Jensen begged. He’s right back where he was the first time – all the arousal and anticipation of being taken by Jared. His every teenage wet dream realized and surpassed. Jared knew how to play him with every rough caress and tender thrust. “Come on, wreck me.”

 

“God, I’ve been wanting this all day,” Jared said. Jensen could hear Jared digging through the duffel bag with one hand for the lube and then the click of the plastic lid. “I’ve got a hell of a load saved up for you.”

 

There wasn’t going to be any prep. They were both too wound up for that. Jensen knew it would hurt. He looked forward to it. His cock ached and oozed precome onto the ratty carpet that was biting into his knees.

 

“Hurry up,” he begged.

 

Jared pressed the head of his cock against Jensen’s puckered opening, and the pain was sharp as the muscle stretched open and the head popped inside. Jared didn’t pause. He grabbed Jensen’s hips and pulled him back onto his cock. He kept pushing, filling.

 

“Ah fuck,” Jensen moaned. No matter how many times they did this, it was a minor revelation how satisfying it was, how right it felt. When his balls were pressed against Jensen’s ass, Jared paused.

 

“That good, baby? You full?”

 

Jensen let out a contented hum.

 

“Good, cause now?” Jared pulled part way out and then snapped his hips forward, nailing Jensen’s prostate and punching a grunt from his throat. “Now, I’m going to pound bruises on your pretty little ass. You’re going to remember this every time you sit down.”

 

Jared proceeded to keep that promise. In no time, Jensen’s hole was slick with Jared’s precome and open and full. His balls were heavy and tight, drawing up, and Jared was punching moan after moan from him with each snap of his hips. When the orgasm hit, it was like being tossed into a stormy sea. It crashed over him huge and dark. All he could do was surrender to it, ride it out until he was floating, drifting on the swells of pleasure. He had no control as he shook and bucked under Jared’s hands.

 

When he came back to himself he was lying in his own slick on the questionable green carpet. Jared was leaning over him panting. “Wow,” Jared said.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen replied. Jared got to his feet and pulled Jensen up to his. Jensen’s muscles quivered with fatigue, and the skin of his knees and elbows felt abraded. Jared wrapped his arms around him.

 

“Damn, but you’re beautiful when you’re all messed up and fucked out like this,” Jared said. There was a tenderness in his voice that reached right down inside Jensen and stroked every soft place inside him.

 

Jensen looked up into those tilted hazel eyes that looked at him like no one else ever had – like he was special and valuable and good. Jensen knew there was nothing he wouldn’t give Jared, nothing he wouldn’t do for him. Sometimes that scared him, but mostly it felt right. Jared kissed him.

 

“How about a hot shower?” Jared said.

 

“Sounds good,” Jensen said turned toward the bathroom, and he flinched when Jared slapped him on the ass.

 

“Sore, Jen?”

 

He was about to make a nasty retort when he saw the grin on Jared’s face, dimples showing and eyes sparkling, and he laughed instead. Wrapping his arm around the taller man, he drew him into the shower for a second more leisurely round.

 

 

 

_I guess it was weird the way I grew up. I didn’t think much of it until I started school. Other kids might live with one parent, but they all had two even if their dad wasn’t around. I was weird because I didn’t have a mom. When they asked me where she was, I didn’t have an answer. After a while, I started saying she was dead, but it was too late. It was a small town. They knew I didn’t know. I was just a freak without a mom._

_No one really bugged me about it though, not until fifth grade when Jimmy Bevins got on my ass about it at recess one day. He was bigger than everyone. He’d been held back a year, and he had a chip on his shoulder. He said that he knew what happened to my mom, that she was crazy and tried to kill me and my dad. He said, they’d taken her away and locked her up in the state hospital. I bloodied his nose. J.D. had to come get me from school. That was the first time for fighting. He didn’t ask me why, and I didn’t tell him. It was off limits._

_When I went back to school … I don’t know, it was different._

 

 

 

 

They were just coming into the first interstate exit outside Dallas, and Jared was getting hungry. He slowly pushed ahead of Jensen watching road signs for a place to eat. The black-and-white checkerboard for a Steak ‘n Shake was visible off to his right and he took the ramp. Checking his mirror, he saw Jensen was a fair distance behind him. The light was green at the top of the ramp, and he merged onto the four-lane street. He checked his mirror as he moved into the left lane and descended the overpass. The light ahead was green. That’s when he realized that Jensen had gotten caught by the last traffic light. He couldn’t slow down much because an old El Camino had pulled into the lane behind him and the traffic light ahead was still green.

 

He decided he’d pull over once he got through the light to let Jensen catch up. He looked in his mirror once more just as he was about to enter the intersection. The El Camino had dropped back slightly, but the light was green. It was so close that the hulking form of the eighteen-wheeler was just a mass in the corner of his eye, but he reacted by jerking the bike’s handle bars and leaning hard to the left. He laid the bike down and let go. He didn’t feel the pain of his shoulder dislocating when he hit the pavement, but for a brief moment he saw the bike slide ahead of him under the trailer. Then, there was nothing but giddy motion, weightlessness like a thrill ride before he hit the pavement again, bounced and rolled. A dark shadow moved over him. It seemed endless. Time stretched within seconds and then sped up like someone had hit fast forward on a DVD remote.

 

He was on his back with the blinding Texas sun pouring in the through the visor of the helmet. And there was pain, fierce and seemingly everywhere. He took that as a good thing. If he was in pain, he wasn’t paralyzed. He lay there for a moment making an assessment. Conscious and not paralyzed, so far, so good. He moved his arms and struggled to sit up. His chest felt kind of tight, and there was a lot of pain on his left side.

 

Suddenly, there was a woman leaning over him. “Don’t try to get up, honey,” she said. “There’s an ambulance on the way.”

 

“Don’t need an ambulance,” he said and tried to sit up again. The helmet felt too heavy and his head fell back on the pavement.

 

“God this is nasty,” a man’s voice said. “Give me your belt.” Pain shot up his leg. It was blinding, and his entire body tried to jerk away.

 

“Just hold still,” the woman said, but he couldn’t. He had to get away from the pain.

 

“Jared!” Jensen was there on his knees leaning over him. “Don’t move. Hey, you’re going to be okay.” But Jensen was afraid. He could see it in the way the kid’s freckles stood out against too-pale skin. His eyes were huge and glistening. Jared’s chest was so tight; it was hard to breathe. He gasped.

 

“Stay with me,” Jensen said.

 

“S’okay, Jen.”

 

 

 

_It’s not like I didn’t ask J.D. about my mom. When I was little he’d say, “It’s just you and me, kid. We’re all we need.” As I got older, he’d tell me to leave it alone and stop asking._

_When I was, I don’t know, fourteen or something, we got into it about me going to church of all things. I know, right? It’s not like I was interested in religion, but this boy ... Billy Daniels, he had really blue eyes and brown wavy hair. Anyway, he was going to vacation Bible school. Really. Anyway, J.D. was adamant that I wasn’t going. I just didn’t get it even though, you know, I did sort of. He didn’t want the Jesus freaks as he called them judging me. I knew that, but it’s not like I didn’t deal with it all the time at school. I figured I could handle it._

_I was really furious, just lost it, and screamed at him that if my mom were there she’d let me go to church. I’ve never seen him look that way before – like I’d punched him. Then, he was furious. He was shaking, and I thought he was going to hit me. He never had, never has, but I really thought I’d finally pushed him to it. Then he said, really quiet like, he said that I didn’t have a fucking mom. That’s all. He just walked out. He came in really late, and I knew from all the noise he made that he was drunk._

_I went with Billy to vacation Bible school for a couple days, but it turns out that J.D. was right._


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header1_zps4cybqf1r.png.html)

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

Jensen didn’t hesitate to get back on his bike and follow the ambulance to the hospital. He’d been riding them since he was a little kid. It wasn’t the bike’s fault or Jared’s that some inattentive fuckwad ran a red light. He’d kill the driver later. At that moment, he was only thinking of Jared.

 

He wasn’t paying attention to the reactions he got when he stormed into the university hospital ER with his helmet in his hand. He didn’t see the handful of people lounging in the waiting area watching TV and munching on vending machine snacks.

 

“Motorcycle accident,” he said to the woman at reception.

 

She looked up from the computer screen in front of her. “He’s being treated.” She was probably about thirty with a sandy blonde bob and a round face. Angie, according to her name tag.

 

“I want to see him.”

 

“No one can go back right now. You’ll have to wait,” she said. “Are you family?”

 

“Yes, he …” He was what? In Illinois, Jensen had legal rights, but here in Texas, it meant nothing. He eyed the little gold cross hanging around her. “He’s like a brother.”

 

“Sorry, hon, we have to go by the law,” she said. “We have his ID and insurance card. The EMT found his cell phone, and we’ve called his folks.”

 

“They’re four hours away in San Antonio,” he said.

 

“We’re doing everything we can for him,” she said. “Really, there’s nothing you can do but wait.”

 

“Can you … will they at least let me know what’s going on?”

 

She sucked her lips between her teeth.

 

“Please,” Jensen said.

 

“We’ll see.”

 

Jensen turned away. “Fuck.” A woman waiting with a little boy glared at him. He walked straight back out the door. He needed to call his dad. He needed to hit something. He needed to scream.

 

“Hey,” a voice called behind him.

 

An EMT was walking toward him with Jared’s helmet. He handed it to Jensen. There were marks scored in it from hitting the pavement, but it was otherwise undamaged.

 

“Good helmet,” the EMT said. He was tall with gray eyes and dark hair. “Damn good thing he was wearing it.”

 

“You took it off him?!”

 

“Nah, ER doc.”

 

“Oh,” Jensen said. “How was he when you brought him in?”

 

“In shock, but we got him here. This is the best trauma unit in the area.”

 

“They won’t tell me anything in there because, you know, I’m not family. I just … His leg was really bad wasn’t it?”

 

There was a hesitation and then a nod from the blue eyed guy before he spoke. “Yeah, you saw it. I really can’t say any more.”

 

“Please, tell me the worst possible and then it’ll be a relief if it doesn’t happen,” Jensen said.

 

The EMT eyed Jensen for a moment. He let his breath out with a huff as though he’d made decision he was likely to regret. “I don’t know if they can save his leg.”

 

Jensen stopped breathing and stared at a spot over the EMT’s shoulder. In his mind, he saw Jared coming in from his morning run, drenched in sweat and grinning, rain or snow or sunshine. Jensen teased him that one day he’d slip on ice and break his neck – see how healthy that was. He squeezed his eyes shut. They’d fix his leg. They had to.

 

His attention snapped back to the EMT who was still talking. “… but beyond that I’m not a doctor and anyway HIPPA. He was banged up pretty bad. Like I said, that helmet probably saved his life or prevented serious brain damage at least.”

 

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, best 600 bucks I ever spent.”

 

The EMT squinted at him and then put out his hand. “Andy.”

 

Jensen took his hand and shook it. “Jensen.”

 

“You got any family or friends here in Dallas?”

 

“No, his family’s on their way from San Antonio, but I’ve never met them.”

 

Andy got his wallet out of his back pants pocket and dug around before pulling out a business card and handing it to Jensen. “If you all need anything while you’re in town, give me a call.”

 

“Thanks ... I, um, thank you.”

 

“De nada. I gotta get going.” Andy was already in motion, backing away. “I’ll keep your guy in my prayers, man.”

 

Tears stung Jensen’s eyes and his throat was too tight to speak. He took a few deep breaths and went back inside to the nurses’ desk.

 

“Any news?” he asked.

 

“No,” Angie said. “All we can do is wait.”

 

“Wait?” He huffed out a breath. He had a helmet in each hand, and he set them up on the counter. “Listen, is there somewhere that I could stash these?”

 

She looked like she was going to say no, and then she nodded. “Yeah, give ‘em here. I’ll put them down under my desk.”

 

“Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

 

He went to the vending machines and got a cup of coffee. He grimaced at the bitter almost gritty liquid, but it was hot and he figured he was going to need the caffeine now that the adrenaline was wearing off. A headache was starting behind his eyes. He took a seat as far as he could get from the rest of the people in the waiting room. He didn’t want to chat with anyone.

 

He knew he should call his dad, but he didn’t think he could talk to him. He didn’t know if it would make him feel better or worse. He slowly sipped the coffee. It was funny how J.D. and Jared had slowly negotiated a relationship. Jensen knew that at first his father had mistrusted Jared who was a part of that law-abiding segment of society that J.D. saw as a threat. He’d made it perfectly clear that he knew Jensen was the predator in their relationship and Jared was prey, but he also knew that he had something over on Jared because of it. Bringing Jared into the business was another way of guaranteeing his silence. Jared wasn’t stupid. He’d known what J.D. was up to.

 

Over time however, they’d come to like each other. J.D. was disarmed by Jared’s open good humor and the way he felt about Jensen. He respected Jared’s ability to deal with the complicated financial problems he’d handed him.

 

For his part, Jared had come to respect J.D.’s ability to handle people, sometimes half-crazy, violent criminals. He commanded respect just in his manner, but Jared saw that there was more to him. He had an uncanny ability to read people, to know their weaknesses and strengths, and he knew how to play on those. And he came to see how much J.D. loved his son in his rough, almost grudging way.

 

Jensen sighed and rose. Knowing that J.D. would be furious the longer he waited, he headed outside to make the call. He walked as far from the entrance as he could and still remain in the shade of the building before hitting the speed dial.

 

“Morgan’s.”

 

“Mikey, let me talk to my dad,” Jensen said.

 

“Hey, man ...” Mikey said started to say to him, but perhaps hearing something in Jensen’s voice, he changed direction. “Hey, it’s J.R.”

 

“J.R?” he said when he came on the line.

 

“Dad ...” He couldn’t get anything else out. His throat closed up. He leaned his arm against the brick wall and put his forehead on it. </span>

 

 

 

 

Jared was lying on the blacktop,  
still. Jensen dropped his bike before it had come to a stop and ran.  
Jared’s left leg was bent wrong,  
blood soaked the denim. A man and woman hovered over him. The man moved to look at his leg. Jared’s arms flailed and  
he tried to lift his head.

 

 

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

 

Jensen sucked in a breath. “Jared was in accident.”

 

“Fuck,” J.D. said quietly. Men were talking in the background. “Shut up!” J.D. shouted to the room and there was silence. “How is he, son?”

 

“He’s … his leg is really fucked up.” Jensen had to force breath through his throat. “And I don’t know, I don’t know. They won’t tell me much. His folks aren’t here yet, and I’m, I’m not family.” That was it. There were tears running down his face.

 

“Son of a bitch,” J.D. said. “Do you want me to come down? I can be there tonight.”

 

“You don’t have to do that,” Jensen said.

 

“I know I don’t have to. Where are you?”

 

“Dad ...”

 

“Shut up and answer me.”

 

That was so J.D. that Jensen let out something between a laugh and a sob. “Dallas, Baylor Hospital.”

 

“Sit tight and I’ll see you later.”

 

“Dad ...”

 

“Hey, someone’s going to have to ride your bike back so you can fly home with Jared,” he said.

 

“You’d do that?” he was trying to joke, but his voice quavered. His dad was coming, and everything would be okay. “Ride a Japanese bike?”

 

J.D. huffed out a laugh. “Nobody will see me with that helmet of yours on.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I’ll see ya later, kid. Hang tough.”

 

“Thanks, J.D.”

 

“You bet.”

 

Jensen pushed himself away from the wall and wiped his eyes. He took a few deep breaths and went back in to wait in the strangely placid faux wood and tile waiting room. It seemed like forever, and he paced and drank coffee and watched game show contestants vie for prizes one after another not remembering a thing he saw. He recognized Jared’s family the moment they walked in from photos around the house. There was his dad, Ed, his mom, Cathy, younger sister, Brittany, and one of his older brothers, Jordan. They didn’t know him, but seeing his boots and jeans and leather vest, when he approached, they made the connection.

 

“You must be Jensen,” Ed said.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How is he?” Cathy asked.

 

“All I know is what an EMT told me,” Jensen said. “There didn’t appear to be severe head trauma. He had on a good helmet, but …” Jensen felt that quaver coming back in his voice.

 

“But what?” Ed said.

 

“His leg is really fucked up,” Jensen said. “He … they don’t know if they can save it.”

 

“Oh God!” Brittany said. “Oh no, they have to.” She buried her face against Jordan’s chest.

 

“Has the doctor been out?” Cathy asked.

 

“They won’t tell me anything,” Jensen said.

 

Jared’s mom was a nurse and understood what he meant. She nodded. “We’ll find something out,” she said. Ed and Cathy went to the desk. Moments later, they were ushered into the back, and Jensen was left with Jordan and Brittany. Jensen felt a flash of anger but pushed it down.

 

“Your mom must hate me,” Jensen said.

 

Jordan’s brows rose and Brittany frowned.

 

“He wouldn’t have been on a bike if it weren’t for me.”

 

“He’s an adult. You didn’t make him ride it,” Jordan said.

 

 

 

 

The bike is going down, skidding and Jared hits the pavement,  
 bounces, rolls. The truck is still moving. Jared goes under the trailer,  
 disappears. He’s gone.  
 Jensen gives his bike throttle and races toward the truck,  
 swerving around the rear as it comes to a stop.

 

 

He stood and paced, tried to get his breathing under control again.

 

The visitors’ door slid open silently, and a tall man with shaggy brown hair came in. Jordan and Brittany rose and met him. Jensen knew that this was Jared’s eldest brother Jeremy. He stood back warily thinking of slipping away, but Jordan caught his eye.

 

“Jer, this is Jensen,” he said.

 

The older man looked at him and nodded. Jensen nodded back.

 

“I can’t believe this,” Brittany said. “I just ... it’s so horrible.”

 

“He’s going to be okay,” Jordan said. He put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her against his side.

 

“That’s right,” Jeremy said. “At least it happened close to home.”

 

“This isn’t his home,” Jensen said. The anger that had been simmering since he got to the hospital boiled to the surface. “His home’s in Illinois where I’m considered his family, and as soon as he’s well enough I’m taking him out of this fucking redneck state.”

 

Brittany’s hand flew to her mouth, and Jordan’s jaw tightened, but Jeremy stepped toward him.

 

“How dare you! You think you’re better than us? Cause I got news for you, you’re nothing but a foul-mouthed faggot.”

 

Jensen shoved him. “That’s what you think? Why the fuck are you even here?”

 

“He’s my brother!”

 

“And he’s my husband!” Jensen’s hand was balled into a fist, and he didn’t know if was the look in Jeremy’s eyes or Cathy’s shouts that held him back from punching the guy.

 

“Stop it! Both of you! Stop it right now!” Her eyes were red and wet, and her fists were clenched. “This isn’t the time or the place. My God, Jared’s being prepped for surgery and you two can either get along or leave.”

 

Jensen turned and walked out. He got to the curb and stopped. It was almost dark, and insects were already buzzing under the parking lot lights. He was angry with himself. The goodwill of Jared’s family was the only thing that would allow him to be near Jared. The last thing he needed to do was alienate them, but he knew that Jeremy was the one who had been the most resistant when Jared came out.

 

He heard footsteps and someone stopped beside him. He was surprised to see it was Jeremy. He looked superficially like Jared with the same jawline and nose, but it was clear that his wasn’t a face that was accustomed to smiling as Jared’s was. The man took a pack of Marlboros out of his pocket and offered it Jensen who pulled one from the pack.

 

“I don’t smoke,” Jensen said before putting it to his lips. Jeremy lit it.

 

“I won’t tell my brother,” Jeremy said. He lit his own cigarette. They stood in silence, smoking and watching bats swoop in to catch insects. “I called Jared a couple of years ago. We hadn’t spoken in two or three years. We talked about the Cowboys and movies, nothing important. It became a habit. We’d talk once or twice a month, but still not about our lives, you know. I guess ... I don’t know. Then when my wife had Kayla, I called and told him. It broke through that wall we’d had up. He told me that he was going to get married, and I said stupid things, hurtful. It was wrong. I know that ... I ...” He turned slightly toward Jensen who looked up. Jeremy’s eyes were as red as Cathy’s had been. Tears stood in them. “I never told mom and dad, any of them, about you all getting married or whatever it’s called. Neither did Jared, you know.”

 

Jensen sucked his lips between his teeth and looked away. He shook his head and looked back. “He never told me, but that explains why he didn’t tell them. Do you want me to tell you it’s okay? That I forgive you? Because it isn’t, and I don’t. I expect you to make it up to him.” Jeremy nodded and didn’t meet Jensen’s eye. “Now if you’ll excuse me. I have to go apologize to your mom … if she’ll talk to me. You are right about one thing. I have a foul mouth.”

 

Jensen went inside and was directed to the third floor waiting room where he found Cathy and Ed. Brittany and Jordan had gone in search of food.

 

“Sit down, Jensen,” Cathy said and patted the green vinyl chair beside hers.

 

“Listen,” he said as he sat down. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

 

She nodded. “I know. I deal with people in these kinds of situations all the time.” She pulled him closer and kissed his cheek. He didn’t know what to do and held himself very still. She leaned back and patted his shoulder.

 

Jordan and Brittany came back with sandwiches and chips and soda, and Jeremy wandered in. Jensen ate half a turkey sandwich and drank more coffee. He thumbed through an old issue of _Popular Mechanics_ and paced.

 

Everyone surged to their feet when two doctors came in. Jensen hung back behind the others, just close enough to hear what was said. One was in his fifties with a bald head and wire rimmed glasses. The other was taller with thick dark hair. The bald man addressed Ed and Cathy.

 

“I’m Mike Edgington,” the bald doctor said. “I’m an orthopedic surgeon, and this is Dr. Andrews. He’s a neurosurgeon. We’ll be heading Jared’s surgical team. We’re hoping that we can repair the break to your son’s leg and restore movement, but I don’t want to get your hopes up. This is a serious fracture that includes nerve and tissue damage ...”

 

 

 

 

Jensen is kneeling on the hot black top. Jared’s hands flail and  
he tries to raise his head, but it falls back to the pavement.  
He concentrates on Jared’s face through the visor of the helmet.  
He doesn’t want to look ... He saw the blood and the leg at an impossible angle. He sees Jared’s lips move before his  
eyes fall shut.

 

 

 

“J.R.?”

 

The voice jerked him out of the waking nightmare. He turned and strong arms went around him. The smell of leather and Old Spice brought tears to his eyes.

 

“Dad.”

 

“Hey,” J.D. said. He held him tight and pretended Jensen wasn’t crying. Then, he patted Jensen hard on the back and pushed him to arm’s length. Brown eyes searched his face. Jensen sniffed and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

“So how’s Stretch, huh?” J.D. asked.

 

“They’re taking him in to surgery,” Jensen said.

 

“He’s going to be fine, son,” J.D. said firmly. “Even God couldn’t drag him away from you.”

 

“That’s right,” Cathy said coming up beside Jensen. “I’m Jared’s mother, Cathy, this my husband, Ed. You must be Jensen’s father.”

 

“That’s right. J.D. Morgan,” he said and shook her hand and then Ed’s. If there was any confusion about the difference in last names, no one mentioned it. J.D. joined the group and was filled in on Jared’s condition and what was to be expected. Cathy took the lead in the conversation, using her nursing experience and training to translate the doctor’s information when they didn’t understand it and answer questions that they hadn’t thought to ask before. Jensen didn’t say much. He just wanted to see Jared, touch him, make sure that it was true, he was really alive.

 

Brittany curled up in a chair and went to sleep, and Jordan fell asleep across a couch. Cathy bought a paperback at the hospital gift shop and lost herself in it. Jeremy disappeared. Jensen leaned back and shut his eyes, but he couldn’t sleep because the movie kept replaying in his mind’s eye.

 

 

 

 

The semi’s trailer like a billboard in red and black  
Jared disappearing beneath it

 

 

 

Ed and J.D. talked quietly about cars and football and the chances of the Bears or Cowboys going to the Super Bowl, but they must have thought him asleep.

 

“Tell me the truth,” Ed said. “How old is he?” Jensen didn’t give any indication that he was awake and knew that he was being talked about.

 

There was a pause before J.D. answered, “Twenty-one.”

 

 “Shit,” Ed said under his breath. “You must have wanted to kill Jared.”

 

J.D. didn’t speak for a moment. “It was a thought, but let me tell you something, that kid there is relentless when he sees something he wants. Jared didn’t stand a chance.”

 

“Still, Jared was the adult.”

 

“Are we talking about the same guy?” J.D. huffed out a quiet laugh. “Listen, I could have told him to stay away from my kid. I could have threatened him, and it might have worked on Jared. But that little shit – you can quit playing possum, J.R. – he would have fought tooth and nail.”

 

Jensen opened his eyes, and J.D. smiled at him. Jensen looked away.

 

“See, I know my kid,” J.D. said.

 

Ed nodded and rose to his feet with a groan. “Think I need to stretch my legs.”

 

J.D. moved to sit next to Jensen. “Hangin’ in there?” He slapped Jensen’s knee.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said quietly. He shot a glance at Cathy to see if she was still engrossed in her book. “I keep seeing it over and over in my head, and it ... I feel it all over again.”

 

J.D. rubbed the back of Jensen’s neck. “You remember Sly?”

 

Jensen nodded. Sly was one of J.D.’s buddies. He’d died in a crash when Jensen was in middle school.

 

“I was with him that day,” he said. “I know about that movie in your head, son. He was a friend, a good friend. I had trouble sleeping for weeks. But Jared is going to be okay.”

 

Jensen nodded. “I hope so, but this is major surgery. Something could happen, and he runs every day. If ... They have to fix it.”

 

J.D. put his arm around Jensen’s shoulder and hugged him. “They’re doing everything they can, kid.”

 

The surgery went on for hours, and there was nothing to do but read old magazines and try to doze, but ...

 

 

 

 

There’s a flash of bright red,  
the tractor,  
Jared and the bike as he lays it down and rolls,  
disappears under the trailer.  
Jensen’s running, dropping his helmet on the pavement,  
falling to his knees. Jared’s arms flail. His helmet clunks on the road as his head drops back. There’s blood and bone.  
Shouting, sirens ...

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header1_zps4cybqf1r.png.html)

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

Every time Jensen closed his eyes the movie started again. Sometimes the images were shuffled out of order, but there was an endless loop of blood and adrenaline and fear . He’d get up and pace, go to the vending machine and buy coffee that he’d take only a few sips of and throw out or set down and let it get cold.

 

The others would talk quietly amongst themselves or to J.D. A couple of times, Jordan or Ed tried to engage Jensen, but he couldn’t answer more than a few syllables. He couldn’t concentrate on what was being said. It all seemed stupid. How could they think of anything but Jared?

 

Jensen was leaning on the vending machine watching, but not really seeing, hot brown liquid draining into a paper cup when Cathy walked up beside him.

 

“That stuff is going to eat your stomach up if you don’t put some food in it,” she said.

 

Jensen side-eyed her.

 

“Let me get you something,” she said. She peered into the snack machine. “Chips or a muffin?”

 

“No thanks,” he said. He got his coffee out of the machine and started to walk down the hall away from the waiting room. She fell into step beside him.

 

“So Ed tells me you’re 21,” she said. He glanced over at her. She wasn’t very tall, small for a woman with such big sons. She looked so tired, faded. “I always wondered why Jared never had photos of you when he came to visit.” Jensen didn’t say anything, so she continued. “You must have been, what, sixteen when you met?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m going to have a long talk with my son when he wakes up,” she said. They’d reached the end of the hall and were in a lounge with large windows that looked out over the darkened grounds of a nursing home next to the hospital. Jensen walked to the expanse of black glass. A pool of light outside the service entrance of the nursing home was the only thing visible below. Beyond it, the lights of Dallas spread out.

 

“That’s it?” Jensen asked. Resentment burned his in chest again. He turned to her for the first time and really looked her in the eye. “He could lose his leg. Hell, he could die in surgery, and you’re concerned about that? About a mistake he made five years ago? What the hell is the matter with you?”

 

Her lips compressed into a tight line. “I’m upset about him committing an illegal act with a minor,” she said. “Mistake or not, that decision and every one after have led him to this moment.”

 

Jensen took a step back. He couldn’t breathe. The anger was gone, and he nodded. “I know it’s my fault.”

 

The anger drained from her face. He could see the regret. “No,” she said. “It isn’t your fault. His decisions were his own. You didn’t make him do anything. He chose to get involved with a teenage boy, and he chose to ride motorcycles. That isn’t your fault.”

 

He nodded. “I pursued him. I got him to ride.”

 

Her eyes narrowed. “Oh honey, you didn’t drive that semi through that red light. This isn’t your fault.”

 

Jensen eyed her warily. “You just said ...”

 

“That I’m angry with my son,” she said. “I raised him to be responsible and conscientious, and I’m disappointed in him. My God, if some man had done that with him when he was 16, I would have … I would have had him thrown in jail.”

 

Jensen just nodded and stared at the toes of his boots.

 

She sighed. “What you said to Jeremy earlier ...”

 

“I was just mad.”

 

“I know, but you said you were Jared’s husband. Is that how you feel about him?”

 

He looked at her and debated the answer. “Illinois has a civil union law, so we ... Yeah, we have a license.”

 

A half dozen emotions flickered over her face. “You are married?”

 

He fought back the urge to cry, hoped it didn’t show. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

 

Her eyes filled with tears. “He got married and didn’t even tell me,” she said and swiped tears from her cheeks.

 

“It’s not like there was a wedding or anything,” he said. He didn’t say that it was a kind of modern-day shotgun wedding at his father’s insistence. Not that either of them objected. It was just something that they’d known they would do and did without ceremony when he turned 18. They’d celebrated with good bourbon and steamy sex that night.

 

“That isn’t the point,” she said. “I raised three boys and they all know that it’s the kind of thing that’s important to their mom.”

 

“I wouldn’t know,” he said and walked away.

 

 

 

_I guess the closest thing I ever had to a mom was Bobby’s old lady, Samantha. You’ve met Sam – not exactly the nurturing type. Hard as nails and twice as sharp. She used to come over to the house and watch me once in a while. I asked her to cut up an apple one time. She said, “I’m not your mom, and you’re not a baby. Use your teeth.”_

_But I went with J.D. to Sly’s wake. He died ... he was in an accident when I was in middle school. No helmet, not like you. I knew Sly real well. He was like an uncle. You know like Mikey. He was family, J.D.’s best friend. It was ... I went into the back hallway at the funeral home and cried. Sam came and hugged me. I remember, she smelled like Shalimar and Camels. She didn’t say anything. She just put her arms around me until I stopped, and then she gave me a tissue. I asked her not to say anything to J.D. or anyone. She said, “Don’t worry, honey. I won’t.”_

_She didn’t. She never mentioned it again._

 

 

Jensen felt like he was high or had the flu, like he was disconnected from reality, but he knew it was just not enough sleep, too much caffeine and stress. He couldn’t remember from one moment to the next what time it was or what someone had said. He wandered the halls knowing that J.D. would call if there was any news. When the phone buzzed in his pocket he responded with a start.

 

“They’re taking him into recovery,” J.D. said.

 

“So ...”

 

“The doctors are going to come out and talk to us in a minute,” he said.

 

By the time he got there, Jared’s family was grouped around the doctors who looked fatigued. The bald doctor’s head was shiny with sweat. He was explaining that he’d repaired the break in Jared’s right leg by joining the bones with a plate and pins. He was fairly confident that the bone would heal properly. The neurosurgeon then told them that there had been less nerve damage than feared, but he had a long road ahead of him. It was going to take a lot of therapy to get him back on his feet. He’d might always have a limp.  A lot depended on him. Their chief concern at the moment was infection. He was on heavy IV antibiotics, and they were hopeful.

 

“We’ll be taking him up to ICU soon. You’ll be able to see him for a few moments then,” the neurosurgeon said. “That’s on the eighth floor. You can go on up.”

 

They picked up the detritus of their wait – books and magazines, sweaters and jackets, purses, sodas, and snacks. Brittany wrapped a fleece throw around herself, and they all filed into the elevator. They set up camp in the waiting room on the eighth floor and continued their vigil.

 

About an hour later, a nurse came out to speak with them. “I’m going to let you all go in and see him for just a moment,” the nurse, Joan, said. She was a petite woman with close-cropped iron gray hair and biceps like a weightlifter. She wore a gold cross around her neck as did Cathy, and Jensen wondered if they were standard issue in Texas. “He’s still heavily sedated and on a ventilator. He’s had a lot of IV fluids, so he may look puffy. He has a lot of bruises. I just don’t want you to be alarmed.”

 

They filed into the room and crowded around the end of the bed like a bunch of mourners at a funeral. Jensen felt the insect crawl of dread under his skin. Despite the full-face helmet, Jared had a black eye and a swollen lip. Jensen sat down beside him and took his hand, and it was warm and alive. He wasn’t letting go. From the corner of his eye, Jensen saw the nurse start to move toward him and his dad pulled her aside. Cathy joined in the conversation, but Jensen wasn’t listening.

 

Jared was alive, and that’s all he needed to know.

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

Jensen wasn’t sure what woke him. Maybe it was a noise in the hallway or the stiffness in his neck, but he was still sitting in the chair slumped over the side of Jared’s bed with his fingers wrapped around Jared’s. He turned his head and kissed the long elegant fingers that liked to hold him down, squeeze his ass, rub his neck. He wished Jared would wake up and rub his neck right then. He rose to his feet and raising his hands above his head and stretched his back.

 

Cathy came in. Jensen dropped his arms to his sides. “Hey, what time is it?”

 

“Almost three,” she said. “You should go get some sleep.”

 

“Got some.”

 

“That wasn’t rest.”

 

“No,” he agreed. “I don’t think that’s likely any time soon.”

 

She walked to the other side of the bed on Jared’s left and took his hand, careful not to disturb his IV. The hospital gown didn’t cover the Fu dog tattoo on his upper arm. She ran her fingers over red and purple figure. “It’s kind of pretty,” she said.

 

Jensen hooked his finger under his t-shirt sleeve and lifted it to expose the mirror image on his arm. “Fu dogs always come in pairs,” he said.

 

Cathy smiled a little. “I see. And these?” She pointed to Jared’s inner arm.

 

Jensen felt a little sick. “Prairie grass for Illinois, blue bird for Missouri, bison for Oklahoma…”

 

“A star for Texas,” she finished.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said quietly. He leaned on the raised bed rail. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so tired.

 

“And the other arm, you have one of those too?” She pinned Jensen with her gaze.

 

Jensen’s mouth felt like a desert. “That and a few others.”

 

“But that one – Iron Dogs – that’s a motorcycle gang, right? Your dad has it too – same as your jackets.”

 

“It’s a club and my family. Jared’s family too now.” Jensen straightened and, before Cathy could say anything, said, “I think I could use something to eat, if you’ll be here awhile.” He wasn’t interested in food. He just needed to end the conversation.

 

“Yes,” she replied, and Jensen realized where Jared got that stubborn set to his jaw.

 

He heard a cart rattle far down the hallway as he went to the door. Joan, the iron-haired nurse, looked up at the nurses’ station and smiled. He walked over and leaned on the counter.

 

“Seen my dad?” he asked.

 

“He went to get a room and some food.”

 

Jensen nodded and scrubbed his face with his hands. “I should ... I need some coffee.”

 

“You should get some food and sleep,” she said. “They won’t bring him out of sedation until this afternoon.”

 

“I slept,” he said.

 

“I mean in a bed.”

 

Jensen shook his head. “I can’t.”

 

“I’m sorry about your guy,” she said.

 

It was the second time someone had referred to Jared that way. “He’s my husband.”

 

“I’m sorry about your husband,” she said. “Doesn’t matter how safely you ride, you can’t control other drivers.”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said.

 

“But everything in life is a risk,” she said.

 

“Do you ride?”

 

“Yeah, I have a Honda Rebel,” she said. “What about you?”

 

“I have a ’76 Harley Superglide and a Kawasaki Vulcan.”

 

“A Kawasaki? Your dad didn’t disown you?”

 

“Almost.”

 

They smiled at each other.

 

“There he is now,” she said gesturing down the hallway to where J.D. had just gotten off the elevator. “At least go to the hotel and get a shower. Have something to eat. You won’t do your husband any good if you fall apart.”

 

He shook his head. “I can’t leave him.”

 

She gave him a hard look and then sighed. “Then at least eat something,” she said.

 

“Yeah,” he said. “Okay.”

 

 

 

_I guess you should know that your mom, well both of your parents, know how old I am and that we’re married. Your mom didn’t take it so well. You probably knew that she wouldn’t. That’s why you didn’t tell her, right?_

_We should have talked about this more, you know? They were going to ask us this stuff when we got there, you realize that, don’t you? I guess you thought you were going to handle it._

_She’s sharp, your mom. She pretty much sees through bullshit. Don’t get me wrong. She’s trying to be nice to me, I think, but let’s face it ... I’m not what she wanted for you. Who could blame her?_

_I’m sorry. I never thought about your life or what you had planned for yourself. I’m selfish. J.D. was right about me. I never thought about the consequences for myself or anyone else. I’d give it all up for you to be okay._

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

Jared remembered the first time he woke as an unpleasant dream of pain and beeping machines and struggling for air. He remembered Jensen standing to the side of the bed with his hand pressed over his mouth and eyes huge and glistening. Jared struggled against the hands holding him down and the tube in his throat until Jensen leaned forward around a nurse and stroked his hair.

 

“Jared, don’t. It’s okay,” he said. “They’re going to take it out.”

 

He locked gazes with Jensen and reached out to him but didn’t stop struggling. The nurses held his arm as they injected something into his IV.

 

“It’s okay,” Jensen said. “You’re going to be fine, Jay.”

 

The second time he came around, his mother was sitting next to the bed reading a book.

 

“Mama,” he croaked. He could see the sheet tented over his leg. He seemed to hurt everywhere.

 

She marked her page and set her book down. She took his hand and smiled. “Hey, sleepy head.”

 

Jared looked around. “Hey, where’s …”

 

She answered before he finish. “Don’t worry, he kissed you before he left. Why do you think you woke up?”

 

Jared felt a blush creep up his neck. “Mama.”

 

“He went to get something to eat,” she said. “When he gets back you will spend a reasonable amount of time with him and then threaten to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t go to the hotel and get some sleep.”

 

Jared’s brows drew together. “What?”

 

“Honey, the boy slept in this chair for a couple of hours with his head on your bed.”

 

Jared smiled. “He loves me.”

 

“He does, but he needs some rest,” she said. She patted his hand. “You’re going to be fine.”

 

“My leg’s messed up,” he said. “I feel…Jesus, I feel like I’ve gone through a meat grinder.” He searched his mind for what happened, some thread of memory. He and Jensen were on their way to San Antonio.

 

“Your shoulder was dislocated and three ribs broken. There was a compound fracture of your lower leg. They had to do surgery and put a plate in your leg, but you’re young and with some physical therapy you’ll be good as new,” she said. “It’s going to be a while before you run again though.”

 

“Or ride a motorcycle,” he said. She frowned. “Mama ... what happened? I can’t remember.”

 

“A semi ran a red light,” she said. Suddenly, his tough, no nonsense mother who’d seen it all in the ER was crying. She covered her eyes with her hand and sniffed. “My God, Jared, you were so lucky that you went under the trailer. The truck never touched you.”

 

“Oh God,” he said. “But Jen’s okay?”

 

She wiped her eyes and let out a breath. “Yes, but he saw it. He’s having a rough time.”

 

If Jensen was letting it show, then he was certainly having a rough time of it.

 

“I don’t mean for you to worry. His dad’s here, but ...”

 

“J.D.’s here?”

 

“Yes, honey, and he’s taking care of Jensen, but the boy will not get any real rest until you insist.”

 

Jared smiled and then winced at the pain in his lip. “I’ll put on a good front, mama.” The truth was his ribs and shoulder ached and his leg was throbbing.

 

“I’m going to have the nurse come in and give you something for the pain,” she said.

 

“Thanks.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

_I think moms are important. I know J.D. did the best he could, but sometimes I think there’s something not quite right about me because I didn’t have a mom._

_I read a book one time by a psychologist who thought that boys who grow up without mothers are drawn to women in an obsessive way but objectify them and have either weird submissive relationships with them because they worship them or they have abusive relationships with them because they are taking their anger at their mothers out on the women they have relationships with._

_I’m not like any of them. I just … well, I like guys. I don’t think that’s because of my mom though. I just …_

_Your mom hugged me and…  "_ kissed my cheek earlier. I didn’t know what to do. I guess she was … I don’t know …” Jensen said. Fingers squeezed his. He looked up and Jared was smiling at him. He was awake again.

 

“She was trying to make you feel better, Jen. That’s all,” Jared whispered.

 

“I, yeah, but she doesn’t know me.” _Not sure she likes me_. “Anyway …” He shrugged.

 

“How long have you been talking?” Jared asked.

 

“A while. Just, you know, when I’m alone with you,” he said.

 

“I wish I could remember it all.”

 

“It wasn’t important.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

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Jensen found J.D. outside smoking. He reached into his father’s shirt pocket for his cigarettes. J.D. squinted at him through the smoke as he pulled a cigarette out and put it to his lips.

 

“Jared’s gonna smell that on you and whoop your ass,” he said.

 

Jensen huffed and put the cigarette back in the pack. He handed it back to J.D. He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.

 

“Jared’s got a nice family,” J.D. said.

 

“Yeah.” Jensen knew it for the simple declaration it was, but there was a whole history of warnings underneath. _We aren’t like them. Don’t get too close. Don’t trust too much_. “Cathy is … I don’t know.”

 

J.D. glanced over at him and took a puff off his cigarette. “Walk with me,” he said. Jensen fell in step beside him and was led around the corner. They walked across the grass toward the nursing home and skirted a brick fence. When they got to a gate, J.D. popped the latch and went in. There was a garden that Jensen hadn’t been able to see in the dark. J.D. sat down on a bench in the back corner, and Jensen sat beside him. It was odd seeing J.D. there, surrounded by tiger lilies and gladiolus and roses.

 

J.D. put his elbows on his knees and lit another cigarette. “You remember Noodle? Had a place out in the strip mines. Used to take you swimming there when you were little.” Jensen just nodded wondering where this was going. “Well,” J.D. continued, “twenty or so years ago, I went to a bonfire out there. There were a whole bunch of us, but there was this girl. She was beautiful, blonde, green eyes, and a smile...She looked like a fairy princess from a fantasy novel, ‘cept she had freckles like you.” His lips twitched at the corners.

 

“She was there with someone else,” J.D. said, “but that didn’t stop me from taking her home. Her name was Jessica – like the Allman Brothers song. She was kind of a wild child, but not hard or coarse like a lot of the girls I knew. There was a vulnerability to her, your mother. The first couple of years were … good. She was a free spirit, independent as hell, but she loved me. I never doubted that or her. Sly and Mikey though…She was no Suzy Homemaker. Our place was always a mess, but she had a way of making ordinary things special. When she got pregnant, things changed. Sometimes, she was her usual energetic self, others, she couldn’t seem to get out of bed. She was crazy about you though.” J.D. gave Jensen a smile. “You were her little darling.”

 

Jensen remembered that. “Come here, my little darling,” she’d say, swoop him off his feet, and swing him in a circle. Her laugh was like a bell. There was a blanket on the grass, a picnic, with cherry Kool Aid. But it wasn’t always like that. Jensen remembered waking up from a nap and wandering through the house looking for her. He’d gotten a loaf of bread off the kitchen counter and sat on the sofa eating it. That’s how J.D. had found him when he got home from work.

 

“We had our good times. If only it was always like that. I started to worry about you…” He shook his head. “That last night …” J.D. stopped, lips pressed into a line.

 

“I remember a little,” Jensen said. “And a kid at school told me that she tried to kill you.”

 

J.D. shook his head and looked out over the flowers. “I got home from work, and she was packing her things and yours.”

 

Jensen vaguely recalled that. She’d been so happy as she grabbed handfuls of clothes and stuffed them into a duffle bag and an old suitcase. They were going on an adventure, she’d said.

 

“I tried to stop her. I told her she could leave if she had to, but she couldn’t take you. You weren’t safe with her, and she…” J.D. flicked his cigarette butt onto the ground and stubbed it out with the toe of his boot. “She lost it, said she was going to kill us all. Her and me – I almost would have let her, but not you. And I couldn’t leave you.”

 

Jensen’s heart seemed to constrict in his chest. “What happened to her?” Jensen rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the flagstone between his boots.

 

“She spent some time on the third floor of St. Joe’s. When they let her out, she went back to live with her parents for a while. Then, she just took off.” He shook another cigarette out of the pack and set it between his lips. He cupped his left hand around it as he flicked the Zippo. He took a long draw and let the smoke trail out. The whole ritual of it made Jensen want one, but he knew that Jared would have a fit if, no, make that _when_ he smelled it on him. “Maybe I should have tried to bring her home when she got out. I used to tell myself that I was afraid for you, and I was, but the truth is I was afraid of the hurt. I couldn’t watch that again if she didn’t make it.”

 

A million thoughts were at war in his head. Jensen was having trouble grasping just one when he asked, “Why wouldn’t you call me by my name?”

 

J.D. looked up in surprise. “I guess I thought I could erase her from our lives.” His eyes searched Jensen’s face. “Stupid idea when you look so much like her.” J.D. pulled the head of a zinnia and started plucking petals of it.

 

“You were afraid, weren’t you, that I was like her?” Jensen said.

 

J.D. lips tightened and then he blew out a breath. “The way you went after Jared, so impulsively and single-minded, reminded me of the way she walked away from her life to be with me. I realize now that that wasn’t part of her illness, and you don’t have it.”

 

Jensen scoffed. “Crazy like Jared you mean,” he said. “Why are you telling me this now?” Jensen didn’t want to let J.D. stop talking. He’d never talked to him this way about anything, and it felt good even though it hurt.

 

J.D. took a drag off the cigarette.

 

“Jared has a great mom, and she’ll try to mother you,” J.D. said. “But you don’t know what that means or how to handle it.”

 

So this was a warning. Jensen nodded.

 

“We’re family,” J.D. said. “You, me, Jared, the guys back home, you know?”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

J.D. slapped him on the knee. “We better get back.”

 

When they stepped from the elevator, they saw Ed and Cathy talking to two Dallas police officers.

 

“I wonder what that’s about,” J.D. said. Instead of approaching the group, they went to the nurses’ station.

 

“Hey, Joan,” Jensen said. “How’s Jared doing?”

 

“Sleeping, I think,” she said. “His sister’s in there reading.”

 

“Okay, thanks.”

 

The police officers were headed toward the elevators by then, and J.D. and Jensen joined Cathy and Ed.

 

“What’s going on?” Jensen asked.

 

“The police have the truck driver in custody,” Cathy said.

 

“And he is?” J.D. prompted.

 

“James Munson, just a regular family guy – married, a grandfather, driving for 28 years,” Cathy said with a sniff.

 

Ed put a hand on her shoulder. “He’s being charged with vehicular assault.”

 

“Drunk?” J.D. asked.

 

“He had methamphetamine in his system,” Cathy said.

 

Jensen and J.D.’s eyes met for just a second. “Truckers are under a lot of pressure to cut their road time,” J.D. said.

 

“That’s not an excuse to endanger other drivers,” Cathy said.

 

“I didn’t say it was,” J.D. said. “Everyone’s responsible for their own decisions.”

 

Jensen turned and walked away. His mind was racing, and he didn’t like where it was going. He heard J.D.’s boot steps following and a hand grabbed his elbow and pushed him around the corner out of sight of the others.

 

“Get a grip on yourself,” J.D. hissed.

 

“Fuck off,” Jensen said and pulled his arm from his father’s grip. “That meth that driver took could have been ours. Fuck personal responsibility. We may have caused this.”

 

“Bullshit,” J.D. said. “If he’d been drunk would you blame Budweiser? Fuck, you have been trying to blame yourself ever since the accident happened.”

 

“This is different,” Jensen growled.

 

J.D. grabbed his shoulder and shoved him against the wall. He leaned in close with their foreheads nearly touching. “Yeah? Say it is. Jared is just as involved as we are. He knew what he was getting into from the moment he started fooling around with you, and when he started keeping the books, he took responsibility for it.”

 

Jensen tried to shake him off, but J.D. didn’t budge. This was his dad, and sometimes he forgot just who that was – a man who probably felt a little naked without a knife in his boot or a 9mm tucked into his jeans at the small of his back. Jensen just glared at him.

 

“I mean it, J.R.,” he said. “Quit letting his family throw you off your game.”

 

Jensen let his head fall back against the wall.

 

“Yeah, okay,” he said. “But, J.D., I want to kill that trucker. I’m not joking.” The anger was burning in his chest again.

 

His father’s hand gripped the back of his neck, gave it a light squeeze. “Don’t worry about that now. He’s in jail, and he ain’t going nowhere.”

 

Jordan came around the corner then and stopped. His eyes flicked back and forth between them.

 

“Everything okay?” he asked.

 

J.D. let his hand slide free and stepped back. “Yeah, just family stuff, you know?”

 

Jordan looked at Jensen.

 

“Fine, man,” Jensen said.

 

“Okay,” Jordan said. “We were just going to get something to eat, if you’d like to come along.”

 

J.D. didn’t answer. He just looked at Jensen. “No, thanks,” Jensen said. “Think I’m going to go in with Jared for awhile.”

 

“Okay, see y’all later.” Jordan went back around the corner.

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

Jared knew there was something wrong. He’d sensed it. No, he’d smelled it. He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t know if anyone else knew. No, he did. His mom had to have smelled it too – the rotten smell of infection.

 

The doctors had come and spoken with him and his parents early that morning while Jensen slept at the hotel. He knew he was in shock, that his mind was trying to avoid reality. His mother sat at his bedside with a paperback that he suspected she wasn’t reading.

 

“Do you blame Jen?” he asked.

 

She looked startled. “Is that what he said?”

 

“No, but I know him,” he said. “This is going to kill him.”

 

“Of course, I don’t blame him,” she said. “For any of it. We’ll talk about all this when it’s over.”

 

“No, I want to talk about it now,” he said. He was angry. Sudden and inexplicable rage made him clench his fingers around the edge of the blanket. “Just say it – you’re disappointed in me.”

 

Her eyes tightened with worry. She laid her hand over his. “Honey, help me understand what happened. How did you get involved with a 16-year-old boy?”

 

“It was five years ago, Mama. It doesn’t matter.” It seemed so long ago. They’d built a life together. That’s what was important.

 

“Jared,” she said. He heard the steel in her voice and saw the look of exasperation. Suddenly, the anger was gone, and he was a kid again under the accusing eye of his mama.

 

“He ... I was naïve, Mama,” he said. “I thought he was just a kid, and I was an adult. I thought I was in control. I was wrong. There was nothing innocent about him.” Jared didn’t know if it was the right thing to tell her, but once the words started they wouldn’t stop. “He told me he was 17. That’s not an excuse. It was still wrong ... I, I don’t know. He just ... I was 24, and my life was already set in stone – routine and predictable. He was so beautiful, and he made me feel alive.”

 

“He lied to you,” she said.

 

“It didn’t matter. He was in love with me. He _is_ in love with me.”

 

“You’re married,” she said.

 

His heart thudded. “He told you?”

 

“He didn’t mean to. It just came out,” she said.

 

Jared wondered how something like that could just come out. “Yeah, we’re married for a while now.”

 

“And you quit your job. You were financially secure, Jared. I don’t understand that.”

 

“It just made sense. J.D. was struggling to keep the books at his shop, and then with Jensen starting a business, it made sense for me to take over the bookkeeping for both of them.”

 

He saw the question in her eyes. She wanted know about J.D.’s business, but she let it go. She patted his hand. “You’re happy?”

 

He smiled. “Yeah, Mama, I’m happy. Being with Jensen every day, all day, makes me happy. The people I meet are interesting, and I don’t have to wear a suit,” he said. “I know this isn’t what you imagined for me, but this is my life and it’s satisfying.”

 

“Okay,” she said. “As long as you’re happy, I won’t cause trouble. I’ve tried with him, but he’s ... not easy to get close too.”

 

“He never had a mom,” Jared said and closed his fingers around hers. “He just doesn’t know how to react to you.”

 

“He didn’t have anyone? A grandma or aunt?”

 

“No,” he said. He didn’t know how he knew, but he was sure of that.

 

“That’s sad.”

 

“Yeah.” He looked up as the door opened and Jensen stood uncertainly in the doorway. His hair was still damp from the shower, but he still hadn’t shaved. Stubble was quickly becoming a light beard.

 

Cathy rose to her feet and kissed Jared’s forehead. “I’ll let you two talk,” she said quietly.

 

“Thanks, Mama.”

 

She patted Jensen’s shoulder as she walked by, and he remained in the doorway with a wary look on his face.

 

“Come here, Jen. We need to talk.”

 

Jensen sat down on the edge of the bed. “Where is everyone?”

 

Jared shook his head and took Jensen’s hands. “Doesn’t matter. Listen, the doctors were in a little while ago.” Jensen’s hands jerked, but Jared didn’t let go. “The antibiotics haven’t worked. Not well enough. The infection is destroying the tissue. It’s spreading and ...”

 

“No.” Jensen’s voice was flat, emphatic.

 

“I’m going to surgery in a few minutes. They have to ...”

 

“No!” Jensen yanked his hands from Jared and stood. “No ...” His eyes were huge, gleaming. He looked so young, so lost. “No.” The tears spilled over.

 

“Jen, please,” Jared said. He held out his hands. “I need you.” And Jensen was on the bed with his head on Jared’s shoulder. Despite every bruise and broken ribs, Jared hugged him against his chest. Jensen’s tears wet his neck and shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry.” He wept like a child, and Jared pushed him back to see his face and wipe his tears.

 

“This is not your fault,” Jared said. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be fine, Jen. This may be for the best.”

 

“What? Better to lose your leg? How?”

 

“Listen, I may not have ever run on that leg. I talked to the doctors and the physical therapist, and there was a lot of muscle damage. This is below the knee. There are high-tech prosthetics out there. I’ll be able to run again.”

 

“You’re just saying that,” Jensen said with a scowl.

 

“No, I’m not. I ... I admit I’m trying to convince myself. I know I’m going to get angry. I’m going to get down about it, but right now, I’m glad I’m alive and I’m just trying to get through it. I need you to help me.”

 

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I will. I will. What do you need me to do?”

 

“I need you to stop blaming yourself. Okay?” He held Jensen’s face in his hands and saw the change. Jensen was pulling himself together. He met Jared’s eye.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

“Okay, because you are my North Star.”

 

Jensen’s lips quivered. “I love you, and I’m going to be right here when you get back. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when the doctors told you.”

 

“Hey, baby, it’s okay. You needed to sleep. I need you to stay well.” Jared ran his thumbs over Jensen’s wet cheeks. “So I already had a consultation with a prosthetist. She came in with the doctors. I’m going to be fitted with a IPOP – an Immediate Post-Operative Prosthetic. She did measurements this morning, and I’ll be wearing it when I come out of surgery.”

 

“Already?”

 

“Yeah, it prevents swelling and accidental injury to the wound, I guess,” Jared said. “I can start doing limited physical therapy right away.”

 

“That’s good, I guess,” Jensen said.

 

“It is,” Jared said and squeezed Jensen’s hand. “I should be getting the stitches out in a couple weeks and really getting back on my feet.”

 

Jensen tried to smile. “Okay, good.”

 

The door swung open then, and orderlies pushed a gurney into the room.

 

“Looks like it’s time to go,” Jared said. Jensen leaned in and kissed him with a soft, lingering press of lips. He pressed his hand over the Fu dog tattoo on Jared’s right arm, rubbed his thumb over it.

 

“I’ll be with you every moment.”

 

Jared had never felt more certain about Jensen than he did at that moment. The orderlies were moving his IV bags and uncovering him. Jensen stood and watched until he was moved to the gurney and wheeled out.

 

Jensen stood in the room for a while looking at the empty bed. He was fine. He didn’t understand it. He thought for a moment. His breathing was normal. His heart didn’t pound. He wasn’t angry or upset. This was good. It was what Jared needed.

 

 


	5. Part II

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The morphine was reduced over the next couple of days as the pain eased, and Jared became more aware, slept less. Jordan and Brittany said their goodbyes which included a lot of tears from Brittany and a sniff from Jordan when they went back to San Antonio the next day, but Jeremy hung around to drive home with Ed who had decided to go back to work on Wednesday. Cathy had two weeks of vacation accrued and decided to stay as long as Jared needed her.

 

Jensen set the iPad aside and rubbed his neck. Who would have thought that he could feel so old at 21? Jared was asleep and everyone else had left, but he’d stay, play around on the iPad, and sleep in the recliner that the nurses had brought in. Cathy would be back sometime early, six a.m. or so, and then he’d go to the hotel, shower and get some real sleep.

 

Despite the pain meds, Jared still slept fitfully, and Jensen wouldn’t leave him alone. The night before, he’d awakened around midnight. He’d been disoriented, and it had taken him an hour to get back to sleep even with Jensen there.

 

Jensen got up and stretched, rolled his shoulders and walked to the window. It looked out over the nearly empty parking lot. He thought again about how a matter of seconds had changed his life. If he’d been in the lead, he’d have taken the ramp faster. Maybe they both would have missed that first red light. It would have been him who got to the second one first. He might have been in front of the semi...

 

His cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out expecting it to be J.D. and was surprised to see the name Jeremy. He wondered why the hell Jared’s brother would be calling him. He stepped into the bathroom and thumbed the phone on.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Jensen?” There were voices in the background and music, which dimmed and then went quiet as though Jeremy had closed a door.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hey, that trucker, Munson, he’s here at that bar on the corner.”

 

“He what? No, he’s in jail.”

 

“I’m telling you, man. The guy made bail, and he’s down here drinking beer and laughin’ it up with a couple friends.”

 

“Jeremy, that can’t be right.”

 

“Dude, I looked him up on jail tracker after the cops talked to us. I saw his mug shot, and I got close enough to hear him talkin’. It’s him.”

 

Jensen’s jaw clenched. He hadn’t thought that much about the guy since he was in jail, but knowing that the asshole was out made his blood boil. “So?”

 

“So what are you gonna do about it?”

 

“What are you talking about?” He knew exactly what Jeremy was suggesting, but he wasn’t going to go there. Jared needed him.

 

“Come on down here. We’ll teach him a lesson.”

 

“No, that’s stupid. He’s with friends and you’ve been seen there.”

 

“Hey, he has to leave sometime, and he might leave alone.”

 

“You’re drunk. That’s no time to do something like that. If you want to fuck him up, I know people ...”

 

“You know, I didn’t take you for a pussy that has to get others to take care of their problems.”

 

“Jeremy, we’re not doing this. If we get caught, it will only hurt Jared more.”

 

“Fuck you, man.”

 

The phone went dead.

 

“Fuck,” Jensen swore through clenched teeth. He had no doubt that Jeremy would act on his own. He left the bathroom and looked toward the bed where Jared still slept. “Shit.” He peeked into the hallway before slipping out. The empty nurses’ station was some distance to his left. He went to the right and made it to the fire stairs without seeing anyone. He took the two flights to the ground level as fast as he could and broke into a run the moment he got to the sidewalk. It was five blocks to the corner bar that he passed every time he walked from the hotel. He was sure that was the bar Jeremy meant.

 

As his Converse sneakers slapped the concrete, he was thankful that J.D. had gone to Target and picked him up some extra clothes and the shoes. He’d hate to be running in motorcycle boots. He’d been exercising more, taking short runs with Jared, but his lungs were burning and his heart pounding as he pushed himself to get to the bar. When he was within a half block of the bar, he slowed to a fast walk. He hoped he wouldn’t have to fight Jeremy to keep him from doing something stupid.

 

He’d just passed the mouth of the alley when a voice said, “Jensen!”

 

He turned and saw Jeremy lurking in the shadows of a doorway. Jensen glanced back toward the bar, but there was no one on the street.

 

“Dude, I thought you were going to pussy out on me,” Jeremy said as he approached, and Jensen had to resist putting his fist in the guy’s smirky mouth.

 

“I came to get you before you fuck your life up.”

 

Jeremy huffed out a breath, and Jensen leaned away from the cloud of whiskey fumes. “Jesus, what the fuck kind of biker are you anyway? I shoulda talked to your daddy. You are how you look.”

 

“What?”

 

“Like a little girl. No wonder Jared likes to fuck you.”

 

Jensen knew that Jeremy was just trying to piss him off. It was working, but not how he thought. “If anyone gets fucked up around here, it’s going to be you,” Jensen said.

 

“There you go. Use that anger on the guy who deserves it.”

 

“What makes you think that isn’t you?”

 

“Come on. We just hurt him some and let him know that he’ll get worse if he squeals.”

 

“No, not like this.” Jensen just wanted to get him out of there and sober him up. Then, he’d let J.D. deal with him. He was good at making idiots see reason.

 

One moment Jeremy was hunched in the doorway, and the next, he’d stepped past Jensen and there was a flurry of movement and a scuffle that moved into the alley. He followed in time to see Jeremy shove a man against the brick wall of the building.

 

“Jimmy Munson,” Jeremy said with too much glee in his voice.

 

“What? Who are you?” Munson’s eyes moved from Jeremy to Jensen and to the mouth of the alley.

 

“We’re the guys who are going to fuck you up the way you fucked up my brother,” Jeremy said.

 

Jensen held a hand out up at Munson. “No one’s going to fuck you up.”

 

“If you aren’t gonna help, then fuck off.”

 

He grabbed Jeremy’s left arm. “No, stop being stupid.”

 

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Munson thought he saw an out and took it, trying to run past them while they argued. Jensen hadn’t a second to react when Jeremy grabbed the guy by the shirt, swung him around, and slammed him head first into a dumpster. Munson went down. He didn’t move.

 

“Fuck,” Jeremy said.

 

The guy was lying half on his back, legs twisted to his side. Blood poured from a deep gash on his forehead. The bone beneath looked caved in. Jensen squatted down and pulled the watch from Munson’s wrist, then got his wallet and phone from his pocket.

 

“Put him behind the dumpster,” Jensen said. “Don’t touch anything but his clothes.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“This is your mess. Clean it the fuck up,” Jensen said. He pulled a brown paper sack from the dumpster and dumped its contents out. He put Munson’s belongings into it and rolled the bag up. By the time he was done with that, Munson was stashed behind the dumpster.

 

“I don’t think he’s dead,” Jeremy said.

 

“He will be.” Jensen started for the street.

 

“We could call ...”

 

Jensen turned and grabbed his shirt. “You want him to ID us? Huh? There’s a reason I told you no, you stupid fuck. Now, you are going to go to your hotel room, and you are going to pray that no one in that bar remembers you. You will never speak of it to me or anyone. It didn’t happen.” Jensen let go of him with a shove toward the far end of the alley. He watched Jeremy walk toward the parallel street for a moment before following. The alley formed a T, and Jensen turned toward the side street. He thumbed his cell phone on and hit J.D.’s number.

 

“Dad, where are you?”

 

“The hotel bar. What’s wrong?”

 

“Meet me at door five.” It was the door closest to their room. J.D. was often seen near it smoking.

 

“Shit. I’ll be there.”

 

Jensen walked the block to the hotel and circled through the shadows surrounding the parking lot. He cut to the main sidewalk and saw J.D. standing outside lighting a cigarette. Much of the tension drained from Jensen, and he approached as casually as possible.

 

“Hey,” J.D. said through a cloud of smoke. “You’re back early.”

 

A couple was getting out of a nearby car.

 

“Nah, had to come back and get my cell phone charger. Battery’s almost dead.”

 

The couple nodded as they passed. “Folks,” J.D. said with a nod.

 

Neither of them spoke until the door shut behind the man and woman. J.D. eyed him then. “What is it?”

 

“Jeremy killed the trucker,” Jensen said.

 

J.D. raised his eyebrows. “No shit? You in on it?”

 

Jensen pursed his lips. “No, I was trying to stop him, but I was there.”

 

“Shit. Where?”

 

“Alley a block over.” Jensen saw the tension on J.D.’s jaw. “I know, I know. I should have let him hang himself, but it’s Jared’s brother. I thought …”

 

“Doesn’t matter now. Does it look like a mugging?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve got his stuff.”

 

J.D. almost looked pleased, like the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. “Give it here. I’ll take care of it.”

 

Jensen passed him the paper bag. “Should I get my cell phone charger? Those people saw me.”

 

J.D. shook his head and pointed at the car’s license plate. “Michigan. They’ll be gone soon. Anyway, if it gets that far, you’re screwed.”

 

“Dad …”

 

“It’s not going to get that far, son.”

 

Jensen nodded and started back toward the hospital with the certainty that he was safe because his dad said so. J.D. fixed things like when he was twelve and the high school kid down the street bullied him. The kid didn’t just leave him alone; he wouldn’t look at him. Or the time the neighbor called the cops because he saw Jensen in the backyard drinking a beer. Maybe it was only coincidence that he put his house up for sale two days later.

 

 

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Jensen awoke with a start. His eyes flew open and searched the all too familiar hotel room with its beige walls and landscape prints. The armoire that held the TV sat open and bright sunlight cut through the gap in the drapes. The AC unit blew cool air and drowned out the sounds of the day. The bed beside his looked untouched from the previous day.

 

He’d risen to his elbows on waking and now fell back to the mattress. He stared up at the textured plaster ceiling. Texas sucked. He knew it wasn’t fair to blame the entire state, but nothing but shit had come their way since they’d arrived. He thought things couldn’t get worse after the accident, but the night before was just the shit cherry on top of the giant shit sundae.

 

The doctors had said that Jared could probably move to a rehabilitation unit in a few days, and much as he’d like to get him back to Illinois, it didn’t make sense to do that at least until Cathy was out of vacation time. Jensen wanted to put as much distance as possible between himself and the night before, but he wouldn’t leave Jared. J.D. had to get back to the shop soon, and that made him very uneasy. He just hoped that the cops chalked the incident up to a random mugging and Jeremy kept his cool.

 

Jensen reached under the covers and repositioned his cock in his shorts. His morning wood wasn’t subsiding like it normally did. He’d only jerked off mechanically in the shower a few times since the accident. That kind of neglect wasn’t something his body was used to.

 

He closed his eyes and pressed the warm cove of his hand over his stiff cock. There was a layer of cotton over it, but the heat and pressure felt good. It reminded him of a Sunday morning in bed, morning wood crushed against the cut of Jared’s hip. A huge hand was on his ass, pulling him hard against the other man’s body while Jared plundered his mouth.

 

Jensen pushed his shorts off his hips, spit in his hand, and stroked the length of his dick. Jared’s mouth had moved across his jaw, licking and sucking beneath his ear, over his pulse point where it stopped to suck a bruise, then along his collar bone and down to his nipple which it teased into a hard nub pulling moans from Jensen’s throat. It traversed the plane of his belly, teeth trailing a tingling path. Jared’s hand was already wrapped around his cock, stroking and working precome from the tip when his tongue lapped at it, sending a jolt of sensation up Jensen’s spine.

 

Jensen kept his hand moving over the length, twisting up over the head and back down, small, wet slapping just audible over the air-conditioner as he remembered Jared sucking the head of his cock into his mouth. Fox-like eyes met his. There was hunger and satisfaction in them. Jared loved to wind him up and make him fall apart. He never failed to do it. He knew every trick.

 

Jensen sucked a finger into his mouth, got it good and wet, before lifting his hip and reaching under himself, pushing the finger between his ass cheeks and into his hole. He was rewarded with a spike of arousal. His cock throbbed and his balls began to draw up as he fucked himself on his finger and tugged faster and harder on his dick. It was Jared’s mouth on his cock, fingers in this ass. He came with a gasp, arching off the bed. Hot slick fell across his belly and hand.

 

He remembered the way Jared had chuckled when he let Jensen’s cock slide from his lips. He moved up the bed and lay down beside him. He pulled Jensen close and kissed his cheeks.

 

Jensen was alone. He rolled over and pulled the sheet up. He felt something heavy and ugly building in his chest. It grew, crushing his heart and forcing the air from his lungs, suffocating and frightening. It was trying to force its way out of his throat and into the world. Releasing it terrified him. He didn’t know if he could stop it if it got out. He fought it, struggling to stay in control, but he couldn’t keep it in. It ripped its way out of his throat with a long anguished cry. He pushed the sob into the pillow. He was right; one just spawned more, and they came with increasing frequency and intensity until he could barely get a breath. He hadn’t cried like this since he was a child, and it frightened him. He didn’t know how to stop, didn’t know if he could. He needed Jared, needed his arms, and his kisses, and reassurances.

 

But he couldn’t have those. He had to be strong for Jared. He had to be the support. He swallowed down the next sob and took a deep breath. He panted and told himself they were just tears. He let out one last sob. He felt wrung out. He rubbed his tears into the pillow and lay there limp and spent.

 

He didn’t move when he heard to door open and close. There was silence. He knew that J.D. had to be standing there looking at him, but neither moved.

 

“I bet you’re hungry,” J.D. said. “I’ll go get something to eat. Why don’t you take a shower?”

 

The door opened and closed again. Jensen flopped over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

It was only coincidence that they were all in Jared’s room that afternoon when two Dallas police officers came in. They introduced themselves as Lt. Jimenez and Officer Duncan. Jimenez asked everyone to step into the hallway with him.

 

“Why?” Jared asked. He was confused. It had to be about the accident. What could they not want him to hear? “What’s this about?”

 

“Honey,” Cathy said. “We’ll let you know when we find out.”

 

“No,” Jared said. “I want to know.”

 

“Is there some reason he shouldn’t?” Ed asked.

 

The officers exchanged a glance. “It’s up to you all,” Jimenez said.

 

“Look, if you’re worried about upsetting me, I’ll just be more upset at being left in the dark,” Jared said.

 

Jimenez nodded. “James Munson, the trucker involved in the accident, was killed last night, murdered.”

 

“How is that possible?” Ed asked. “Wasn’t he in jail?”

 

“He made bail and apparently decided to go out for a beer to celebrate,” Jimenez said. “After leaving the bar, he was mugged and beaten to death – looks like head trauma.”

 

Jared noticed Jensen reach up and scratch his stubbled chin. Every knuckle was clean – not a single scrape or bruise. Their eyes met for a moment, and then Jared looked over at J.D. who was leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed.

 

Ed frowned and looked at the floor.

 

“Can you all tell us where you were last night,” Jimenez asked.

 

“You think one of us killed him?” Cathy said.

 

“It looks like a mugging, ma’am, but we have to cover our bases,” he said.

 

“We went out to eat about six at Applebee’s got back to our room about eight o’clock,” Ed said.

 

“The three of you?” Duncan gestured at Jeremy.

 

“Yes,” Ed said.

 

“Where are you staying?”

 

“The Holiday Inn.”

 

“You stayed in the rest of the evening?”

 

“Yes,” Ed said, but he glanced at Jeremy when the cop attention was elsewhere.

 

Duncan looked expectantly at Jensen. “I was here all night,” he said. “Nurses saw me. I was here when Cathy got here this morning.”

 

“He was,” Cathy said.

 

“And you Mr. Morgan?” Duncan said.

 

“I left here about ten?” He looked over at Jensen who nodded. “I went back to the hotel, the Holiday Inn, and had a few drinks at the bar.”

 

“When did you leave the bar?”

 

“I don’t know, about midnight probably,” he said.

 

“You went to your room?”

 

“No, I went to room 228 with a woman named Natalie.”

 

“Do you have her last name?”

 

“No, and I couldn’t swear that that was her real name,” J.D. said.

 

“That’s okay. The hotel will have her credit card on record,” Duncan said.

 

“Try not to cause her trouble. She may have been wearing a wedding ring,” J.D. said.

 

Jared saw the way his mother glared at J.D., and he sighed inwardly.

 

“Like I said, we just need to check all the boxes,” Jimenez said. “Thank you, folks. We’ll let you know if we need anything else.”

 

“Thank you for letting us know,” Cathy said.

 

“Right,” the other officer said. He looked up at Jared. “Glad to see you doing well.”

 

“Thanks,” Jared said.

 

J.D. followed the officers out of the room.

 

“That’s what I call karma,” Jeremy said.

 

“Jeremy!” Cathy said.

 

“What? Am I supposed to have sympathy for the guy?” Jeremy was standing with his hands on his hips, and Jensen frowned.

 

“You could have sympathy for his family,” Cathy said. She stood and gathered her things with quick, jerky movements, and headed for the door. Ed glared at his eldest son and followed her.

 

Jeremy huffed. “For fuck’s sake, really? Am I wrong?” He looked from Jensen to Jared and back.

 

“I can’t argue with you,” Jensen said.

 

“See, that’s what I mean,” Jeremy said.

 

“Jer, can I have a word with Jensen alone?” Jared said.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Jeremy said. He turned back at the door. “I just ...” He huffed again and rolled his eyes. “Mom.”

 

Jensen sat down on the edge of the bed. “What?”

 

“Did you kill him?” Jared asked.

 

Jensen’s chin went up. “Wow, beat around the bush much?” He started to stand but Jared grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer.

 

“Jensen.”

 

“No.”

 

Jared searched his eyes for a hint of a lie and let out a breath. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just ... So you don’t know that J.D. didn’t have something to do with it?”

 

Jensen licked his lips. “You’re part of his family, Jared. It wouldn’t surprise me, but it’s better to not know.”

 

“How can you say that?”

 

“You know damn well how,” he said. “Have you really been fooling yourself about our life, Jared? Is this where you want the ride to stop so you can get off?”

 

“No, but I guess it was all theoretical before. This is real,” he said.

 

Jensen cupped his cheek. “What that man did to you is real. You have to live with that for the rest of your life.”

 

“But I have a life. He doesn’t, and it was an accident.”

 

“Yeah, maybe. I’m not saying that it’s justice, but the less we know about his death the better. You understand that, right? Jared?”

 

“Yeah.” He let his head fall back against the pillow, and Jensen brushed his hair off his brow.

 

“You heard what your brother said. It’s karma,” Jensen said softly.

 

“Jen.”

 

“I know, baby,” he leaned in and kissed Jared’s temple and stroked his cheek. “I love you. Get some rest.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

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Jared was alone when he awoke. It was quiet with just the sound of distant voices in the hallway. He couldn’t remember being alone for a single moment since the accident. Every time he awoke someone was there – his mother reading her ever present paperback or Jensen with an iPad that J.D. had gotten him or a nurse changing his IV.

 

Late evening sunshine angled in the window casting a square of light on the opposite wall, a smear across the plastic pitcher on his rolling tray-table, a splotch on the chair. His life was changed forever. He’d meant what he’d said to Jensen before the last surgery. He was glad to be alive, and he would run again, but he was maimed. His life was forever altered. He couldn’t help but wonder if Jensen would see him the same or could feel about him the way he had before.

 

He had never been prone to depression, not even as a teen. He’d always been pretty optimistic, but now there was a deep, dark pit inside him. He didn’t want to look into it. He feared falling. Pain was constant to one degree or another, and he wondered how long it would take for that to ease. He hated the way narcotics made him feel, but he had to have them – at least for now. He worried about getting hooked on them before he could live without them for the pain.

 

The door swung open and J.D. came in. He didn’t say anything. He leaned on the bed rail that someone had put up while Jared slept. J.D. looked down at his loosely clasped hands. A little gray was interspersed in the brown stubble on his cheeks, and laugh lines surrounded his eyes. It wasn’t an unkind face, but Jared had seen him back much bigger men up against the wall with just his manner and words.

 

“You need to stop asking about the trucker,” he said. Jared almost thought he hadn’t heard him, he’d spoken so low. His gaze met Jared’s. “Leave it alone. Understand?”

 

“It wasn’t a random mugging,” Jared said. “For fuck’s sake, J.D.”

 

“Listen, three years ago, I made a snap decision about you,” he said. There was an edge to his voice then. The words came out like bullets from a gun. “I did it for my son. You knew what I was. Maybe you didn’t understand what that meant then, but by the time you married him, you sure as fuck knew it could get ugly. It’s what he grew up in, and it’s what he is.”

 

Jared felt like his heart had stopped. His mouth opened, but for a moment he couldn’t get words out. “He said it wasn’t him.”

 

“What would you expect him to say?”

 

“I thought he didn’t lie to me anymore,” Jared said. The pain in his chest wasn’t the broken ribs.

 

“He doesn’t want you to worry, but I knew you wouldn’t leave this alone,” J.D. said. “Just leave it.”

 

“Really? You want me to not talk to him about this? You think I could do that?”

 

J.D. blew out an exasperated breath. “The two of you are going to drive me insane. You are both …” He rubbed his palms over his face.  “Look, I get that the accident, the pain meds, being around your family is making you stupid, but it’s affecting J.R. too. You both need to get your heads on straight.”

 

“Well, do you think that maybe he behaved like an idiot?” Jared pushed himself away from the raised bed. He leaned in close to J.D. and kept his voice low. “What the fuck was he thinking?”

 

J.D.’s mouth twisted in anger. “Why don’t you ask your brother?”

 

“What?” Jared searched J.D.’s face for a clue, but the man just gave him a hard stare. “Who? Jeremy?” And then it hit him – _karma_. “Oh God …”

 

J.D. nodded. “Let it go.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

“You lied to me.”

 

Jensen just stood there – ambushed barely in the door. Jared could almost see the wheels turning, but he was expressionless for a few moments before his eyes narrowed and his lips twisted.

 

“Mother fucking J.D.” Jensen turned toward the door.

 

“Don’t you walk out of here,” Jared said.

 

Jensen stopped with his hand on the door handle. He turned and leaned against the door.

 

“I know Jeremy was involved,” Jared said. “I want to know what happened.”

 

Jensen screwed his eyes shut.

 

“No, more lies, Jen. You aren’t supposed to lie to me.”

 

Jensen bit his lip, and when he opened his eyes, Jared knew there were tears in them. He held his hand out, and Jensen walked to the bed and took it. Like J.D. had, he leaned on the bed rail.

 

“He called me from a bar.”

 

“Why would Jeremy even have your phone number?”

 

“We exchanged phone numbers – all of us – so we could get in touch with each other if, you know, if anything happened … Anyway, he called me and told me that the trucker had come into the bar. He said he’d looked him up on jail tracker and seen his mug shot. The guy was there, and … he said that he knew that I felt like he did. We should teach the guy a lesson.”

 

“Jesus.”

 

“Jeremy was drunk, and however I felt, I didn’t want to get involved in that shit with him. I told him no, to leave it alone. He called me a pussy, said _fuck you_ and hung up.” Jensen sighed. “I went down there to stop him. When I got there, he was outside waiting for the guy. I tried to talk him out of it. I told him it was stupid, that he’d get caught, and that would only make all this worse for you. He said the guy was inside drinking and laughing.” Jensen paused as though searching for words. “I didn’t see the guy come out, but Jeremy did. He grabbed him and shoved him into the alley. I tried to pull Jeremy away. We were arguing and Munson tried to run for it. Jeremy grabbed him.” Jensen stopped.

 

Jared didn’t really want to hear the rest, but he said, “Go on.”

 

“Jeremy grabbed him and slammed his head into the dumpster, and he went down. That was it.”

 

“What was it?”

 

“He didn’t move,” Jensen said. “I grabbed his wallet and stuff. Jeremy dragged him behind the dumpster.”

 

“He was dead?”

 

Jensen didn’t answer.

 

“Wasn’t he?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“What the fuck do you mean? You didn’t check?”

 

“No,” Jensen said. “It was done.”

 

“You let him die.”

 

Jensen leaned in close and the curl of his lip was like J.D.’s. “Do you want your brother in jail for murder? Me for accessory?”

 

“He might have lived.”

 

“And if he had? How long do you get in Texas for attempted murder? He knew who we were.”

 

Jared felt sick. He looked away and shook his head.

 

“Jared.” All the anger was gone from Jensen’s voice. “I wanted to fuck the guy up. I admit it, but I love you. And for you, I wasn’t going to touch him. I swear it. What would you have had me do?”

 

“This is the truth?” He asked, but he knew it was.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jared nodded. “Fuckin’ Jeremy.”

 

“You don’t seem that surprised,” Jensen said.

 

Jared shook his head remembering all the times his older brother had hit him and Jordan, all the half-assed apologies. “He’s always had a temper. He used to get into fights in school over the dumbest shit. He got thrown in jail when he was in college for getting into a fight at a bar. No ... I guess, I’m not.”

 

“Jared, look at me.” He lowered the bed rail and sat down. “Don’t talk to him about this.”

 

“Jen ...”

 

“No, it didn’t happen. None of us know anything.”

 

“God, you sound like your dad.”

 

Jensen blinked and rolled his lips between his teeth. Jared felt like a shit for having said it, but it was only the truth.

 

“I know I do,” Jensen said. “We need to follow his lead on this. He knows what he’s talking about. You know that. This is serious, and we cannot afford to be stupid. We can’t control Jeremy. J.D. talked to him, and I hope to God he listens. We have no excuse not to, Jared. We know what’s at stake.”

 

“What time did it happen?”

 

“About midnight.”

 

“You were here with me. I woke up just after eleven. I was awake until after midnight.”

 

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, that’s right.” He brushed Jared’s hair back from his face. “We talked about seeing Ozzy last fall and how much we miss our favorite Thai place.”

 

“Lemon Grass.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen leaned in and kissed him – just a dry brush of lips. Jared grabbed his arm when he started to move away and pulled him back in for a firmer, longer kiss.

 

“I love you,” Jared said.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault.” Jensen didn’t have to say thank you. Jared could see it in his eyes. “And, Jen, if Jeremy goes down for this, he’s going down alone. He’s not taking you with him. You were here with me. His word against mine and yours.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

The elevator bell dinged and the doors slid open. Jensen stepped out onto the institutional tile and the smell of antiseptic and sickness didn’t even register anymore. He nodded at Joan at the nurses’ station and stopped at the doorway of Jared’s room.

 

The covers were turned back on his bed, and a nurse was finishing redressing his leg. Jared was pointedly staring at the opposite wall. Jensen felt his stomach drop. With the prosthetic on, it was easy to pretend that it was Jared’s left leg under the sheet, but this was reality.

 

“The incision looks great,” the nurse said. “You’ll be fitted with a new prosthetic and out of here in no time.”

 

As the nurse gathered her supplies, Jensen stepped into the room. The movement caught Jared’s attention and he quickly flipped the sheet back over the prosthetic leg.

 

“Hey,” he said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Hey yourself,” Jensen said as the nurse slipped past him. “How ya feeling?”

 

“Great,” Jared said. “Almost no pain.”

 

“Good, good.” Jensen sat down on the edge of the bed. He brushed Jared’s hair back from his brow. “The doctors say you’re healing really well.”

 

Jared’s smile slipped. “Yeah. They seem to think I’ll be out of here in a few days. A physical therapist is supposed to come by this afternoon and …”

 

“That’s good,” Jensen said. Jared didn’t look him in the eye. He just toyed with the edge of the sheet. “Right? The sooner you start the quicker your recovery will be. I’d like to meet her or him.”

 

Jared nodded. “Yeah, sure. I just …” He glanced up. “I’d rather you not be here for the therapy session.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I know you want to be supportive. I do. And I appreciate that, but I just, I can’t have you …” He shook his head and looked away. “I need to do this bit alone, you know?”

 

Jensen didn’t know, but there was such a plea in Jared’s gaze that he nodded. “Sure, okay. I, uh …” His eyes stung, and he blinked.

 

Jared squeezed his hand. “Jensen, I love you.”

 

“I know,” he said. He slipped his hand inside Jared’s hospital gown and caressed the warm skin of his chest. “I miss you.”

 

Jared chuckled. “You’re here all the time.”

 

“No, I mean, I _miss_ you.” He gave Jared a pointed look.

 

“Oh!” Jared grinned. Jensen’s thumb rubbed over a nipple, and Jared swallowed. “Yeah, I miss you too.”

 

“Every day when I get in bed alone at the hotel?” Jensen’s slid downward over the flat plane of Jared’s belly. “And every time I shower, I beat off thinking about you.”

 

“Jen!” Jared’s gaze shot to the door that Jensen had let go shut when the nurse left.

 

“Your mom won’t be here for at least an hour,” Jensen said as his nails scratched at the thatch at the base of Jared’s cock. “It’s unnatural for us to go so long without touching each other.” His fingers wrapped around Jared’s thickening member.

 

“I’m not jerking you off here,” Jared said.

 

Jensen gave a slight shrug. “I’ll take a rain check.” He smirked and continued massaging Jared’s dick, which fattened in his hand. He leaned forward and kissed Jared, lightly at first and then deeper until Jared was rock hard in his hand. He smeared precome down the shaft and put his lips to Jared’s ear. “I can’t wait to ride you again.”

 

Jared’s hips jerked in response. Jensen chuckled. “You like that, baby?”

 

“Jesus,” Jared groaned.

 

“I can’t wait to have your big cock inside me.”

 

“Fuck. Come here.” Jared reached up and took Jensen’s face in his hands and kissed him. The kiss was messy and hot. Jensen’s cock strained against his jeans. He knew Jared, could sense the tension getting higher. He pulled away, and before Jared had a chance to react, Jensen flipped the sheet back and went down on him. The head of Jared’s cock slipped easily past his gag reflex.

 

Jared’s head fell back on the pillow, and his fingers scrabbled over Jensen’s scalp. He swallowed a moan as his cock twitched in Jensen’s throat. His grip tightened, telling Jensen to stop, don’t move. His back arched, and he trembled. The breath whooshed out of him and went limp on the bed. He petted Jensen’s hair.

 

Jensen let Jared’s cock slip from his mouth and he turned to his husband with a spit-glazed smile. “Was that okay?”

 

Jared laughed. “Was that … yeah, that was definitely okay.”

 

Jensen grabbed some tissues and cleaned the spit off Jared before arranging his gown and the sheet again. He found his own erection already subsiding. There was an ache in his chest.

 

“Hey,” Jared said, “what’s wrong?”

 

Jensen shook his head. “I just want to be back home, you know? I was thinking that we should get a dog.”

 

“A dog?”

 

“Yeah, I mean, we love dogs. Why haven’t we gotten a dog?”

 

Jared smiled. “I don’t know.”

 

“It could come to the shop with us and hang out by the pool and go with you …” Jensen stopped abruptly and his brows drew together.

 

“On runs,” Jared finished. “Yeah, that would be great.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Jared said. “You’re right. I will run again, and a dog would great.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

Jensen sat in the waiting area near the elevator so he could intercept Jared’s mom when she arrived.

 

“I’m running late,” she said as she stepped out of the elevator. “There was a leak in my bathroom.”

 

Jensen just nodded.

 

“Is he already with the physical therapist?” she asked.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said. “Betty. She seems very … competent.” _Like a ball-buster_.

 

“Good.” She glanced at Jared’s door.

 

“He doesn’t want me, us in there,” Jensen said.

 

She sat down with a sigh and patted his knee. “He’s going to have a hard time accepting the changes in his body. He needs some space to do that on his own.”

 

Jensen nodded. “I just feel so useless.”

 

“You are not useless,” she said. “He needs your support. He needs to know that your feelings for him haven’t changed, that you still love him.”

 

Jensen couldn’t help but smirk. “He knows that.”

 

Her lips pulled into a thin line. “Things will get rough. Losing a limb is like losing a loved one. He’s going to have to grieve. We all do that in our own way.”

 

Jensen leaned his elbows on his knees and stared at the scuffed tile. “I know that. I just don’t know what to do or say sometimes.”

 

Cathy rubbed circles on his back. “Just be here for him. That’s the most important thing.”

 

Jensen looked over at the closed door and nodded. 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

Things fell into a routine over the next couple of days. Jensen would spend the morning with Jared watching TV or playing on the iPad. Jared was sick of hospital food, and Jensen would sometimes get take out from a restaurant – Mexican, Thai, or Cajun – and take it back to Jared’s room. In the afternoon, Jared had physical therapy. Cathy would bring in dinner most evenings, and they’d all watch TV.

 

At Jared’s insistence, Jensen had quit sleeping in the recliner in Jared’s room. He’d stay as late as possible and then return to the hotel. He hated it. Hated that bare silent room. The third night he stopped at a bar for a drink on the way to the hotel. It was a little neighborhood joint. Quiet in the middle of the week. Just the bartender and a couple old men at the bar.

 

The bartender was probably late twenties with long dark curls and firm breasts that challenged her black tank top. “Hi, sweetheart, what can I get you?” She had a smoky but not unpleasant voice.

 

“A draft.” Jensen looked down the bar at the tappers. “Shiner Bock, I guess, is fine.”

 

She got a pilsner glass and tipped it under the tapper so the beer ran down the inside of the glass forming a minimal head. She slipped a cocktail napkin in front of him and set the glass down.

 

“Three-fifty,” she said.

 

Jensen pulled out a five and laid it on the bar. “Keep the change …?”

 

“Pam. Thanks. And you?”

 

“Jensen.” He took a drink of the cold beer.

 

“Nice to meet you, Jensen. I don’t mean to rush you, but it’s a weeknight and we close in twenty.”

 

“Ah, of course.” He wasn’t going to be able to avoid the hotel room for long.

 

She leaned on the bar, and her cleavage was just inches away. “You looking for some company? Because … I do get off work in twenty.”

 

Jensen took a drink of beer before answering. If he were into women, she’d be his type, but he wasn’t and he wouldn’t. “I’m in a relationship.”

 

She arched an eyebrow. “Pretty as you are, she ought to be here keeping an eye on you.”

 

Jensen tried to smile but couldn’t pull it off. “It’s a he, and he’s in Baylor Hospital.”

 

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” she said. “Jeez, I’m usually better at reading people than that. You just looked like a guy who didn’t want to go home alone.”

 

“Yeah, I am. Just the guy I want to go home with …” He rubbed his eyes.

 

“Hey! I have an idea!” Pam said. “There’s this great little diner a couple blocks down. You know it?”

 

“Gibbon’s?”

 

“Yes. They’re open all night. Why don’t we go get something to eat when I get off.”

 

“Pam.”

 

“Completely on the up and up,” she said. “I mean it. You look like you could use a sympathetic ear or a shoulder or something.”

 

“How about just a distraction until I’m too tired to stay awake?”

 

She made a surprised look – all big eyes and open mouth. “I make a great distraction. No lie.”

 

For the first time, his smile was genuine. “Okay.”

 

They ended up going for decaf and pie – coconut cream for her and blackberry a la mode for him – and he found himself talking about Jared.

 

“I just knew the first time I met him.”

 

“I don’t believe in love at first sight,” she said and popped a fluffy bit of pie into her mouth.

 

“How about lust?” he asked.

 

She chuckled. “Oh yeah, that I believe in.”

 

He pushed a bite of pie around in melting ice cream. “I wish you could have seen him – tall and muscled, sexy mess of hair, the hottest drawl and a smile … I was just gone for him. I mean, nothing was gonna stop me from getting him, even if he was white bread and I was …” He stabbed at a blackberry.

 

She glanced up from scraping the last bit of pie from her plate. “You were what?” she asked.

 

“Everything a responsible guy with a financial management job and a white Camry should stay a mile away from.” He pushed his half-eaten pie away and took a drink of coffee.

 

She held her cup in both hands and peered at him over the top. “That’s vague.”

 

“I was 16.”

 

Her brows rose. “Oh.”

 

“And … from the wrong side of the tracks.” He bit his lip a moment. “I lied about my age. Pursued him, relentlessly. He loved me. Married me.”

 

“And now?”

 

“He was in a motorcycle accident. Lost a leg.”

 

Her eyes went wide and she recoiled, knocking her fork onto the table with a clatter. “Oh my God, how awful.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen’s gaze dropped to the mess of whipped cream and berry juice on his plate. “I gave him that bike.”

 

“You don’t think it’s your fault.”

 

“No.” Jensen shrugged. “It’s just a fact.”

 

The waitress, Stacy with lime green hair, came by to freshen their coffee.

 

“So what about you?” Jensen asked when she walked away. “What’s your story?”

 

“My story?” Pam sighed. “Went to UT Dallas on a scholarship. Sociology major. Lost interest, dropped out till I could figure out what I wanted to do, and here I am a career bartender living with a cat and a ferret.”

 

“A ferret?”

 

“Yeah, Opie. Quite the guy magnet.”

 

“I’ll bet.”

 

“You want to meet him?” she asked. Jensen sensed there was more to the invitation than meeting her pets.

 

He smiled and shook his head. “Pam.”

 

“Sorry.” She held her hand up palm outward. “I’m sorry. You’re gay and married. I just felt like …” She motioned between them.

 

“There was an attraction?” Jensen bit his lip. “Yeah. I’m just glad the bartender was an attractive woman and not an attractive man. I’m not used to sleeping alone.”

 

“I wish I could help,” she said.

 

Jensen cleared his throat. “Yeah, well, I appreciate the pie and the company,” he said. “I should go get some sleep.” He picked up the check that Stacy had left on the edge of the table.

 

“Right, of course,” Pam said. She set her cup down and pushed it away. “Listen, Jensen, if you ever need pie and company …”

 

“Yeah, thanks.” He took the check to the cash register and paid. Pam waited to walk out with him. The temperature rose fifteen degrees as they stepped out the door. “You want me to walk you home?”

 

“No,” Pam said. “Thanks anyway. I know the neighborhood. It’s fine.”

 

Jensen nodded. “See ya round.”

 

“Yeah, take care of that man of yours.”

 

“I will, thanks.” He stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and headed toward the hotel. He entered the side entrance near the bar, which had already closed. His feet were like lead as he climbed the stairs to his room.

 

The air conditioning unit under the window made a dull roar but left the room with a pleasant chill. He toed off his sneakers and went into the bathroom to piss. He brushed his teeth and stared at his reflection, but he saw Pam with her laughing eyes and deep cleavage.

 

He squeezed his eyes shut a moment, and when he opened them, he gave himself a hard stare. “What the fuck is the matter with you?”

 

He left the bathroom and was confronted by two neatly made beds. He laid down on the nearest one, without turning back the covers or taking off his clothes, and fell asleep.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header2_zpshyxvizxf.png.html)

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

 

They stood grouped around Jared’s bed – Betty, the therapist, Dr. Edgington, Cathy, and Jensen.

 

“You’re healing remarkably well,” Dr. Edgington said. “And there’s no reason you shouldn’t. You’re young, healthy, in good physical condition. You’ll be fitted with a new prosthetic and with physical therapy transition to your job and regular activities within a couple of months.”

 

“That’s great news, honey,” Cathy said.

 

“Yeah,” Jared said without enthusiasm. He had a stubborn set to his jaw.

 

“You no longer require hospitalization,” Edgington said. “Now, if you lived here in Dallas, we’d set you up with outpatient physical therapy. As you don’t, you have a couple of options. There’s a very good inpatient rehabilitation center nearby or Betty can look into it and refer you to physical therapist and prosthetics provider elsewhere.”

 

Jared just nodded.

 

“How long are talking about?” Cathy asked.

 

“Therapy is ongoing. In Jared’s case, I’d say eight weeks to twelve weeks,” Betty said.

 

“You could come home,” Jensen said. “There’s bound to be providers in Joliet or the suburbs.”

 

“No.” Jared gave Jensen a brief glare. “I’m not going through the airport and flight like an invalid.”

 

“You could come to San Antonio, stay with me and your dad for a few weeks,” Cathy said.

 

Jared let out an annoyed huff.

 

“You don’t have to make a decision right now,” Edgington said. “Talk it over with your family and let us know. You’re doing great, Jared.” He gave them all a polite smile and left the room.

 

“Do you have any questions that I can answer?” Betty asked.

 

Jared gave a terse shake of his head.

 

“Is there any reason that he needs inpatient rehabilitation?” Jensen asked.

 

“Not really, no,” Betty said. “Insurance is willing to provide it for a few weeks only because he’s so far from home.”

 

“Okay, thanks,” Jensen said.

 

“Thank you, Betty,” Cathy said. “You’ve been great.”

 

“Thanks. Let me know if you need anything,” she said. “We do need a decision later today so we can make arrangements, okay?” Betty let the door go shut behind her.

 

“Nursing home,” Jared said. “The fucking nursing home.”

 

Cathy had scowled, and Jensen said, “Dude, don’t use that word in front of your mom.”

 

Cathy’s lips twitch into a small smile. Jensen counted it as points in his favor.

 

“I’m going to go and let you two talk,” she said. “I’ll see you later, honey.” She patted Jared’s hand and gave Jensen a smile in passing.

 

Jensen waited till the door shut behind her. “There’s no reason for you to go to a rehab center. You can come home.”

 

“No, Godammit! I don’t want you to be my nurse!”

 

Jensen’s mouth dropped open, and Jared looked sheepish.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just don’t want this part of it invading our lives.”

 

“I’ve practically been living at this hospital for weeks, Jared. This is our life. I’m trying to be supportive here.”

 

“You are!” Jared took Jensen’s hand and pulled him closer. “I couldn’t have gotten through this far without you.”

 

Jensen sat on the edge of the bed. “So why not go to your mom and dad’s house. I mean, your mom is a nurse.”

 

Jared shook his head. “I’m not going home to Mommy and Daddy. Jen, I’m a grown-ass man here.”

 

“I know you are.” Jensen smirked.

 

For the first time in hours, Jared smiled. “I love you.”

 

“Me too.” Jensen leaned forward, and Jared’s smile faded as their lips touched. Jensen’s hand slipped beneath the sheet and cupped Jared’s cock through the cotton gown. Jared made an approving hum. His long deft fingers slipped up Jensen’s arms and pulled him closer.

 

Jensen’s fingers burrowed beneath the gown and caressed the delicate skin of his sac before slipping up the shaft of his hardening cock. Jared’s hips pushed upward, pressing the thickening flesh into Jensen’s palm. Jensen broke the kiss and moved downward. Jared petted Jensen’s hair as Jensen took the half-hard member in his mouth. Jensen loved how it quickly responded to his attention. He stroked the shaft and suckled the head in a way he knew wound Jared up.

 

There was tension in Jared’s thighs and abs, a slight roll of his hips as he tried to keep from thrusting into Jensen’s throat. That would be okay, too. Jensen didn’t mind. It was hot when Jared lost control. Without thinking his hand slid down Jared’s left thigh toward his knee, and Jared shoved him away.

 

“Stop it!” Jared ordered and yanked the sheet up. Jensen stumbled to his feet and stood beside the bed, speechless, as Jared curled onto his side, away from him. “Just leave me alone.”

 

“Okay.” Jensen stared at Jared’s broad back a moment before turning away. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath. “I’m not just going to leave you alone,” he said. He didn’t wait for the answer he knew wasn’t coming. He pulled the door open and stepped into the hall.

 

Cathy was sitting nearby and rose when she saw him. Her eyes went wide.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

 

Jensen looked over her shoulder. “I guess, he’s decided to go to a rehab center. He doesn’t want either of us being his nursemaid.”

 

“That’s not surprising,” she said. “He feels helpless.”

 

“He’s not the only one,” Jensen said. “I’m sorry. I know it isn’t about me. I just...” He leaned back against the wall and stared at the clock over the nurses’ station.

 

Her brow furrowed. “Is there something else?”

 

Jensen looked at her – the dark circles under her eyes and fleece jacket she’d practically lived in to ward off the A/C chill at the hospital. She’d nearly lost her child. Her baby. Hard to imagine Jared ever being an infant.

 

Jensen shook his head. “I need to get some air, okay? I’ll see you later.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

It had taken Jared a while to fall asleep, and waking up was like crawling out of deep hole. He was still curled on his side. He hadn’t slept in this position for a while, with is knees bent, and his foot was asleep. He shook his leg to wake it up, and it hurt, fierce, white hot. _Blazing sunlight, helmet weight_ , he thrashed.

 

“Jared? Honey, are you okay?” His mom was leaning over the bed, gripping his shoulder.

 

He stilled, wide-eyed. “Yeah, I just, I…” His breath caught in his throat. It was gone. He could feel it. He looked down at the bedcovers tented over the prosthesis. “Just had a weird dream.”

 

She smoothed the hair back from his forehead like she did when he was sick as a kid. “You’re hot.” She poured water into a cup from the pitcher on the tray table. “You always ran ten degrees warmer than anyone else.”

 

“That would be a bad fever,” he muttered.

 

“That wasn’t a professional assessment.” She handed him the cup of water. “That was a maternal observation. Jeremy and Jordan weren’t like that. You’d run around the house in nothing but briefs half the winter.”

 

“That wasn’t because I was hot.” He took a sip of water. “I’m an exhibitionist. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

 

“Ha! Funny.”

 

“Thanks,” he said. He held the glass up. “For the water and distraction and whatnot.”

 

“It’s my job,” she said. “And Jensen’s.” She sat on the edge of the bed. “Did you two fight?”

 

Jared’s jaw clenched, and he set the glass down on the tray table with exaggerated care. “What did he say?”

 

“It’s not about what he said.”

 

“What do you mean? We didn’t fight.”

 

“I raised three sons. I know when a boy is upset.”

 

Jared chewed his lip and then sighed. “It’s personal.”

 

She nodded. “Okay, well, you might want to consider apologizing.”

 

Jared remembered the sick twisting feeling in his chest after shoving Jensen away. “Yeah.”

 

“Jensen said you plan to do inpatient physical therapy.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, that’s your decision.”

 

“And that is you disapproving.”

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

Jared barked out a rueful laugh. “And you didn’t start being my mom yesterday. I know disapproval when I hear it.”

 

“Okay, you’re right. I think it’s a mistake. You’d be better off in San Antonio with your dad and me or better yet, let Jensen take you home.”

 

“I’m not a little kid!”

 

“Don’t shout at me.”

 

Jared unclenched his fists and rubbed his palms over his face. “I’m sorry. I just need to do this on my own.” His hands dropped to his lap.

 

“I understand the need you feel to have control over your life right now, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need support from people who care about you.” She squeezed his hand. “Jensen is strong and he loves you, but he feels helpless too.”

 

“There’s nothing he can do,” Jared said. “He has a business that he’s neglecting while he baby sits me.”

 

 “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see it that way.” Cathy frowned.

 

“Because he’s not seeing clearly,” Jared said. “And neither are you. I don’t need to be coddled.”

 

“Jared! I know you don’t want people feeling sorry for you, but you need to learn the difference between pity and sympathy. Jensen loves you. He was ready to fight your brother the moment he met him because he’s your _husband_. I’m beginning to wonder if you feel quite the same about him.”

 

Jared turned away, his throat so tight he couldn’t speak even had he known what to say.

 

Cathy rose. “Now, I’m going to go get some lunch. I’ll be back after your therapy.” She leaned forward and kissed his temple. “I love you, and because I don’t pity you in the least, I’m suggesting you give very serious thought to the decision you’re making.”

 

Jared couldn’t take his eyes off the collection of plants, flowers, balloons, and plush animals that had collected on the small nightstand. He gave a slight nod.

 

“Okay. I’ll see you later then, honey.”

 

Jared put his face in hands, relieved he didn’t have a roommate and no one could see him from the doorway.

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

**August  
**

Jensen held his tongue, only half-listening, as Jared made arrangements to transfer from the hospital to White Pines Rehabilitation and Extended Care Center. When all the questions were answered and forms signed, Dr. Edgington, Betty, and Cathy filed out of the room. Jensen remained leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

 

“I thought you hated the idea of a nursing home,” he said.

 

“White Pines is a rehabilitation center,” Jared replied. “And it’s a means to an end.”

 

“Right, but you have other alternatives,” Jensen said.

 

“This is my decision.”

 

Jensen hadn’t moved from his spot against the wall. “Yeah, it is.” Jensen rubbed the back of neck. “So, I’ll look for a hotel closer to White Pines then.”

 

“Yeah, about that,” Jared said. “It’s not like I don’t appreciate your support, but you’ve got a business to run and maybe you should get back to it.”

 

“No.” Jensen pinned him with a glare. “Your mom has to go back to work, and I’m not leaving you alone.”

 

“Look, I have to concentrate on physical conditioning, adjusting to a new prosthesis … there’s not much you can do.”

 

Jensen pushed away from the wall and tried to speak more softly. “I could do more if you’d let me.”

 

Jared leaned forward with a scowl. “I told you…”

 

Jensen almost rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you don’t want me to be your nursemaid. Got it.”

 

Jared huffed in exasperation. “You don’t understand.”

 

“No, I think maybe I do,” Jensen said. He ran the fingers of one hand back through his short brush of hair. “You know, I’m not just your pretty fuck toy.”

 

“What?!”

 

“I’m your fucking husband! This is supposed to be a marriage, a partnership!”

 

“It is!” Jared shouted.

 

“Is it? Then why can’t I help you? Why can’t I touch you anymore?”

 

“It’s not about you!”

 

“No?!” Jensen’s jaw clenched. He drew himself in and spoke quietly this time. “You think this is just about you? That it doesn’t affect me? That it isn’t affecting us? Think again.”

 

“Jen, come on.”

 

“No. I need to know if we’re in this together or …” Jensen stopped and rubbed his hand over his lips.

 

“Or what?” Jared’s voice was tight.

 

“Or are you going it alone?”

 

“I don’t know what you want.”

 

Jensen’s anger was gone. He was empty. “And I don’t know how to make it any more clear to you.” He turned and stormed into the hallway. Joan had stood up from her seat at the nurses’ station, and he was pretty sure she’d heard the shouting. He didn’t stop to wait for the elevator but shoved through the door to stairwell with no destination in mind.

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

>

 

 

He walked for blocks and blocks through the humid air. He hated the city. Hated Texas. He scratched at the inside of his left wrist even though the star tattoo had healed. He’d considered covering them with something else, but what was the point? Jared was maimed. The damage was done. What was a tattoo by comparison?

 

The evening was unseasonably cool with the setting sun, and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and hunched his shoulders against the breeze. His motorcycle club affiliation was inscribed on the back. He didn’t expect any trouble from it, and it was like family. Something he still belonged to. Something tangible and real. Worth fighting for if it came down to it.

 

He didn’t know how to get through to Jared, and thinking back he realized the only difficulties they’d faced had been related to their ages and relationship. That had pulled them together, but this was pulling them apart. He could feel it in the physical space between them, the way Jared hid himself from Jensen’s eyes, and every confidence he didn’t share. The intimacy Jensen had come to take for granted just wasn’t there.

 

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he pushed through the door of _The Shamrock_. Pam and a male bartender were behind the bar. It was earlier than his previous visit and there was only one stool open at the bar. He slid onto it.

 

Pam smiled. “Hey, beautiful. Shiner Bock?”

 

Jensen shook his head. “Beam. Straight.”

 

Her smile faded, but she nodded, set a glass on the bar and poured from the white labeled bottle. “You okay?” she asked.

 

Jensen gave her a crooked smile. “No.” He tossed back the bourbon and pointed at his glass.

 

She poured another shot. “I have a break due. You want to talk?” She nodded toward the backroom.

 

He drank back the shot only slightly slower than the first, considered the offer, and nodded.

 

“Come on.” She turned and walked toward the other end of the bar, pausing to say something to the other bartender. Jensen met her at the back and followed her into a short hallway, past doors marked “Lads” and “Lassies” and through a door that read EMPLOYEES ONLY. The room was stacked with boxes of liquor and cases of beer.

 

As she turned, he stepped in close, his hands moving over her smooth, bare arms. She looked up questioningly. Her dark eyes were full of concern, and he leaned in slowly, allowing her an out, before kissing her. That was all the invitation she needed. Her arms went around him and pulled him in tight. Jensen leaned back against a low stack of boxes and pulled her between his legs.

 

His hands slid down over the firm curve of her ass and then up under her shirt, along the silky skin of her back. She smelled warm and cinnamon sweet. Her mouth was soft and welcoming. She was pulled in tight, rubbing against him. His hand slipped between her legs and rubbed over the denim. She hummed approvingly. He never done this, never touched a woman this way.

 

It was too hot in the closed room, and he disengaged long enough to shrug the hoodie off. When her arms came back around him, her hands pushed under the hem of his T-shirt. Her fingernails sent shivers across his back. He devoured her mouth, cupped a full breast in his palm and rubbed over the hardened nub. She moaned and surged against him. Her want urged him on. He needed this. Needed someone, something. He could lose himself here with her, inside of her. He was unaroused, but couldn’t stop. He couldn’t let go of this connection, this touch.

 

The memory of golden skin, big strong hands, and long lithe body invaded his mind. The kiss became salty.

 

She pulled back. “Hey.”

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears. “I’m sorry.”

 

She pulled his head against her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

 

“No,” he protested. “It’s not. I, I…”

 

“Sh.” She held him and rubbed his neck as he cried. He tried to pull himself together, but the sobs only deepened until he was gasping and wrung out. When his lifted his head, her dark curls clung to the tears on his cheek. She absently plucked them away. He couldn’t look at her.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to lead you on or act…”

 

“You don’t need to apologize,” she said. “Has something happened? Is Jared okay?”

 

“I don’t know,” Jensen said. “He doesn’t want me around.” He swiped at his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said. They still stood with their arms around one another. She gazed up at him and stroked his cheek. “That kind of life-changing experience can test a relationship. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”

 

Jensen stood, and she took a step back. “Yeah, well, I was going to cheat on him. What’s that say?”

 

“You didn’t come here for sex,” she said.

 

“I think I did, and I would have,” he said and turned away.

 

“You didn’t, not really, and you couldn’t,” she argued.

 

“Or maybe I’m just too gay,” he said.

 

“Sarcasm is not useful here,” she said.

 

Jensen huffed. “The thing is…” He scratched the back of his neck. “I wanted to cheat on him.”

 

“Did he hurt you?”

 

“That’s not an excuse,” Jensen replied. “He was hurt. He lost a leg, for fuck’s sake. He, he’s …”

 

“That’s a reason for his behavior, not an excuse,” she said. “I’m not excusing your behavior either, but you see the connection, right?”

 

“He hurt me so I wanted to hurt him back? Pretty childish.”

 

“Yeah,” she said with a slight smile. “You’ve both suffered a trauma.”

 

“Is that an excuse?” he asked.

 

“Kind of.” She lifted her purse down from a shelf and took out a pack of Camels and a lighter. She shook a cigarette out, put it between her lips, and offered the pack to him. He took one, and she lit them. He grew up around smokers and had tried them as a teenager but preferred pot. There was something comforting in the familiar burn and an outlet for the nervous energy in his hands.

 

“Maybe I should have stopped you,” she said. She squinted against the smoke as she took a drag.

 

“What’s your excuse?” he asked with a slight smile.

 

“I couldn’t help myself,” she said with a grin that faded when Jensen didn’t respond. He took a drag off his cigarette, and smoke filled the silence between them. Pam’s break would be over soon, and Jensen had no idea what he’d do with the time that lay before him. He wasn’t sure he could face that empty hotel room again.

 

“He’s the only one I’ve ever really been with,” he said.

 

“Seriously?”

 

He shrugged. “A little making out before, but I was 16, you know? I’ve never wanted anyone else. I don’t know what I’d do…” His throat tightened around the words, cutting them off.

 

“Listen,” Pam said as she stubbed her cigarette out on the sole of her boot, “I’m not good at relationships, but I know this much. There will be rough patches. I’m talking about make or break times. Times that you just have to go on faith.”

 

“I’m not religious,” Jensen said.

 

“I’m not talking about religion.” She straightened her shirt and fluffed her hair. “I’m talking about you, and him, and the two of you – in what you have.”

 

“Or had.”

 

“That’s what I’m talking about.” She frowned. “You have to believe in that. You have to have faith that he loves you as much as you love him. Maybe, this is tearing him up as much as it is you.”

 

“You think?” Jensen tossed his cigarette butt on the floor and ground it out with his boot. “Then why does he keep pushing me away?”

 

“I don’t know, honey, but sometimes holding on too tight is the worst thing you can do. Give him some space if he needs it, but let him know you’re there for him.” She got her lipstick out of her purse and reapplied it without a mirror.

 

“I’ve been trying. It’s just…”

 

“You feel alone?” She stuffed the lipstick, cigarettes, and lighter back into her purse.

 

“Yeah.” He hung his head. “I just, shit, that hotel room.”

 

She dug around in her purse and pulled out a set of keys. “Here – 208 North Crowdus, second floor.” She jangled them in her outstretched hand.

 

Jensen raised his brows questioningly.

 

“No hanky-panky,” she said. “Although, I have to warn you, I’m a cuddler.”

 

He took the keys and tossed them in his palm. “You don’t have to do this.”

 

“I’ll let you be the big spoon.”

 

Jensen smiled. “Thank you.”

 

“There’s beer and leftover pizza in the fridge,” she said. “Don’t let Opie out his cage unsupervised.”

 

“Opie? Oh right. The ferret.”

 

“Right.” She swung the door open and the sounds of bar patrons talking and cue balls clacking poured in. “Last time, he pulled the stuffing out of the chair.”

 

“Little rascal.”

 

“Little asshole,” she corrected. She paused outside the door. “Jensen, you’re going to be okay. Whatever happens.”

 

“Yeah, I don’t know, but thanks.”

 

“Sure.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header2_zpshyxvizxf.png.html)

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

 

Jared picked up his phone from the tray table and thumbed it on. Nothing. No missed call or text. He suppressed the urge to throw it and set it back on the table.

 

“He probably overslept,” Cathy said.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He’s run himself ragged the past couple of weeks,” she added.

 

“I know,” Jared said. “I just ...”

 

“I know you’re anxious about transferring to White Pines,” she said. “That’s natural.”

 

“Maybe I’m a little worried about him,” Jared said.

 

Cathy set her book in her lap and frowned.

 

“Sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.” He moved his left leg restlessly. “I know he seems tough – and he is – but he’s …” Jared huffed. His eyes scanned the far wall as though searching for words there.

 

“Young,” Cathy said.

 

Jared shook his head. “Maybe, yeah. Maybe I’m overprotective.”

 

Cathy smiled. “Of course you are.”

 

Jensen walked in then wearing jeans and a rumpled Zeppelin t-shirt. He was carrying a paper cup of coffee, and his hair was spiky and damp. “Hey,” he said.

 

“Where the hell have you been?” Jared demanded. “I texted you.”

 

Jensen shrugged, and his smile widened. “I must have been in the shower.”

 

“Yeah? When I called your cell phone? And your room phone?”

 

Jensen’s smile faltered, and he looked wary. Cathy stood. “I should let you two talk,” she said and looked at her watch. “They’ll be coming to get you for the transfer in about twenty minutes.”

 

Jared pinned Jensen with a glare and waited for Cathy to leave. The door swung shut behind her. “So?” he asked.

 

“I wasn’t in my room last night,” he said.

 

All the anger drained from Jared. His breath caught in his throat, and he looked away.

 

“It’s not like that,” Jensen said. He sat on the edge of the bed. “Hey, no, it’s a girl, a friend.”

 

The anger flared again. “You’re liar,” he said. “You don’t have any friends here.”

 

Jensen’s eyes widened. “I’m not lying,” he said. “She’s a bartender at a place I’ve been to a couple times for a beer. She’s, you know, a good listener.” He took Jared’s hand in his.

 

“So you’ve been telling her about us,” Jared said. “About our argument yesterday.”

 

“Jared…shit, it was a rough day, all right?” He rubbed Jared’s palm.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Jared snatched his hand away. The hurt look in Jensen’s eyes almost made him relent. “So …”

 

“So, I fell asleep on her couch,” Jensen said, “and woke up late with her damned cat on my chest.”

 

“Okay,” Jared said. He let Jensen take his hand again. He watched Jensen’s fingers explore his for a moment before looking up. “That’s not your shirt, so you didn’t go to the motel this morning.”

 

“No,” Jensen admitted. “I took a shower at Pam’s and came over here. I’m sorry that I worried you.” His eyes looked strangely empty.

 

“Jen, I’m sorry that I doubted you,” Jared said. “I, Jesus, I just seem all over the place lately – angry and depressed and just out of control – and I’m sorry. I was short with Mama this morning too.”

 

“It’s okay,” Jensen said. “I mean, I understand, you know. You’re body has been through a huge trauma. There’s bound to be emotional fallout from that.”

 

“I know this is hard for you too,” Jared said. “I know you love me, and the accident was a nightmare.”

 

Jensen let out a rueful laugh.

 

“What?” Jared asked.

 

Jensen shook his head. “Nothing.”

 

Jared gripped his hand and said, “Don’t do that. It’s not nothing.”

 

The kid could be a skilled liar 95% of the time, but the other five percent, every flicker of emotion showed. There was pain and fear behind the smile Jensen tried to force onto his face. “I see it,” he said. “In my head. Over and over.” He drew in a shaky breath. “And sometimes…” His eyes shone with unshed tears.

 

“Oh baby, hey, I’m okay,” Jared said. “I’m going to be fine.”

 

Jensen stood and swiped his hand over his eyes. “You shouldn’t be comforting me,” he said. His brows drew together and he paced a few steps away and turned back. “You’re the one that was injured, damn it.”

 

“No,” Jared said. “What was it you asked last night about this being a marriage, a partnership?”

 

Jensen stopped pacing. “Yeah? Because that’s a two-way street, you know?”

 

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “You’re right.”

 

The door pushed open and Joan entered pushing a wheelchair. “All right, Jared, it’s official. You’re getting sprung.”

 

Jared pasted on a smile he didn’t quite feel. “Awesome. I’ve always wanted to try out the nursing home experience.”

 

“Hey, it’s one step closer to home,” Jensen said. His smile was so warm and genuine that Jared’s smile became more than a mask.

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/LEG%20y%20copylip%20600_zpslgwnf3fw.png.html)

 

Joan stopped the wheelchair beside the bed and set the brakes. Jared swung his right leg off the bed but kept the left covered with the blanket. He was acutely aware of Jensen standing nearby. He’d been practicing moving from the bed to a chair with his therapist, using the prosthesis to help balance and take a little of his weight, but this was different with Jensen and his mom standing there. He was well aware that if he fell, Jensen was the only one big enough to stop it. He couldn’t let that happen.

 

Jared took Joan’s arm for balance, flicked the blanket off his left leg, and put it over the edge of the bed as he put his weight on his right. He swung around toward the wheelchair and lowered himself into it. His heart was pounding and sweat beaded his forehead.

 

“Well done,” Joan said. “You keep up your strength and do your therapy and you will be back to living your life in no time.”

 

“You think?” he asked with more attitude than he’d intended. His mother shot him a warning glance. “Yeah,” he added, “that’s the plan.” He sat back with a sigh. It was just so hard to take encouragement sometimes. It became aggravating like they thought it was so simple.

 

“Okay, all set?” Joan asked.

 

“Yeah,” Jared said.

 

Cathy had already packed his plants, gifts and few other belongings into a couple small boxes. She and Jensen each took one and followed.

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

 

“Matt seems nice.” _…and hot. Dark hair, sparkling eyes, and compact muscular body. Incredibly likable._  That was Jared’s new physical therapist. Jensen tried not to feel anything about how much time Matt got to spend with Jared.

 

The lights were off in the room. Flickering images on the TV gave the room a strobe light effect. Jensen rubbed his eyes.

 

“Yeah.” Jared didn’t look away from the _Seinfeld_ rerun.

 

“So you think he has a good plan set up?”

 

“Yeah.” Jared looked over. “Why not?”

 

“No reason,” Jensen said. “I just … is there something you’re supposed to do in the evening? Something I could help you with?”

 

“No.” Jared looked back at the TV.

 

“Right, okay.”

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

Jensen approached the physical therapy room. Jared didn’t want him there. He hadn’t exactly said that, but Jensen knew it. He watched the toes of his sneakers as he made his way down the blue and beige checkerboard hallway. He heard Jared’s voice before he got to the doorway where he stopped.

 

Jared was seated on a bench in shorts. Matt had squatted down in front of him, one knee on the floor. He said something to Jared and looked up smiling. Jared replied. Jensen couldn’t hear what he said, but there was a broad smile on his face. Matt arched an eyebrow, and said, “You know I do.” Jared laughed. Jensen’s stomach dropped.

 

Matt’s hand was wrapped around the back of Jared’s left calf just above the spot where there was nothing. Nothing.

 

Jensen bolted. He shoved his way through the door of a nearby men’s room. It was a single, and he turned the lock. He approached the sink, but caught sight of himself in the mirror and turned away.

 

“No, no, no,” he mumbled as he shoved both hands across his scalp. He paced the small space back and forth. His breaths came short and hard. A sob like a hurt thing caught in his chest. “No!” He turned and slammed his fist into the paper towel dispenser. The plastic casing collapsed under the force with a loud crack. The automatic mechanism whirred and gears ground together.

 

“Fuck,” he muttered. “Stupid. You’re being stupid. Shit.” A drop of blood hit the toe of his sneaker and then another on the tile. He turned his hand over to examine the gash across his knuckles. It wasn’t too deep but it was fairly long from where his hand had sunk into the shattered shell and the broken edge had sliced into his knuckles.

 

He went to the sink and put his hand under cold running water. He sucked air through his teeth at the sting. He braced his left hand against the wall while he rinsed the right. He looked into the mirror then – freckles stark against ghostly skin, bluish circles beneath his eyes and stubbled cheeks. 

 

He turned off the water and ripped a long piece of toweling from broken dispenser. He wrapped it around his hand. “Idiot,” he mumbled.

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

 

Jared was taking a break. Sort of. He was sitting down, drinking water, and flexing his leg. Straighten. Bend. Straighten. Bend.

 

“You’re disciplined,” Matt said.

 

Jared shrugged. “I’m a runner, _was_ a runner. I’m used to exercising every day. I like it. It feels good to be moving again.”

 

“You’ll be able to run again,” Matt said. “Maybe not as soon as you’d like, but you will.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Jared took a drink.

 

“What about your boyfriend? Does he run?”

 

“My husband. Jensen. No, Jensen’s not a runner.” Jared smiled. Jensen had gone on some short runs with him, but Jensen preferred going back to sleep when Jared ran and then nursing himself to wakefulness with coffee about ten o’clock. They lifted weights together semi-regularly. Jensen liked to swim or play basketball. There was a hoop out behind his dad’s shop where some of the guys or just Jared, just the two of them, would play in the evening after closing. That was in the summer. In the winter, sex and billiards were about as strenuous as Jensen got.

 

“He’s hot,” Matt said.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Hey, I’m not hitting on him – although, I imagine that happens pretty frequently,” Matt said. “I’m just saying, he’s gorgeous.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared said, “he is.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

 

Jensen polished off his third Shiner Bock. He looked down the bar. Pam was turned away helping another customer. He caught her co-worker’s eye and pointed to his empty.

 

“Thanks,” he said when Kyle brought him another glass. “A shot of Beam too.”

 

He just tossed back the bourbon when Pam walked over. “What are you doing?” she asked with a frown.

 

“I feel like doing something stupid and reckless,” he said.

 

“I’d say you already are.” She leaned on the bar, and he looked straight down her cleavage.

 

“Pfft, I’ve been drinking since I was fourteen,” he said. “This ain’t nothin’.”

 

She pushed a tendril of curls out of her eyes. “So, what do you have planned?” she asked. 

 

“You can’t plan stupid and reckless.” He grinned. “It blindsides you.”

 

“Is that right?”

 

“Totally,” he said. “Like Jared? He didn’t plan to fall for me. I’m his stupid and reckless.”

 

She pushed away from the bar. “Don’t do that.”

 

“It’s not a lie.”

 

“I’m cutting you off.” She emphasized the statement with a jab of her finger in his direction and then sauntered down the bar to wait on another customer.

 

He wasn’t sure whether she’d really cut him off or if he could finagle more drinks out of Kyle, who was not bad looking, and Jensen was pretty sure he was gay. He surreptitiously checked out Kyle’s ass when both he and Pam were looking elsewhere. He didn’t need a lecture from Pam on that as well.

 

“You’re a long way from home, ain’t ya, Dog?” a deep voice said behind him.

 

Jensen pushed his beer away. He’d worn the hoodie with his MC logo on it – a snarling canine with the words Iron Dogs Motorcycle Club around it. Hadn’t even thought about it. He looked over his shoulder. The guy was big, tall and barrel-chested, bald with a gray beard. He grinned like a demented Russian strongman.

 

“Hell, you aint’ even a dog,” he said. “You’re just a puppy.”

 

The guy was flanked by two friends whom Jensen gave the nicknames Suck and Ass in his mind. He smirked. “Your pals not give you enough dick to nurse on, you need mine too?”

 

The big guy’s eyes went wide for half a second before they narrowed. “What’d you say?” He asked it as though he sincerely couldn’t imagine Jensen had said what he had.

 

“I said, Suck. My. Dick. Bitch.”

 

Jensen was pretty sure the guy roared when he attacked, and he knew he didn’t stand a chance. He only got in one good hit which bloodied the guy’s nose before the three of them were on him. He heard Pam scream his name, and then it was just a flurry of fists. Like the cowards they were, Suck and Ass grabbed him so the Russian could pummel him. The first punch caught him in the mouth and tasted blood. The next couple would blacken his eye. The two after that bent him double and left him gasping for air and on the verge of retching.

 

When the bouncer and Kyle broke it up, Jensen went to his knees. He gulped air as his stomach muscles stopped spasming. He spit blood onto the floor.

 

“Jensen!” Pam grabbed his shoulder and tried to get him to sit up. He held up a hand signaling her to wait. “Hold on,” she said.

 

Jensen took a deep breath and sat back on his heels. He wiggled his jaw to see if it was broken. Sore, yeah, but not horrible. The entire left side of his face hurt.

 

Suddenly, Pam was back with a towel and ice. “We should take you to the hospital.”

 

“No,” he said. The crowd that had gathered for the fight was dispersing – going back to drinking and playing pool. “S’okay.”

 

“It’s not okay.” She hooked a hand under his arm and helped him to his feet. “Let me see.”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes and sat back on his bar stool. He poked at his teeth with his tongue to see if any were loose.

 

“Your lip is split,” Pam said.

 

“Oh so that’s where the blood’s coming from,” he said. The snark was diminished by the slurred delivery caused by the puffy lip.

 

Pam pushed the ice pack back to his face.

 

“Ow!”

 

“I’m trying to help you, and you’re being an ass,” she said.

 

“Sorry,” he said. His left eye was swelling too.

 

Pam sighed. “Hold on.” She disappeared for a moment and returned with her purse. “Come on.”

 

“I told you…”

 

“Yeah, I heard you. You can sleep on my couch.”

 

“Just take me to the motel.”

 

“You could have a concussion,” she argued. “You shouldn’t be alone.”

 

He followed her out like a whipped dog with his tail between his legs.

 

The air felt like a damp blanket when they got to the mostly deserted street.

 

“So, you feel better?” Pam asked.

 

Jensen held the ice pack to his eye. “Not particularly. Why?”

 

“Stupid and reckless was your goal, right?” She side-eyed him.

 

“Right.”

 

The restaurants were closed for the night. Their windows were dark and blank. Beer signs glowed in the windows of bars. Music and voices spilled from the doorways.

 

“There wasn’t any satisfaction in it,” he said.

 

“You feel like you deserved it for some reason?” she asked.

 

Jensen shrugged. “I thought I’d have a chance to get a few punches in. They cheated.”

 

“Jesus, men.”

 

“I guess I could have eaten a quart of rocky road and cried over a Lifetime movie.”

 

“Screw you, Jensen.”

 

He leaned against the brick façade as she unlocked the street door. She glared at him before entering. There was a bare bulb overhead and the walls were scuffed and cracked. He followed her up the stairs.

 

“I was raised by men, okay,” he said to her back.

 

Her small kitchen was white with black and pink accents. A string of skull lights hung along the wall over the table. She set her purse on the pink and black checkerboard tablecloth.

 

She ignored his comment. “Do you have a headache?”

 

He cocked an eyebrow at her and then winced at the pain. “From my chin to my temple.”

 

“That’s not what I meant,” she said. “I meant a ‘headache’ – like from a concussion possibly?”

 

“No, I don’t think so,” he said.

 

Pamela went to an old curved-front Frigidaire that had been painted pink and got out a bottle of water. She offered it to him.

 

“Got a beer?”

 

“You’ve had enough,” she said with her arm still extended.

 

Jensen took the water and broke the seal. “Thanks, Mom.” He sat down at the table even though he wasn’t sure he’d have the energy to get back up.

 

Pamela was putting ice into a Ziploc bag. “Did I say, ‘screw you’? I did, didn’t I?” She sealed the bag and handed it to him. “Here.”

 

Jensen took it and held it to his eye. “Thanks.”

 

She leaned back against the counter and lit a cigarette.

 

“Can I have one of those?” he asked.

 

“Sure.” She sat down across from him and slid a Flamingo Casino ashtray between them. Her gaze mapped his face in a way that made him want to squirm.

 

“Is it that bad?” he asked.

 

“It’s not going to be gone by morning,” she said and took a drag off her cigarette. Smoke curled around her.

 

Jensen huffed a puff of smoke. “No kidding.”

 

She just stared at him.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

“Aren’t you concerned about what Jared will think?”

 

“Yeah, you know, I feel like…” He stubbed out his cigarette over and over.

 

“Like what?” She put her hand over his had to still it.

 

“Like the past five years were some kind of…dream or something.” He spoke quietly. “I was better with him. Now, this is me. The real me.”

 

“The real you?”

 

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m drunk and…” He shook his head. “I should probably just get some sleep.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

 

 

There’s a long smear of red   Glistening on the pavement  
A ragdoll, twisted and broken  
His hands cradle the helmet  
Filled with broken bone and bits of flesh  
Screams…

 

“Jensen! Hey, hey!”

 

He was being shaken. The nightmare followed him even as the scream died in his throat. His eyes snapped open. Light from the hallway angled into the living room. Pam’s eyes were wide in her pale face.

 

He took a shaky breath. “Sorry, sorry.”

 

She picked up his bottle of water from the coffee table and handed it to him. “Does this happen a lot?”

 

“Often enough.” He took a long drink from the bottle.

 

“Jared’s accident?”

 

“Worse,” he said. “My brain is turning it into a horror movie.”

 

“Jesus.” She sat back against the couch.

 

“The motel threatened to throw me out two nights ago because of complaints.” He slumped against his pillow. “The couple in the next room called the cops. Thought someone was being murdered or something.”

 

“You have to do something,” she said.

 

“Like what?” he asked. “A shrink?”

 

“Maybe,” she said. “You’re afraid of losing him.”

 

“Ya think?” He sighed. “No, you’re right. I just need him back, you know? I want my life back.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

 

Jensen’s fists were shoved into the pockets of his hoodie. He took a deep breath and let it out before approaching Jared’s room. He’d looked at himself in the mirror that morning, and what he’d seen wasn’t pretty. His left eye wasn’t swollen quite shut, and purple and green bruising blossomed there. His lip was visibly split and puffy. He entered the room slowly, gauging Jared’s reaction.

 

Jared’s gaze strayed from the TV and he sat up straight in alarm. “Jen, holy shit, what happened to you?!”

 

Jensen tried to smile. “Someone objected to my club affiliation.”

 

“Come here, baby.” Jared held out his hand. “Jesus, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “Just a black eye.”

 

Jared’s brow furrowed. “Just nothing. You could have a broken bone. Did you have a doctor look at this?” His fingers grazed Jensen’s cheek.

 

“Nah, come on,” Jensen said. “I put some ice on it. Pam hung with me to make sure I didn’t have a concussion.”

 

“Pam, huh?” Jared asked. “I need to meet her and thank her for watching out for you. Unless she’s the one who got you into trouble.”

 

“No, it didn’t have anything to do with her,” Jensen said. “She was working. I was drinking. Minding my own business.”

 

“You shouldn’t wear that here,” Jared said as he eyed the hoodie.

 

“It’s who I am,” Jensen said.

 

Jared let out a deep breath. “Yeah, that’s another reason for you to go home.”

 

Jensen’s heart raced. “You aren’t serious.”

 

“I am. You have a business that’s being neglected. It’s bad enough that I’m not there to handle the books for your dad, but your business needs you. And there’s nothing for you to do here except worry about me and get in bar fights.”

 

“That’s not fair,” Jensen said. “I’m here for you, to support you.”

 

“I have support here,” Jared argued, “Matt and the rest of the staff.”

 

“Right.” Jensen stood and walked away a few feet. “You have Matt.”

 

“Don’t you do that,” Jared said. “It isn’t like that. He’s my physical therapist.”

 

Jensen turned. “Sure, I know. I thought you needed me…” He couldn’t continue. His throat closed up. He blinked.

 

“I can manage a few weeks without you,” Jared said.

 

“You know, I could be helping you with exercises in the evening and…”

 

“No, stop it! I don’t want you to,” Jared said. “Look, I just want to get past this, okay? Maybe it’s not the best way, but it’s how I feel. I can’t be worrying about you out there getting into fights or whatever you’re doing. I’ve got enough shit on my plate here. I want you to go back to Illinois.”

 

Jensen just nodded. He couldn’t speak. Could barely breathe. He turned and fled. He was vaguely aware of meeting Matt in the hallway, of the guy speaking to him, but he just kept walking.


	9. Part III

 

 

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header6_zpsu339vw3g.png.html)

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

**September**

 

No doubt Jared’s office was neat, but Jensen’s work counter was a mess. He’d had clients the day before they’d left for Texas and he’d only done the minimum to straighten up before leaving town. There were patterns strewn across the counter and pots of ink sitting out. He sighed and began to put things away. He liked to be organized.

 

It was a rare day that he’d worked in the shop without Jared in the next room. It felt empty, too quiet. He docked his iPod, but his fingers lingered over the controls. He scrolled up and down – Nine Inch Nails, Black Sabbath, Rob Zombie, Mad Season, paused and pressed. _My pain..is self-chosen…_

 

“Hey!”

 

Jensen spun around with a pot of black ink in his hand. J.D. stood glowering in the doorway. Jensen huffed in annoyance and mumbled, “Asshole.”

 

“What are you doing here?” J.D. asked

 

“Getting back to work,” Jensen replied and turned his back on his father.

 

“Where’s Jared?”

 

“In Dallas.”

 

“Turn around when I’m talking to you,” J.D. said.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“What?!”

 

Jensen turned. “I said…”

 

“I heard what you said.” J.D. frowned. “So, what are you doing here?”

 

“He didn’t want me there.”

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“He did.”

 

“Did he?” J.D. asked with that tone that had made Jensen squirm when he was younger.

 

“Yeah, he did. Said he was tired of worrying about me, and I wasn’t being useful.”

 

J.D. nodded. “What happened to you? Run into a door?”

 

Jensen had nearly forgotten about the black eye and cut lip. “Just a little disagreement in a bar,” he said.

 

“Over?”

 

“My MC affiliation.”

 

“And it came to blows.”

 

“I may have told a Hell’s Angel to suck my dick.”

 

J.D. threw his had back and laughed. “I wish I could have seen that.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen smiled ruefully. “It was pretty amusing until his two buddies held me while he pummeled me.”

 

J.D. got a deadly dark look in his eyes. “Wish I’d been there.”

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

J.D. stepped closer. No more than arm’s length away. “You okay?”

 

“Just a black eye.”

 

J.D. nodded. His gaze never left Jensen’s face. Jensen got the urge to squirm then. “I’m not worried about that,” J.D. said.

 

Jensen turned away and went to the mini-fridge for a beer. “Want one?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Jensen pried the caps off two bottles of 312 and handed one to J.D.

 

“What did he say exactly?” J.D. asked.

 

Jensen raised his brows questioningly. “Who?” And raised the bottle to his lips.

 

J.D. tipped his head back and huffed. “You know who. Quit playing dumb.”

 

Jensen leaned his ass against the edge of the counter-top and let his head drop forward. “I told you. He said he wanted me to come home.” He stared at the toes of his boots. “Said I needed to get back to business and he has all the support he needs there.”

 

“Whoa, what’s that?”

 

Jensen raised his eyes but not his head. “What?”

 

“That look,” J.D. said.

 

Jensen turned around and began to put pots of ink back into their proper places on the rack.

 

“You know, I know that look,” J.D. said. Jensen knew that tone of voice. He could see his father’s expression in his head. J.D. was leaning against something with his arms crossed, sipping beer and being fucking smug. “In the dictionary next to ‘green-eyed monster’ there’s a picture of you.”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Jensen mumbled.

 

“What?”

 

“You fucking heard me.” Jensen put a package of stencils in a drawer and slammed it.

 

“Ah, don’t slam things around like a baby. Turn around and face me,” J.D. said.

 

Jensen swung around a glared at him. “What the fuck do you want from me?”

 

“You got something to be jealous about back in Dallas?” J.D. wasn’t being an ass then. He was dead serious.

 

“What if I did?”

 

“If Jared was fucking around on you? I’d break his other leg.”

 

Jensen’s lips twitched, but he shook his head. “He isn’t. I mean, I don’t think so. There’s just this guy, I mean, it’s his physical therapist, and he’s hot and nice and …”

 

“And?”

 

Jensen started to bite his lip and winced. “And he’s there. And I’m not. And that’s how Jared wants it. So, yeah, I’m jealous.” He sat down a rolling stool and hooked his heels on the step.

 

“You don’t trust him?”

 

“I can’t even trust myself.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“We had words a few days ago. I was so pissed off and…I went out to a bar and almost had sex with someone, a woman.”

 

J.D.’s eyes creased in amusement and he tried to hold it in, but the laugh escaped. “Shit!”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

J.D. coughed. “Sorry, but you gotta admit that delivery was funny.”

 

“It’s not funny!”

 

“Yeah, that last bit was pretty funny, if you think about it.”

 

Jensen put his face in his hands.

 

“Hey, son, come on. You and Jared have been through the wringer. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

 

“But if I did that, right there in Dallas with him just a few blocks away, then…with me gone…” He looked up at J.D. “I don’t get it. Why’d he want me gone?”

 

“Because he doesn’t want you to see him as weak.” J.D. drained his beer bottle and set it down. “This is a situation where your age difference doesn’t help. Like it or not, you’re still young.”

 

“You’re saying I’m not a man.”

 

“Compared to him? No. He thinks he’s the one who has to take care of you. He can’t do that with you running around Dallas getting into bar fights.”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Not like it’s the first fight I’ve ever been in.”

 

“No, it isn’t,” J.D. said with a pointed look.

 

Jensen’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

 

J.D. nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Jensen’s jaw clenched a moment. “So he sent me home for you to look after.”

 

“I don’t plan on it.”

 

“That isn’t the point!” Jensen was on his feet again and pacing.

 

“Yeah, so Saturday,” J.D. headed for the door. “You wanna do some target practice?”

 

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”

 

J.D. stopped in the doorway. “Listen, me and the guys are ordering barbeque and having a few beers, maybe play cards after close. Why don’t you come over to the shop?”

 

“I don’t think I’d be much fun.”

 

“Just come by and have something to eat then. Mikey’d really like to see you. You know how he worries like a mother hen.”

 

Jensen smiled. “Yeah, okay.”

 

“Good. You know how I hate him moping and crying around the garage.”

 

“Yeah.” When the door swung shut, Jensen stood in the middle of his shop as though lost.

 

He went to the door of the office and looked in. Jared’s computer was powered down. His files and books were neatly stacked to one side. The expensive Aerochair that Jensen bought him was pushed up to the desk. Jensen pulled it out and sat down.

 

There was a long, narrow window that looked out into the shop. It appeared to be mirrored from the other side, but Jared could sit here and watch Jensen work. He’d always liked knowing that Jared was there, looking out for him.

 

He felt empty. He wasn’t sure how he could work without his man here. He pushed himself up from the chair. He was glad then that he was going to hang out with the guys at the garage. Hard as it would be to face them and answer their inevitable questions about Jared, going home to a dark empty house would be harder.

 

As it turned out, the guys – just Mikey and Hudu – didn’t ask many questions. Jensen had no doubt that J.D. had warned them off, and he was grateful. J.D. could be an ass, but not a complete ass.

 

He tried to beg off playing cards, but they insisted they needed him for euchre since Krueg hadn’t showed. They plied him with beer and then shots of tequila. J.D. was his partner, and Jensen was pretty sure his dad was feigning annoyance when Jensen began to lose track of what suit was trump. The second time he accidentally reneged, J.D. threw down his hand.

 

“I think it’s time to take you home, lightweight.”

 

“Lightweight? I’ve drank twice as much as you.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Come on, boy.” J.D. headed toward the door. “I’m going to go pull the truck around.”

 

Jensen pushed himself to his feet and held onto the edge of the scarred picnic table in the motorcycle shop’s backroom. He lifted one foot over the seat and steadied himself. Mikey grabbed his arm, and Jensen started to pull away.

 

“Hey, now, just tryin’ to help you out, kid,” Mikey said.

 

“I’m fine,” Jensen said petulantly.

 

“Considering that shiner, I’d hate for you to fall and break that pretty nose too.”

 

Jensen got both feet free of the bench and jerked his arm from Mikey’s grasp. “Jealous.”

 

“Hell yeah, if I had a face like that I’d be beaten ‘em off with a stick,” he said, and added at a mumble, “not married to some jackass.”

 

Jensen paused for moment and tried to peer at Mikey, but he couldn’t quite focus. “You think Jared’s a jackass?”

 

“Nah, not really,” Mikey replied as he steered Jensen toward the door. “Maybe.”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed. “Maybe.”

 

“You feel sick?” Mikey asked as the cooler night air outside hit them.

 

“Don’t thingso.” The fresh air was reviving enough for him to realize how drunk he was. “Don’ think I can ride.”

 

Mikey laughed. “No shit. J.D.’s got the truck, and you better not puke in it.”

 

“‘m not twelve.”  Suddenly the shiny red door of the Escalade was right in front of him.

 

Mikey swung it open. “All right. Get in there, ya giant baby,” he said.

 

Jensen thought that deserved some kind of retort, but by the time he got settled in the seat and his seatbelt fastened, Mikey had shut the door.

 

J.D. put the truck in gear and let it roll forward a few feet. “Not gonna be sick, are you?”

 

“No,” Jensen said sullenly, but the truck hit a pothole on the way out of the parking lot and his stomach lurched. He fumbled along the door panel for the automatic window button and lowered the window. He took a huge gulp of night air.

 

“You okay?” J.D. asked.

 

“You do this on purpose?” Jensen asked.

 

“What?”

 

“Geh me shitfaced?”

 

“You didn’t need help.”

 

“Why’d you go home‘n get the truck?”

 

“You know for shitfaced, you think pretty well.” There was amusement in J.D.’s voice, but it didn’t mollify Jensen at all.

 

“Thas not an answer.”

 

“Sometimes a man needs a binge to purge himself of all the shit. You looked like you were headed that way. Just thought I’d make it easy on you.”

 

His stomach rolled as the big truck took a corner. “Fuck. Right, easy on me.”

 

“Don’t you throw up in here.”

 

“‘m fine.”

 

“Right.”

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header5_zpsy9whbxcu.png.html)

 

 

 

Jensen couldn’t gauge how long he’d been on his knees, purging his stomach of every ounce of liquid, until there was nothing but dry painful heaves that left him sweating and chilled. He leaned his forehead against the cool porcelain. He heard footsteps and J.D.’s scuffed motorcycle boots came into view.

 

“What are you doing here?” Jensen mumbled.

 

“I live here.”

 

Jensen lifted his head and looked around at the bathroom’s beige walls and brown tile. He was in the bathroom across from his childhood bedroom. “Right. What am I doing here?”

 

“Don’t remember? You didn’t want to go home last night?”

 

Jensen shook his head. Big mistake. It felt like his brain was loose in his skull. He lowered his forehead to the porcelain again.

 

J.D. harrumphed. “One night only. That was the deal.” He set a one hitter on the vanity. “Here. Have a hit. Drink a glass of water and take a couple aspirin. There’s coffee on. I’m headed to work. I’ll come by at lunch and take you to work.”

 

“Yeah. Okay.” Jensen pushed himself away from the toilet and sat back against the tub. “Dad.”

 

J.D. turned in the doorway. “Yeah?”

 

“Do you think I did the right thing? Coming back here, I mean.”

 

J.D. looked thoughtful. “Yeah, I do. This is where you belong, so does Jared.” Jensen knew that tone of voice – the barely concealed anger and underlying threat.

 

“Don’t call him,” Jensen said. “He needs to concentrate on getting better, not on worrying about me. That’s why he wanted me to go in the first place.”

 

“Yeah,” J.D. said. “Right.” He hesitated. “Get cleaned up. I’ll be back at noon.”

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

 

It was Jared’s first day outside with a walker like an old man. He couldn’t help thinking that everyone was looking at him – a giant propelling himself with toothpicks. He cheeks burned with exertion and embarrassment.

 

“How can I be this out of shape?” he asked.

 

“A few weeks in a hospital bed will do that to you,” Matt said. “And you lost a lot of blood. Had major surgery. … There you go. You’re doing great.” He was walking alongside Jared, watching his progress. There was a bench ahead. “We can sit down there for a few minutes.”

 

“I’m okay.”

 

“It’s not a suggestion,” Matt said. “You have to pace yourself.”

 

Jared huffed, but didn’t argue. When they got to the bench, Matt steadied him as he turned and sat down.

 

“It’s awesome to be outside,” Jared said. He turned his face up to the sun.

 

“Yeah, you were getting cabin fever.” Matt grinned.

 

Jared’s cellphone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and frowned before answering. “Hey, J.D. How’s it going?”

 

His father-in-law’s gravelly voice answered. “Felt better and had less. How are you doing, Stretch?”

 

“Progressing. I’m actually outside.”

 

“Good.” Silence stretched until Jared squirmed.

 

“Is something wrong, J.D.? Is Jensen all right?”

 

“See now, I don’t think you should need to be asking me that.”

 

“Look, J.D….”

 

“Let me stop you right there,” the man growled. “My kid has been there for you every step of the fucking way. His loyalty to you hasn’t faltered. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t give a shit. Three years ago I let you into his life, my life, gave you a job, and you made a commitment. So, I suggest to you that you think real hard about whatever the hell’s going on with you right now. Then get your ass back home and deal with your responsibilities. Got it?”

 

“Yes.” Jared turned his face away from Matt and looked out over the brightly colored flowers surrounded by a brick fence.

 

“Good. And since you asked, Jensen’s fine or will be once the hangover passes.” There was an ugly undertone in J.D.’s voice then. “He tied one on. Told me all about that pretty therapist.”

 

“He what?” Jared sat up straight.

 

“Nothing going on there?”

 

“No, of course not.”

 

“Good.”

 

The line went dead, and Jared stared at his phone.

 

“Everything okay?” Matt asked.

 

“Yeah,” Jared said. “Yeah, just my, Jensen’s dad. My boss. Felt the need to chew me a new one.” His heart was pounding.

 

Matt looked puzzled. “Tough guy?”

 

Jared’s chuckle was humorless. “You could say that. He’s…” Jared found himself unable to say a word about what J.D. was or what he did. “Yeah, he’s tough. Jensen got in a bar fight the other night. He’s gone back to Illinois, and J.D.’s on a tear.”

 

“That explains it,” Matt said.

 

“What?”

 

“I saw Jensen as I came in,” he said. “Black eye and looking like he’d been kicked in the gut.”

 

“You didn’t mention it.”

 

“It’s really none of my business,” Matt said.

 

“No. I mean, not like we’re friends or anything,” Jared said.

 

“No.” Matt looked as serious as Jared had ever seen. “Don’t get me wrong. I like you.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I do,” Matt insisted. “Look, there are patients I work with that I don’t like. They’re disagreeable, bad tempered, bigoted shitheads, but it’s my job to work with them. I do like you. I enjoy working with you.”

 

“It’s your job.”

 

“Yes, it’s my job.”

 

“So if I had two good legs, and you and I met in a bar…” Jared raised his eyebrows questioningly.

 

“Legs are immaterial to the discussion,” Matt said. “If you and I met in a bar, and you weren’t crazy in love with a green-eyed biker, I’d let you buy me a beer.”

 

“So, it’s about Jensen.”

 

Matt shook his head and smiled. “It’s about everything. I don’t date patients, Jared. Look, you don’t want to think beyond this.” He looked down at Jared’s leg. “Or what it’s going to be like to integrate it into your life back home. But in a couple of weeks, you’ll be done here and you’ll go back to your life – to Illinois and Jensen and your job there. But this, here with me, is a break from your real life. I don’t have a part in that life.”

 

Jared shut his eyes to hold back the tears that suddenly threatened. He nodded. He opened his eyes and blinked. “Yeah, you’re right.” He glanced up at Matt who was smiling. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. It happens.”

 

“I don’t know what happened,” Jared said. “I do love him, you know, but…He thinks I blame him because he got me into motorcycles. I don’t think that’s it. I just…I don’t know.”

 

“Jared, a person’s self-worth is tied to their body,” Matt said. “You’ve lost a part of that. It’s bound to affect how you see yourself, maybe how you think Jensen sees you?”

 

“Maybe,” he said. “Yeah. Maybe so. I don’t know…” Jared put his head back and watched a fluffy cloud float overhead. “We were on our way to my parents’ in San Antonio. I was anxious about it. They’d never met Jensen. Didn’t even know how old he is.” He let out a laugh and grinned at Matt. “Hell, my mama didn’t even know I had a tattoo.”

 

“But you were out. They knew that?”

 

“Yeah, sure, but…I almost feel like this accident was God’s way of making me face the choices I made five years ago. Does that sound crazy?”

 

“No,” Matt said. “I hear similar sentiments from people who’ve had life changing experiences like this. The thing is that you can’t go back and change those choices.”

 

“No, I know,” Jared said.

 

“Do you want to?”

 

“No.” Jared thought of a boy, a lying, scheming boy, who’d wanted him so badly, he’d offered himself like sweet, ripe fruit, and Jared had fallen like a fly in a honey pot, lust-drunk and stupid. That wasn’t who Jensen was now, five years later, and it wasn’t him. They’d built a life, businesses, a marriage – a partnership. _What did I think Jen was so upset about?_ Jared looked up at Matt. “No, I wouldn’t change those decisions for the world.”

 

“There you go, man.”

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

 

 

Jensen had done as instructed. J.D. had taught him how to deal with hangovers years ago – through example before need. He’d taken a couple good hits off the one-hitter, and the nausea had subsided. He drank the water and took the aspirin. Coffee, along with a couple microwaved sausage biscuits from the freezer, had given him some momentum. He sat at the chipped faux wood-grain table that he’d eaten thousands of meals at as a kid.

 

J.D. hadn’t changed much in the house since Jensen had moved out. He’d gotten a bigger flat-screen TV and a new lamp by his recliner, but the same old avocado-colored refrigerator hummed in the kitchen and would until it died. J.D. wasn’t stupid. He knew how to fly under the radar. The familiar surroundings were comforting, and Jensen dragged his feet about going home.

 

Much as he didn’t care to face the empty house he’d shared with Jared, Jensen forced himself to walk the forty or so feet to the pool fence. He couldn’t help thinking of those first heady days after he’d met Jared and the times he hopped that very fence with the hopes of the older guy taking the bait.

 

The air was cool. The first chill of fall was in the air as he flipped the latch set up high on the back gate and let himself into the backyard. A couple leaves floated on the surface of the pool. Some had already sunk to the bottom. They’d been away longer than they’d planned. Too long. Two lounge chairs sat side by side. He could almost feel the heat of the sun, smell the chlorine and suntan lotion. Water droplets glistened like crystals on Jared’s tawny skin. Then, Jared had smiled, brilliant, outshining the sun, and Jensen had gone all melty on the inside and embarrassingly hard elsewhere.

 

Leaves rattled in the breeze as though protesting the overcast sky. Jensen let himself in the backdoor to the garage and went through to the laundry room and kitchen. The air was stale, and it was entirely too quiet. He flipped the overhead light on and went into the attached family room where he dropped his iPod in the dock on the stereo and hit shuffle. The soaring guitar of Eric Lifeson followed him from the room.

 

He walked down the dimly lit hallway to the bedroom where the bed was neatly made, the closet doors closed. Not a thing was out of place. It was much as it had been the first night he’d crawled uninvited onto Jared’s bed and wantonly offered himself. Jared had balanced there in the doorway like a man about to throw himself to his own destruction and wanting nothing more than to drown in Jensen.

 

Jensen let out a shuddering breath and began grabbing clean clothes. He let underwear spill out onto the floor and left the closet doors gaping wide open. A shower would change his outlook or, at the least, make him feel human again. He switched the armful of clothes from his right to his left when his phone vibrated in the pocket of his jeans. Assuming it was J.D., he thumbed it on without looking at the display.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hey, Jen.”

 

Jensen dropped his armload of clothes onto the bathroom vanity, glanced at his reflection in the mirror, and looked away. His throat was tight and he couldn’t think of a thing to say that wouldn’t be hurtful. He walked back down the hallway to the kitchen.

 

“You there?” Jared asked.

 

“Yeah.” He took a beer out of the fridge and popped the top.

 

“Listen, I…I miss you.”

 

“Right.”

 

There was a pause.  “Matt is just my physical therapist. You know that, don’t you?”

 

Jensen put the beer bottle against his forehead and let out a sigh. “Do I?”

 

“What?! Of course! How could you…”

 

“What was I supposed to think seeing the two of you…”

 

“Seeing us what?”

 

“Together, and you wanting me gone.”

 

“That’s not how it was!”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said with as little inflection as he could manage.

 

The knot of pain that had subsided earlier began to grow behind his right eye. He grabbed a one-hitter and lighter from the junk drawer. There wasn’t much more than a couple hits left, but he packed the pipe and lit it.

 

“What are you doing?” Jared asked.

 

“Getting high,” Jensen said. “Headache’s coming back.”

 

“Jensen, for fuck’s sake…”

 

“Save it, okay? You wanted me to leave. I left.”

 

“Jensen…”

 

A horn sounded outside. “That’ll be J.D. I gotta get to the shop.”

 

“Jensen, wait…”

 

“Just, you know, focus on your therapy. Get better.”

 

He heard Jared say, “Call me tonight,” as he thumbed the phone off. He scrubbed at his eyes and texted J.D. to say to give him a few a minutes. He stripped out of his dirty clothes and took a quick shower. After toweling off, he got dressed and brushed his teeth. He ran his fingers through his hair and didn’t even consider shaving.

 

He pulled on his boots and ran out to J.D.’s truck. A few huge drops of rain hit the windshield as J.D. put the truck in reverse. He was frowning over the wait, but Jensen didn’t give him time to complain.

 

“You call Jared?”

 

“Yeah, I did.” J.D. kept his eyes on the road. “He needed to get straightened out.” Rain began to pepper down on the hood of the truck.

 

“I told you not to.”

 

J.D. side-eyed him. “You’re not the boss of me.”

 

“Yeah, well, in the future, mind your own fucking business.”

 

“You are my business.”

 

“Just stay out of it.”

 

“Fine.”

 

Jensen stared out the side window. The rain made a watercolor painting of miles of golden soy, a lone silo and maple tree that were all that was left of a family farm.

 

“Fine,” Jensen repeated.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

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[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

 

 

Jensen’s hangover held on as a dull ache behind his eyes. The rainy weather did nothing to raise his spirits, and the shop had been closed so long, he had no walk-in business.

 

He spent the morning getting into QuickBooks and figuring out how to run reports. He realized how foolish he’d been for putting Jared off when Jared had wanted to show him the basics.

 

At four o’clock, the bell dinged over the front door, and through the window, he saw Mikey come in and look around. “Hey! J.R., you here?” He crossed on over to the office door and looked in. “Hey, thought you might be hungry.” He held out a McDonald’s bag. “Quarter Pounder with cheese.”

 

Jensen raised his brows questioningly. “Pickles?”

 

The older guy chuckled. “Course not.” He set the bag on the desk along with a large Styrofoam cup.

 

Jensen pulled the bag toward him and looked inside. Greasy steam wafted out and he tore the bag down the side to get to the golden fries inside.

 

Mikey leaned a shoulder against the door frame and scratched at his sandy beard. “So how’s it going?”

 

Jensen shook his head and answered around mouthful of fries. “Sucks.” He swallowed and took a sip of Coke. “I hate this financial shit.”

 

“Yeah, I’m no good with numbers either.” He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

 

“Yeah well, I’m going to have to do some radio and newspaper ads to let folks know the place is open again.” He opened the Quarter Pounder’s box and peeled back the top bun to check for pickles just in case.

 

“I told ‘em no pickles.”

 

“I don’t doubt you, man, but they screw up often as not.” Satisfied, Jensen took a bite of the sandwich.

 

“So you hear from Jared?”

 

Jensen chewed and glared.

 

Mikey shifted from one foot to the other. “Just wonderin’ how he’s doin.’”

 

Jensen shrugged and kept eating.

 

“Okay, well…” Mikey sighed. “I better get going.” He turned and started out of the office.

 

“Hey, man…”

 

Mikey turned around. “Yeah?”

 

“Thanks for the food and…just, you know…”

 

Mikey was sort of anomaly in the group that orbited around J.D. Heavy set and mild mannered, Mikey was somewhere between J.D. and Jensen’s age. While he’d always seemed old to Jensen, Jensen now realized that Mikey had been young when he’d started working for J.D. All these years, he’d been the one who made sure Jensen got fed and listened to his complaints and heartbreaks without ribbing or scorn. He’d let Jensen follow him around like a kid brother.

 

“You’re a good kid, _guy_ ,” Mikey corrected. “You’re a good guy, J.R. Don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t.”

 

“Am I?” Jensen licked salt off his fingers. He thought of all the lying and conniving he’d done in his life, hell, just to get Jared.

 

“You remember Mr. Square?”

 

Jensen smirked. The guys at the shop had all called Jared “Mr. Square” when he’d first moved in next door to J.D. “Yeah, I remember.”

 

“You think straight as an arrow Jared would have fallen for you, if you were so bad?”

 

“That’s exactly why he fell for me, Mikey.” Jensen pushed his food away. “He had no defenses for my kind of bad.” Jensen gave Mikey that look, the look that virtually everyone from school teachers to ER nurses fell for.

 

Mikey shook his head. “No. Listen, I’ve seen a lot of shit. Women trapping men. Men charming the panties off women. But watching the two of you? It wasn’t like that. You know I’m right.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Yes you do.” Mikey smiled. “Eat your dinner.”

 

“Yes, Mom.”

 

“Later, man.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jensen sat staring at his half eaten sandwich till the doorbell rang as Mikey went out. Then, he wrapped the food up and took it to the outside trash can so it wouldn’t stink up the office.

 

He went into his workspace, cranked up System of a Down, perched on his work stool, and proceeded to ink a new tattoo on his arm just above the star of Texas – a skull and crossbones just like on an old-fashioned bottle of poison.

 

 

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**October 2013**

Time dragged. Jared couldn’t get over how long the days were without his family, without Jensen, with nowhere to go. Physical therapy could only take up so much time. His body needed a lot of sleep to recover, but still…he watched re-runs of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Trek: Next Generation_ , and endless animal programs. He tried sitcoms. Laughter is the best medicine, he figured, but nothing seemed funny.

 

His mother called every day, and they talked about mundane things. She quit asking about Jensen after Jared told her to quit asking or stop calling.

 

“Does this have anything to do with your brother?” she asked.

 

“What? Who? Jeremy?”

 

“Yes.” There was that tone in her voice, that _don’t lie to me_  tone.

 

“No.” Jared’s finger itched to turn the sound up on the TV and drown out the world.

 

“I’m not stupid,” she said. “There’s something…”

 

“Mom, please.” He was so tired. “Just don’t, please.”

 

“Okay, okay.” She sounded as tired as he was. “I’m just concerned.”

 

“I know.”

 

She hadn’t asked about Jensen again or brought up Jeremy. Why she thought there was a connection, he couldn’t imagine. He wanted to forget all about it.

 

Brittany called every couple of days and talked about starting classes. She was beginning her senior year of college. He was reminded that his little sister was the same age as his husband. He sometimes felt like he was living between two worlds. He rubbed his eyes. Illinois felt far away.

 

He wanted nothing more than to feel Jensen solid in his arms and hear that whiskey warm voice in his ear. He didn’t call. He was too afraid he’d beg Jensen to come back to Dallas and Jensen would say no.

 

Once. Once Jensen had called while Jared was in PT. The voicemail was a pause and then, “Hey, I, I hope you’re doing better so…I, um, take care, okay?”

 

It was the only the time that Jared had cried. If he hadn’t known the voice so well, he’d have thought it was someone else. He could hardly blame Jensen, he thought. He’d told him to leave.

 

And Matt was being a professional – friendly, not a friend.

 

Jared felt like an unmoored boat at the mercy of the wind and the tide. He’d made his choices, cut the ties, drifted from the pier; hell, from the harbor. He suspected he was foundering but couldn’t bring himself to send up a distress signal.

 

And then, two days before he was scheduled to leave the rehabilitation center, his dad showed up out of the blue. He looked old, stoop shouldered and beat down.

 

“Dad, hey, what is it?” Jared asked half rising from the chair where he’d been pretending to read. “What’s wrong? Is it Mom?”

 

“No, no,” Ed replied and waving Jared back into his seat. He sat down on the edge of the bed. “Your mother is…It’s Jeremy. He’s been arrested.”

 

“Arrested?” he asked, but of course he knew. “For what?”

 

“Murder,” Ed said. “The death of the trucker, Munson.”

 

“Jesus, it’s because of me.”

 

“Your brother is responsible for his behavior,” Ed said with little energy. “It’s not your fault.”

 

But if I hadn’t been where I was, Jared thought. If I hadn’t been on that bike. Jesus, I’m starting to think like Jensen.

 

“I know, Dad,” he agreed. “It’s just…”

 

Ed nodded. “Anyway, I didn’t want you to hear the news over the phone, and…”

 

“What?”

 

“I got to talk to your brother alone for a moment. He said to tell you that he wouldn’t implicate Jensen.”

 

Jared felt like all the air had been sucked from the room.

 

“What did he mean by that?” Ed asked.

 

“Fucking Jeremy.” Jared didn’t know whether to laugh or punch something.

 

“I thought Jensen was with you that whole night. That’s what you both told the police.”

 

“He was,” Jared said. “Of course he was. Jeremy is just trying to stir shit like he always does.”

 

“Jared.”

 

“Come on, you know Jeremy as well as I do. Remember the time Jeremy broke the kitchen window and blamed me?”

 

“That’s kids’ stuff. We’re talking about murder here.”

 

“He’s not a kid anymore,” Jared said. “Jeremy has had issues with me being gay from the time he found out. Let me ask you something. Have Jeremy and Jensen had words?”

 

Ed nodded.

 

“There you go,” Jared said. He watched his father’s face for a moment. “How did the cops catch on to Jeremy anyway?”

 

Ed scratched the back of his neck. “Before Munson and his friends showed up, your brother had bought drinks in the bar with his credit card.”

 

“Fucking idiot,” Jared said. “But that’s circumstantial.”

 

“It sent up a flag. Cops fingerprinted him and they matched partials from the scene.”

 

“But murder?”

 

“They’ll plea it down, but it doesn’t change the fact that your brother killed the guy. He’s going to jail, probably for a long time.”

 

“Yeah.” Jared’s mind was going a mile a minute, and he rolled his magazine into a tighter tube. _Jesus, Jeremy has a wife and kids._

 

“I’m sorry to add this to your troubles,” Ed said.

 

“No, it’s okay.” Jared shook his head. “I’m going home with you.” He reached for his prosthetic leg.

 

“You aren’t done here.”

 

“I’ve just got a couple days,” Jared said as he pulled the sock over his stump. He knew his father must be staring, but he didn’t look up. “I need to be home right now. Mom…” He glanced up at his father, and then set back to his task. “Mom needs to know I’m all right.”

 

 

 

 

 

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Jensen was spending a lot of time at the shop. Ads on the local radio station had regulars stopping by – some to say hi, some to talk and plan, a few to get inked – and had brought in a couple walk-ins. He hoped in the end they’d be worth the cost. He missed having Jared there to talk the decision over with.

 

He wasn’t expecting more business on a Tuesday evening and cracked open a beer as he cleaned up from the last customer. He was filing patterns when the doorbell chimed. It was a woman, alone. That in itself was unusual. Women rarely came to the shop by themselves; almost always with husband or boyfriend or occasionally with one or more female friends.

 

She didn’t acknowledge him. She went straight to the wall of designs and began looking them over. It gave him the opportunity to study her – jeans and beat up cowboy boots, denim jacket over a peasant blouse. She was curvy, not heavy, but the curves of a mature woman. Her curly blonde hair was faded and frosted with gray.

 

She began to page through a three-ring binder of photos of Jensen’s work. She paused on a page and looked over at him.

 

“Are these yours?”

 

“Yeah,” he answered. “My shop. They’re all my work.”

 

She turned her attention back to the book. “They’re beautiful.”

 

“Thanks,” he said. He set the beer down. “Are you looking for a particular design?”

 

She closed the binder and faced him. “I am. Ruby slippers.”

 

“Wizard of Oz, right. I can do that.”

 

“You can?” She looked dubious.

 

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“Sure.” Jensen opened his laptop on the counter and Googled images of Ruby Slippers from the movie. When he found one he liked, he enlarged it, grabbed a piece of tracing paper and began drawing.

 

She stood on the other side of the counter and watched him. “Do you always do that? Draw your own that way?”

 

He glanced up. “Yeah, mostly. I mean, it’s art, you know?” He shrugged. “This is just an outline, but with color I can make them look sparkly like in the film.”

 

“I want it to say, ‘There’s no place like home,’” she said. She tipped her head to the side and gave him a questioning look.

 

He looked up into her green eyes. “Sure, I can do that on a ribbon like this.” He drew a flowing ribbon above and below the image with script letters along the blue span.

 

“I like that,” she said. “How much?”

 

“Where do you want it?”

 

She shrugged off her jacket. He couldn’t help but notice the freckles between her breasts. She pushed her shirt sleeve up. He could make out the bottom edge of a red rose on her shoulder. “Here,” she said and pointed just below the rose.

 

Jensen considered quickly the colors, time, design, location. “$250.”

 

She blinked.

 

“Or…”

 

“That’s fair,” she said and held out her hand for a shake.

 

He took her hand. “It’s Jensen, by the way.”

 

She smiled. “That’s a nice name,” she said. “You can call me Dorothy.”

 

Jensen couldn’t help smiling. “All right. Take a seat, Dorothy.”

 

He pulled on a pair of nitrile gloves and pushed his work stool toward the chair she was lying back on. “So are you wishing to go home or glad to be home?”

 

“Just home,” she said. “It’s been a long a time.”

 

“Yeah?” He wiped down her arm with alcohol. “You grow up here?”

 

She pulled her hair over her left shoulder so it would be out of his way. “I did as much as anywhere. I went to high school here.”

 

“No kidding?” He pressed the stencil onto her arm. “Maybe you knew my dad in school? J.D. Morgan?” He glanced up at her face and watched her brow knit.

 

“Jeff Morgan?” she asked. Her green gaze met his.

 

Jensen couldn’t help grinning. “Jeff? Really? He was called Jeff?”

 

“Why is that funny?” she asked.

 

Jensen shook his head. “Just never heard him called that is all.”

 

She rested her head back and looked up at the ceiling. “I didn’t know him well.”

 

Jensen took up his tattoo gun to begin inking the black outline. “No? It’s such a small school, everyone knows everyone too well in my experience.”

 

“There’s a difference between people knowing each other’s business and actually knowing each other,” she observed.

 

Jensen raised a brow at her. “Isn’t that the truth?”

 

“Not a fan of high school?”

 

“Not hardly.” He focused on the point where his needle met her skin, let his intent flow down his arm into his fingers.

 

“I would have thought you’d have been pretty popular,” she said.

 

The needle followed the tracing path around the curve of the toe of the shoe. “Why would you say that?” he asked.

 

“You must have caught the eye of every girl in school.” He didn’t look up to see her smile, but he heard it in her voice.

 

“Not interested.” He swiped the ink from her skin and inspected his work.

 

“Oh? … _Oh_ ,” she said.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said as he leaned back in with the needle. They were both quiet for a while as he completed the outline, changed to red ink and began filling in the color on the slippers.

 

“So what made you stay in little ole Springdale?” she asked.

 

“I met someone,” he answered. “My partner.”

 

“So, you did meet someone in school?” she said.

 

“No.” He pursed his lips as he created the sparkle effect on the glittery shoes. He swiped away the ink again and squinted. “He was older. Moved in next door.”

 

“Cradle robber.”

 

He raised his head then and met her eye. She cocked a perfect eyebrow at him. “Yeah,” he said, “that seems to be the consensus.”

 

He continued an uneven stippling with the red ink and complete control, but the tension that had started in his jaw, was working its way into his shoulders. He finished with the red ink and rolled his shoulders. He tilted his head to stretch his neck.

 

“You need a massage,” she said. “Working bent over like that. Nothing like a good massage.”

 

“Yeah, well…” Jensen couldn’t help looking over at the one-way glass that Jared usually worked behind. “I have my own personal masseur, usually.”

 

“Oh, nice. Not in today?”

 

“No.” Jensen began to work with blue on the ribbon banner. “He’s…” Jensen blinked but couldn’t focus his eyes.

 

“He’s what, honey?” The banter was gone from her voice.

 

“He’s, uh…” Jensen cleared his throat. “He’s on a trip visiting his family.” He started inking again.

 

“Okay, you don’t have to talk about it.”

 

He nodded, and the sound of the needle filled the space between them for some time.

 

“When I was young, I fell in love with this guy,” she said. “Love at first sight, you know? I was mad about him. This wasn’t some _schoolgirl doodling on my notebook_  crush. It was…passion. He felt the same too. My parents thought he was a loser. His parents didn’t care much for me either, but it didn’t matter. We were together. Crazy in love. Happy.”

 

Again, the buzz of the needle took up space.

 

“What happened?” Jensen asked automatically. It’s not like he hadn’t heard his share of failed love stories. Tattoo artists were right up there with bartenders and priests for hearing personal confessions, he figured.

 

“Life,” she said. “Time. Things change.”

 

“He wasn’t who you thought he was?”

 

“I wasn’t who I needed me to be, and he...wasn’t a knight on a white horse. That’s not how the world works. Not for anyone.”

 

Jensen wiped the ink away and touched up the blue, evening out and making it look like a glistening band of satin.

 

“I don’t know how it happens,” she said. “You just wake up and everything has changed.”

 

Jensen rolled his stool away. “It’s not like that.”

 

She frowned. “I wasn’t talking about you and your guy, honey,” she said.

 

Jensen bit his lip and set the needle and ink down. He began prepping a bandage.

 

“I was just up in your business, being all nosey,” she said. “I guess I felt like I should share.”

 

Jensen nodded and held up a mirror for her to see her tattoo. “Oh that’s beautiful!” She beamed. “I definitely came to the right place.”

 

“Good, glad you like it.” Jensen sprayed the tattoo with antiseptic as required under state law and taped gauze over it. “Wash it gently. Keep it moisturized. Don’t pick at it. Minimizing sun exposure will help prevent fading.”

 

“I know the routine,” she said. She sat up and swung her legs around so they dangled over the side of the chair.

 

Jensen pulled his gloves off and tossed them in the trash before going to the counter to ring up her sale. “$235,” he said.

 

“You said, $250.” She took wad of cash from her fringed shoulder bag.

 

“That was an estimate,” he said.

 

She counted out two fifties, seven twenties and a ten. “Consider it a tip.”

 

“Thank you, Dorothy,” he said.

 

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” She swung her bag over her shoulder. “By the way, ‘no place like home’ – isn’t always like in the movies.” She walked to the door with her faded blonde hair swinging down her back. Just as she reached out to open the door, it swung open. She tipped her head down as she stepped back to let another woman in.

 

“Sam,” Jensen said. He hadn’t seen her in some time, but she hadn’t changed much. She seemed to have aged early and stayed at mid-40s for years. Jensen looked from her to the door and back. “Hey, did you know that woman who just left?”

 

Samantha glanced back at the door. “Didn’t pay her any mind. Why? What’s her name?”

 

“Dorothy something?”

 

Samantha shook her head. “I don’t know any Dorothys.”

 

“No? She said she went to school with J.D. so she would have gone to school with you too, right?”

 

“Sure, but Dorothy…no, sorry.”

 

“That’s strange.”

 

Samantha smiled. “Well, I am getting up there in years and they say the memory is the first thing to go.”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes. “You aren’t that old.”

 

“Aren’t you sweet?”

 

Jensen cleared his throat. “Sam, did you know my mom?”

 

Samantha took a deep breath. “Not really, no. She was a couple years younger. You know how that is. Kids stick mostly to their own grade level for friends.”

 

Jensen nodded. “Yeah. So, what about her family? Other kids? Any of ‘em still around?”

 

“She was an only child as far as I know,” Samantha said. “I don’t know about her parents. They lived out on Deleo Road – out there at the edge of the woods. There’s a broken down old farm.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I think I know the place. I’ve ridden by there.”

 

“Then you know it looks like it hasn’t been lived in for ages. Even back then, it looked that way so I don’t know if they’re still there or not.”

 

Jensen drained the beer bottle and tossed it into the trash. “Dad said that she came back here after…” He swallowed the lump in this throat. “After everything.”

 

There was a pause before she spoke. “I don’t know what you want me to say, J.R.?”

 

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “I guess I want to understand.”

 

“Your mom wasn’t a biker chick. She was more of a free spirit hippie kind of girl. She was lovely, what I knew of her, but she didn’t hang out with the club – especially after you came along. Talk to your dad.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen felt a weird sinking feeling of disappointment. He turned and opened the mini-fridge under the counter. “Beer?”

 

“No thanks,” she said. “J.R., honey, how are you?”

 

He leaned against the counter and opened the beer. “I’m good,” he said with a shrug.

 

“Liar.” She put her hands on the counter and leaned on them. “How’s Jared?”

 

“He’s doing rehab in Dallas.”

 

“I didn’t ask you what he was doing or where,” she said. “When’s the last time you talked to him?”

 

“J.D. send you here to interrogate me?”

 

“Don’t change the subject,” she said. “When’s the last time you talked to him?”

 

“A few days?”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t…” Jensen turned his back on her and began cleaning up his workspace. “I don’t know if he wants me calling. He hasn’t called me.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“What?” Jensen faced her.

 

“Do you?”

 

“Of course, I do.”

 

She nodded. “Let me ask you something, J.R. What would 16-year-old you do?”

 

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “He’d go to Texas and lure Jared back.”

 

“So, why don’t you?”

 

“Honestly, I don’t know if he wants to come back, Sam.”

 

“So ask him.”

 

Jensen shook his head. “I don’t know…”

 

“Okay,” Sam said and picked up her purse from the counter.

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yep. I can’t make you do anything, but let me give you some advice.” She tossed her hair back over her shoulder. “You better make sure he knows he has a home to come home to and how much you want him in it. Understand?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“All right then.” She started for the door and then paused. “And, J.R., you need to let her go.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Your mom.”

 

“How do I do that?”

 

“I wish I could tell you, but that’s for you to work out.” She walked around the end of the counter and wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her tight, remembering that funeral so many years ago and how she’d rested her chin on the top of his head. Now, he could do that to her. She still smelled the same – Camels and Shalimar.

 

She leaned back and looked up with a smile. “You’ve grown into a good man, J.R.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “I keep hearing that.”

 

“You have, and you deserve Jared.”

 

“Thanks, Sam.”

 

“Don’t mention it, kid.” She patted his arm and strode to the door. The little bell dinged as she went out. Jensen looked down at the healing tattoo on his left arm.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

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“Here, just let me help you,” Cathy said. She hovered beside Jared with a pillow as he lowered himself into his father’s recliner.

 

“Mama, stop,” Jared said.

 

“I think you need…”

 

“Seriously,” he said. “Do you treat your patients like this at the hospital?”

 

She put her shoulders back and huffed. “You are not a patient.”

 

“I know!” He put his hand up like a traffic cop. “I know, but please, don’t fuss.”

 

She sat down on a nearby ottoman like her strings were cut. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“Yeah, me too,” Jared said, “but not if you’re going to wear yourself out fussing over me. You’ve got enough on your plate. I’m not helpless, and I’m supposed to be rehabilitating right now, you know? Doing for myself. Integrating.”

 

She nodded and gave him a thin smile. “I know you’re right. It’s just that I have so much nervous energy.”

 

“Jeremy.”

 

“And Jensen,” she added.

 

“What?”

 

“And you.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“Mothers worry,” she said.

 

“I’m fine,” Jared said. “I mean…”

 

“Are you? Because you made Jensen go back to Illinois and you won’t talk about him.”

 

“I guess…it’s safe to say the honeymoon is over,” Jared conceded, “but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to work things out, you know? The last thing we need is Jeremy trying to implicate Jensen by promising not implicate him.”

 

“Jared, your brother is facing prison!”

 

“I know, I know, but Mama, Jeremy has spent his life blaming his problems on other people when it’s his own doing. I mean, why would he mention that to Dad if he wasn’t trying to cause trouble?”

 

She sighed and her shoulders sagged. “You boys never got along. You hated being the youngest.”

 

“It wasn’t just me, Mama,” Jared said. “I know he’s your child and you love him. Hell, he’s my brother. I love him too. But you have to know there’s something not right about Jeremy.”

 

Her fingers toyed with the piping along the edge of the ottoman. “We tried,” she said. “Your dad and I talked till we were blue in the face. We laid awake wondering and worrying. We tried talking to him, disciplining him, punishing him, but ...”

 

“Nothing got through to him,” Jared said. “I know.”

 

Her smile was weak as winter sun through the clouds. “The two of you were always so different. You were such a happy agreeable baby. Slept through the night almost from the start, but too busy for naps.”

 

Jared smiled. “I remember. You wanted me to nap during Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

 

“That’s right,” she said. “I remember hoping that some of your sunny nature would rub off on your brother.” She frowned. “That wasn’t fair.”

 

“Well, it didn’t work,” he said.

 

“No, if anything, he seemed to resent it,” she said. “I remember how ‘keep away’ was one of his favorite games when you were little. I had to forbid it.”

 

“Yeah well, he made up other games,” Jared said.

 

She eyed him as though waiting for him to continue and when he didn’t, she said, “I’m sorry. I thought he’d grow out of it.”

 

Jared shrugged. “You couldn’t watch us every minute. Look, Mama, siblings fight. That’s natural, and I’m sure that’s what you and Dad thought it was. And it probably was mostly. It wasn’t 24/7 torment, but it was enough and not just me but kids at school too. Jeremy was a bully.”

 

She stared at the toes of her sneakers. “We failed you, both of you.”

 

“No!”

 

“No, we did, honey. We both worked, and when we weren’t working, there was a lawn to mow and groceries to shop for and clothes to wash. We didn’t pay attention the way we should have. We didn’t _see_.”

 

Jared chuckled.

 

“What?” she asked.

 

“Just thinking about J.D.,” Jared said. “The first time I met him. I still can’t believe he didn’t whoop my ass, but I remember him saying, ‘I know my kid.’ And he did. Does. Whatever else you say about J.D., he was an involved parent.” Jared smirked.

 

“We’ve never talked about that,” she said.

 

“What? How disappointed you are in me?”

 

She frowned at his flippant tone. “What happened?”

 

Jared ran the fingers of both hands back through his hair. “God, I don’t know.” He dropped his hands to his lap. “I mean, I know there’s no excuse and that’s what every explanation sounds like. I was an adult. Hell, I had my whole life planned out and I was working the plan. And then…”

 

“And then?”

 

Jared shook his head. “And the rest is excuses. The rest is Jensen deciding he…he wanted me and he was going to have me. And he did.”

 

“You gave up everything you’d worked for,” she said.

 

“Nothing else was as important as him,” Jared said.

 

“So it was love, not sex?”

 

Jared felt heat rising in his cheeks. “No, Mama, 16-year-old boys are all about sex, but he fell in love with me. And I loved him, yeah, before I knew what hit me. Giving up the plan wasn’t a sacrifice because I had something real to build my life around.”

 

“Him?”

 

“Us. You’ve never seen…” Jared looked at the clock on the mantel. 4 p.m. Jensen would be at the shop.

 

“Seen what, honey?”

 

“We spend every day together,” he said. “I’m in the office and he’s out in the shop dealing with customers. Doing his art. We eat lunch together and go home together. We argue about spending money on new equipment and inks and ads. We kick the guys butts at J.D.’s shop playing basketball. Whatever happens…it’s us.”

 

She smiled and patted his knee. “Good. I’m glad to hear you say that.”

 

Jared’s phone started playing Magic Carpet Ride. “Wait, hang on. It’s Jensen.” He pulled it out and thumbed it on. “Hey, Jen. Hi.”

 

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Cathy whispered and went into the kitchen.

 

“Hey.” Jensen sounded quiet, almost hesitant.

 

“I, um, is everything okay?” Jared asked.

 

“Honestly, no.”

 

Jared’s heart kicked up a beat. “What is it? Are you okay?”

 

“It’s nothing, nothing like that. I, um, I just…I thought you’d be coming home, you know? And I hadn’t heard from you…Are you? Coming home?”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Jared tipped his head back and closed his eyes. The vulnerability in Jensen’s voice seemed to punch a hole right through Jared’s ribcage and into his heart.

 

“You’re supposed to be done with rehab, right?”

 

“Yeah, I’m done, but I’m in San Antonio at Dad and Mama’s right now.” There was a long pause that Jared didn’t know how to break.

 

“Jared, I know things got kind of fucked up, and I’m sorry. I just want you to come home.”

 

“Me too. I want to be with you. And I will.”

 

“There’s something wrong. What is it?”

 

Jared sighed. “Jeremy’s been arrested.” Jared could hear his mother in the kitchen banging pots and pans and opening the refrigerator, but he heard nothing on the other end of the phone. “Jen?”

 

“He’s in jail?”

 

“His arraignment is tomorrow.”

 

“Jesus.”

 

“Yeah well, it makes you feel any better, he swears he won’t implicate you.”

 

“It doesn’t actually,” Jensen said. “I should go to the police and tell the truth.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t.” Jared was pretty sure he heard the sound of lighter being flicked.

 

“I covered up a murder.”

 

“You tried to stop a murder, Jen.” Jared had to fight to keep his voice down.

 

“But I didn’t. What if...what if the guy could have been saved? What if I let him die?” His tone was quieter.

 

Jared nodded to himself. “Can’t quit thinking about it, huh? Me too.” He picked a pen up off the end table and tapped it against the arm of the chair. “What if it had been you? What would I have done?” Jared watched men play golf on the silent TV. “What would your dad have done? The guys in the club?”

 

There was no response on the other end.

 

“Jen, hey.” Jared’s tone became soft. “What if it had been a car with a family? Little kids? I mean, I can’t help but think this is some kind of...”

 

“What, justice?”

 

“No. Maybe.” Jared huffed. “Fate? I mean, what are the chances that Munson would walk into a bar where Jeremy was having a drink?”

 

“You don’t believe that.”

 

Jared tossed the pen down. “Munson ripped our life apart, and I know nothing good would come of you going to jail over this,” Jared said.

 

“We can’t pretend it didn’t happen,” Jensen said. “I should go.”

 

“Wait! I know we can’t just go back to being who and what we were,” Jared said. “Please, Jen. I need you. I do. I don’t want to be without you again. I want to come home and rebuild our life.”

 

Jensen sighed. “Yeah, me too.”

 

“Then swear to me that you’ll wait there for me. Please, don’t do anything rash.”

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

 

Jensen was sure he knew what farm Samantha had been talking about on Deleo Road. There was a ramshackle house that sat back in the trees at the edge of the woods. Behind it were dilapidated out buildings of gray weathered wood. Vines grew through the broken windows and gaping doorways. The general appearance of the place suggested that it was uninhabited, but fresh tracks in the gravel lane indicated otherwise.

 

The sky was low and gray as he rode west out of town, but rain wasn’t forecast. He wasn’t sure what he hoped to find. His grandparents? Memories of his long lost mother? The path to her door?

 

He couldn’t help thinking about the mysterious Dorothy with her green eyes and faded blonde curls. He knew she wasn’t his mom. He’d have known. She’d have let on somehow. And yet, he felt as though he’d brushed up against a ghost.

 

There were a few houses along the road, but they became fewer and farther between until there was nothing but woods. He slowed down as the rusted tin roof of the house came into view. He slowed the bike and realized he should have borrowed J.D.’s truck. But then he’d have had to explain.

 

The lane had become more dirt than gravel. It was rutted and he had to slalom the bike around potholes. He rode around behind the house and stopped beside an old Mercury. It was hard to believe that anyone lived in the house with its peeling siding and swayback roof, but smoke came from the chimney.

 

Jensen took off his helmet and hung it on the bike before heading for the porch. He was negotiating the collapsing steps when the door opened and a woman stuck her head out. She had dingy white hair and watery blue eyes.

 

“Mrs. Ackles?” Jensen asked.

 

“Who are you? What’da you want?” She opened the screen door farther and leaned out. “No, I know you. Yer Jessie’s boy, ain’t ya?”

 

“Jensen, yeah.”

 

“Been waitin’ on ya. Husband always said you’d come one day. Well, you ain’t gonna find nothing about ‘er here,” the woman said. “Her daddy burnt up all ‘er things when she ran off with that no good hooligan.”

 

“That’s my dad,” Jensen said.

 

The old woman scoffed. “Not Morgan, not that he wasn’t trouble. I s’pose he loved her well enough once,” she said. “Nah, the one she met up at the crazy ward.”

 

“So, she left town with a man after she got out of the hospital,” he said.

 

“She did. Took her daddy’s truck and wrapped it around a tree down in Biloxi,” the woman said. Her gnarled fingers rubbed the warn edge of the wooden storm door. “Got nothin’ but a phone call from the sheriff down there.” Her watery blue eyes stared at the porch floor.

 

“How long ago was that?” Jensen asked.

 

The old woman shook her head. “Fifteen or more years ago.”

 

Jensen shook his head.  “You never heard from her again?”

 

“Never hearing from my beautiful girl again,” she said. She looked at Jensen then. “She’s in heaven.”

 

Jensen took a step back. “She’s dead.”

 

The old woman nodded.

 

 _Dead fifteen years._ Jensen’s eyes stung. “Does my father know?”

 

“What’s it to do with him?” She scowled. “Where was he when she was in that horrible place? Or when she come home?”

 

Jensen took another step back and nearly stumbled down the steps.

 

“Get on out of here,” she said and began to weep. “My God, how you look like my Jess.”

 

“Wait, where is she is buried?”

 

“How would I know?” The woman slumped against the door facing. “Her daddy told the man in Mississippi to burn ‘er or bury ‘er. She was nothing to him. What’s she to you?”

 

“She was my mom.”

 

The screen door squeaked shut a little.

 

“She loved me.”

 

“Well then you got the best of ‘er, boy.” The screen door shut and the interior door followed.

 

Jensen backed down the steps, from under the shadow of the porch roof, and a fine mist hit his face. The low gray clouds foretold winter on its way. He walked stiffly to his bike and swung a leg over. His fingers felt thick and clumsy. It took him frustrating moments to get the strap to his helmet fastened. He started the bike and rolled down the potholed drive to the road.

 

Light rain speckled the face shield of his helmet as he looked both ways down the deserted strip of blacktop. Stubbled fields lay to his right. The road used to go through to the state highway but the railroad had closed the crossing and the pavement ended in less than a mile. To his left, trees and tall grass grew up to the edge of the pavement. He turned in that direction and accelerated slowly on the wet blacktop. He hadn’t gone more than fifty feet when a movement caught his eye. A small animal darted out of the tall grass and into the path of the motorcycle.

 

Jensen hit the brake and the back end of the bike began to slew around. He let off the brake and tried to ride the skid, but the bike went down just before stopping. He landed on his left shoulder. It hurt like hell. It wasn’t the first time he’d laid a bike down or gotten road burn. He sat up and yanked at the helmet strap.

 

“Fuck!” He threw the helmet at the prone motorcycle. He rolled his left shoulder and moved his arm. It didn’t feel broken or dislocated. He pushed himself to his feet. He walked toward the bike with every intention of kicking it – as useless and childish as that might be – but sitting in the road on the other side of it was a very damp golden puppy.

 

“Hey,” Jensen said, “what are you trying to do, kill me?”

 

 

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Jared put his weight on his right leg and contemplated the basement stairs. The sound of the TV and voices of his family pressed against his back like a wave. He slipped the unopened beer bottle into the pocket of his cargo pants and grabbed the handrails on each side of the stairs. He kicked the prosthetic left foot outward and bent his right knee to gingerly lower the left foot to the first step. He put his weight on the prosthetic leg and blew out a breath. He put his right foot on the step next to the left.

 

“That’s one,” he mumbled and repeated the process with a death grip on the handrails. About halfway down, he let go with his right hand to swipe the sweat from his forehead before continuing. When he reached the bottom, he wanted to sit down on the steps, but he stood with one hand on the wall for balance a moment.

 

He chuckled. “Okay, I can do that,” he said to the empty room.

 

It looked pretty much as it had when he was growing up. Kids’ toys were piled in the corner – grandkids’ now – but he was sure some had belonged to him and his siblings. The washer and dryer sat under the stairs,and his mom’s sewing area nearby. A ratty plaid sofa and brown recliner dominated the area. A scuffed coffee table sat in front of the sofa that had served as a foot stool for dozens of teens. The biggest difference was the 53-inch flat-screen TV and piles of Disney DVDs.

 

Jared made his way to the sofa, extricated the beer from his pocket, and flopped down. The springs squeaked beneath his weight. The room was lit by just the light over the stairs, and the sound of voices and footsteps were muffled through the floor. Jared twisted the cap off the cheap beer and took a long swallow.

 

“I love them,” he said and tipped his head back. “I do.”

 

He’d forgotten how loud they could all be when they got together. Despite the day’s tension or maybe because of it, they seemed extra loud. In a show of support, most of the adults had gone to Jeremy’s arraignment. He’d been sprung from jail, but it had taken their mom and dad putting their house up as bond.

 

From above, he heard a ring of laughter that bordered on hysteria from a woman, maybe Jeremy’s wife, then the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

 

“Shit,” he said under his breath. He took another long drink. _Should have brought a couple beers down,_ he thought.

 

Jeremy appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Two long-necks dangled from his hand. “Hey, thought I might find you here.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared said.

 

Jeremy ambled over and set one of the beers on the table in front of Jared before sitting in the recliner. Neither said a word for some time. Jared finished his first beer and broke open the second.

 

“I gotta ask you why told Dad you wouldn’t implicate Jensen? Were you just stirring shit?”

 

“No,” Jeremy said. “No, I just wasn’t thinking, I guess. I needed you to know that I wouldn’t cause trouble for him, for both of you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“I’ve fucked everything up,” Jeremy said. He stared at the beer bottle in his hand. “I’ve spent my whole life skating the edge of real trouble, you know? I thought I could get away with anything.” He looked up at Jared. “But I was wrong. You push that long enough and it’ll bite you on the ass.”

 

“Chickens come home to roost,” Jared said.

 

“Yeah, just like Mama always said,” Jeremy replied. “It’s ironic, you know?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I used to think I was better than you. I was wrong. You were the smart one – got along, got the grades, played it safe.”

 

Jared rested his prosthetic foot up on the table. “Maybe not so safe,” he said.

 

Jeremy waved his beer in dismissal. “Motorcycles notwithstanding.”

 

“You know, I’ve been gone five years,” Jared said. “We really don’t know each other anymore.”

 

Jeremy frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

 

“Just sayin’ that I’m not perfect and you’re not a complete fuck up.”

 

Jeremy snorted. “Gee thanks, bro.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/4icon%20_zpsfqvo2qcb.jpg.html)

 

 

Jensen rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He was rubbing his eyes when the smell hit him. His eyes flew open, and there about halfway down the hallway was a steamy pile of puppy shit and a puddle.

 

“Fuck!” He went into the bathroom and got a couple fistfuls of toilet paper. Luckily, the pile was solid and the puddle small. He cleaned the mess up and flushed it down the stool before going to look for the perpetrator. “Puppy! Hey, boy!”

 

Jensen found the pup sitting in by the front door with his head down. He looked up at Jensen and his tail gave a couple tentative wags. Jensen sighed.

 

“You little shit. I guess I should have gotten up earlier, huh? Seems a little late now, don’t you think?”

 

The dog stood and began wagging in earnest. “Okay, okay.” He opened the door, and the pup ran into the yard and began peeing before he came to a stop. “More? Seriously?”

 

When the pup was finished doing his business, he began to sniff around.

 

“Hey! Shithead!” Jensen called, and the pup looked up. “You hungry? Huh? I know I am. Come on. Let’s get some breakfast!” The pup looked around as though not wanting to give up his exploration, but then he ran to Jensen and into the house.

 

“Good boy,” Jensen said as he trailed the pup into the kitchen. He poured some puppy food into the pup’s dish and refilled the water dish when the sound of his cell phone erupted in the bedroom. He hastened to get it. Jared.

 

“Jay, hi!”

 

“Hey, Jen, how’s it going?”

 

“Good, you? How’d it go with Jeremy?” He’d laid awake the night before wondering why Jared hadn’t called and trying to talk himself into picking up the phone.

 

“As well as expected, I guess,” Jared said. “He’s out on bail so yeah.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Jensen walked back to the kitchen and started the coffee maker.

 

“Nothing, I just…I don’t know. Jeremy and I talked last night and it got me thinking.”

 

Jensen leaned back against the counter. His gaze took in the familiar room. How many times had he stood here making coffee while waiting for Jared to get back from a run? “Thinking about what?”

 

“You know I love you.”

 

“Jesus! What…”

 

“Jen! I love you and don’t regret a bit that I chose to be with you.”

 

“Yeah, but?”

 

“Jeremy said something last night about skating the edge of what’s right and thinking that you’ll always get away with it.”

 

“And?” Jensen turned and looked out the kitchen window. Sunshine glinted off the pool. Jared had stood right here and watched him strip and dive into that pool. It had been the beginning of Jensen’s campaign to get Jared, and now…

 

“It’s this deal with your dad. Keeping his books.”

 

“What about it?”

 

“I want out of it. I want us out of it. Anything illegal.”

 

Jensen pushed himself away from the counter. “No.”

 

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

 

“I mean we’re not having a conversation like this on the phone.” Jensen’s voice was rising, and the pup looked up from gobbling down his food. Jensen walked into the adjacent family room where he was confronted with framed photos of Jared’s family. “I can’t believe that you think it’s okay to sit there in Texas and suggest that I what – turn my back on my family? No. You want to have this conversation, get your ass on a fucking plane and say it to my face.” Jensen walked to the patio door. The sun had gone behind the clouds as if a dark filter had been placed over the glass. Instead of sunlight sparkling off the pool, the dreary shadow of winter fell over the landscape.

 

There was a long pause before Jared spoke. “You’re right.” His voice was quiet. “This isn’t a topic for the phone.”

 

Jensen leaned his forehead against the glass.

 

“Jensen?”

 

“Okay. So, we’ll talk when you get here.”

 

“Okay, yeah. I’ll be on the next flight I can catch.”

 

“Let me know your flight and I’ll pick you up.”

 

“I will, and Jen, I’m sorry about springing this on the phone.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen sighed. “Okay, I’ll see you soon, right?”

 

“First flight I can get. I love you, darlin’.”

 

Jensen swallowed the lump in his throat. “Love you too. ‘Bye.”

 

He thumbed his phone off and headed back to the kitchen only to step into a warm puddle. The puppy was nowhere to be seen. “Fuck.” Jensen hobbled to the paper towel dispenser, trying not to track piss across the tile floor. He wiped up the puddle, sprayed the area with cleaner and wiped it up as well. He tossed the soiled paper towels into the nearby trash can and sat back on his heels.

 

He needed to get ready to go to the shop, but all the energy seemed to have drained from him. Rather than pushing himself to his feet, he sat back against the cabinets. He couldn’t imagine carrying out what Jared was asking. His life had always been completely intertwined with the Iron Dogs. He wasn’t even sure how to broach the subject with his dad.

 

He rubbed his hands over his cheeks. Stubble had turned to a beard. _Time to shave_ , he thought. He sighed and rested his face in his hands. The sound of clicking on the tile caused him to look up just before the pup began climbing on him.

 

“Hey you,” Jensen said as the pup crawled into his lap. It wiggled and tried to lick his face. Jensen did his best to fend off the kisses. “Hey boy.” Jensen wrapped his arms around the pup and pressed his face into soft golden fur. He rubbed the pup’s neck and ears and it quieted against his chest. “Good boy. Good dog. Wanna to go to work? Huh?”

 

Jensen reluctantly let go of the pup and rose to his feet. “Gotta get a shower. Come on with me where I can keep an eye on you, you little pisser.” With his tongue lolling from the side of his mouth, the pup trotted along behind Jensen down the hallway to the bathroom.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

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As it turned out, Jared’s flight got in at the same time Jensen had an appointment to work on a tattoo of a dragon on a guy’s back. It was the second of probably four sessions it would take to complete the piece, and he just couldn’t put the guy off. As so often had happened in his life, Mikey stepped in and said he’d pick Jared up at Midway Airport. Jensen was just relieved that it wasn’t J.D. making the run.

 

He was glad that he had something to focus on for most of the time he was waiting for Jared to get home because after the customer left, the anxiety increased. He cleaned up around the shop and made sure he didn’t leave a mess in the office. He walked the pup twice. He’d picked up a puppy play pen at PetSmart for the little guy and gotten him some toys, but the dog preferred chewing up the old blanket Jensen had given him as a bed.

 

Eventually, Jensen took a couple hits off the one-hitter and cracked open a beer while he filed patterns. He was considering closing early and calling Jared to let them know to meet him at the house, when headlights flashed through the window. He went to the door and watched Jared climb from Mikey’s old Ford Bronco. He was using a cane but walking. The sight made Jensen’s chest hurt. Mikey followed with Jared’s duffle bag.

 

Jensen opened the door and stepped back to let Jared in. Mikey handed the bag to Jensen and nodded. “So, I’ll let you two talk,” he said.

 

“Thanks, for picking me up,” Jared said. He was wearing loose cargo pants and a Cowboys jersey. His hair was mashed down under a black beanie, and he was clean shaven again.

 

“No problem, Stretch,” Mikey said. “J.R.” He nodded.

 

“Thanks, man,” Jensen said and let the door close. He turned to Jared. “What did you say to Mikey?”

 

“Nothing.” Jared sat on a tall stool at the counter. He reached out a hand to Jensen who moved closer and took it. “You shaved.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jared cradled Jensen’s face in his hands. His thumbs swept over Jensen’s cheeks. “God, I’ve missed you.” He leaned in and kissed Jensen, and all the anxiety that had been building burned away as the kiss deepened. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and felt reassurance in the solid warmth. _How could I have doubted?_ he thought. Even when the kiss broke, they stood just holding each other.

 

Then a whine came from the other side of the room.

 

“What the hell?” Jared said as his attention was drawn to the puppy pen in the corner. “What’s this?”

 

Jensen stepped away, and Jared rose from the stool. “You got a dog?”

 

Jensen shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s complicated.”

 

“Complicated?” Jared went to the pen and grinned down at the pup, which wagged its tail and jumped against the sides of the pen. “Hey! Hey, little guy.” He glanced back at Jensen. “What’s his name?”

 

“Shithead.”

 

“Shithead?”

 

“Yeah, like…”

 

“The Jerk. Yeah, I get it, but you can’t really call a dog that, you know?” He leaned on the cane and reached to rub the puppy’s ears.

 

“Wait till you get to know him,” Jensen said. “Here.” He bent down, picked the wiggling puppy up, and held him so Jared could pet him.

 

“He’s awesome,” Jared said as the pup tried to climb him and lick his face. He grinned at Jensen and pulled him close so the pup was sandwiched between them. “Thank you, darlin’.” He planted a kiss on Jensen’s temple.

 

Jensen felt more than just the weight of Jared’s arm across his shoulders. “You must be exhausted,” he said.

 

Jared stood up straight but left his hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “A little tired,” he admitted.

 

“Yeah, let me put Shithead back,” Jensen said. Jared dropped his hand, and Jensen put the pup back into the pen. “I’ll just turn off the lights in the office, and we’ll head home.” His eyes swept the shop to make sure there was nothing else he needed to do before he left. “I drove your car so we’d have a way home.”

 

“You drove the Camry? Wow.”

 

“Shut up,” Jensen said over his shoulder as he turned off the office lights. “I did wear shades so no one would recognize me and I parked around the side of the building.” He shot a grin at Jared who smiled back. Jensen turned off all the lights in the shop except the one over the work counter.

 

Jared caught Jensen’s arm as he headed to the puppy pen and pulled him close. “I love you more than anything, you know?”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said, wide-eyed. “Me too.”

 

“It’s why I want us out of the illegal stuff, Jen,” he said.

 

“Jared…”

 

“No listen. I don’t know where all J.D. gets his cash – and I don’t want to – but no doubt some of it is from drugs. All it would take is one of his guys getting caught, just one, and it would get traced back to J.D. and to me, to us. He’d lose his business, and we’d lose this place. We’d lose everything.”

 

Jensen dropped his head and nodded. Jared rubbed Jensen’s arms.

 

“I’d go to jail, and you might too. There’s no guarantee we’d end up in the same jail, you know?” He brought a hand up to Jensen’s shoulder. Fingertips stroked his neck. “We’d lose each other, Jen, and nothing is worth that risk.”

 

Jensen closed his eyes. His throat was so tight he could barely breathe. He nodded and opened his eyes, met Jared’s gaze. “I know you’re not wrong. I just…I don’t know how.”

 

“I’m not asking you to turn your back on your dad or the guys,” Jared said.

 

Jensen sighed and took a step back. “How does that not happen in this scenario, Jay?”

 

“Let me ask you something. Has your dad ever asked you to do anything illegal?”

 

Jensen searched his memory of all the years hanging out with the guys in the club, all the times he’d been steered out of situations and excluded from conversations. He shook his head. “No.”

 

“I think that’s your answer,” Jared said. “He’s always buffered you from the criminal aspects of what he does. He gave me the books to ensure my silence. The need for that is over, and he needs to let me go to protect you.”

 

Jensen nodded. “Okay, but without that income, how are we going to get by? We don’t make enough from the shop alone.”

 

Jared huffed. “I have an education. Remember? I can do work for other people. Hell, I could get my CPA and make a shitload of money.”

 

The pup whined from his pen, and Jensen laughed. “He thought you said his name.”

 

“We are not naming him Shithead,” Jared said.

 

“Too late.” Jensen grinned.

 

“I’m serious,” Jared said. “The subject is not closed. Now, will you take me home before I lay down on the floor and sleep.”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Jensen picked up the dog and Jared slung an arm over Jensen’s shoulders as they headed for the door.

 

“My bag.”

 

“I’ll come back and get it after I get you two in the car.”

 

“’kay.” Jared aimed a messy kiss at the corner of Jensen’s mouth.

 

“Wish you had enough energy for more than a kiss,” Jensen said as they maneuvered through the door.

 

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll take care of you.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Have I ever failed you?”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Nope.”

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/3icon%20_zpsb1mtvcch.jpg.html)

 

 

Jared maneuvered his way into the front seat of the Camry. He didn’t think he’d ever been in the passenger seat before. Jensen rarely rode in it and Jared was sure had never driven it. Jensen handed the pup to him and went back to the shop to get Jared’s bag and lock up. Jared put his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He was about to drift off to sleep when the pup gave him a swipe across the mouth with his tongue.

 

“Oh, ugh!” Jared wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as Jensen got in the car.

 

“What’s up?” Jensen smirked.

 

“Like you don’t know,” Jared said.

 

Jensen laughed. “Told you he’s shithead.”

 

Jared smiled and closed his eyes again as Jensen pulled the car onto the highway. The pup settled down on his lap, Jared didn’t open his eyes till the car was pulling into the garage beside Jensen’s Vulcan.

 

“You still ride that?” he asked as the garage door opener whirred overhead.

 

Jensen didn’t answer for a moment. “You know I do.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared replied. Jensen got out of the car and came around to the passenger side. The pup jumped out when Jensen opened the door, and Jared swung his legs out. Jensen offered his hand and Jared hesitated a moment before taking it. He grasped the roof of the car and put his arm over Jensen’s shoulders to keep from swaying.

 

“It’s been a long day,” he said.

 

“I know,” Jensen said. “But...” He shut the car door and the headed for the door to the kitchen.

 

“But what?”

 

“You’re home now.”

 

“Yeah.” He felt he was leaning too heavily on Jensen as they went up the two steps from the garage into the kitchen, and they had to turn sideways to get through the doorway.

 

“You need to sit?” Jensen asked.

 

“Yeah, but I think I better keep going,” Jared replied. The back of his neck was damp with sweat.

 

“To bed?”

 

“Yeah.” He knew he sounded out of breath and didn’t like it.

 

The two of them side by side in the hallway was a tight squeeze and the doorway was again a challenge. Jensen managed to get him turned around and seated on the bed without collapsing as he knew he would have under his own power. He looked his boy up and down – tall and broad shouldered as he was. Jared sat there grinning.

 

“What?” Jensen asked.

 

“You’ve really grown up,” Jared said.

 

“You just notice?”

 

“Yeah, maybe.” He pulled his jersey off and tossed it on the end of the bed.

 

Jensen nodded. “So, you need help?”

 

Jared sighed. “Probably, but not yet.” He leaned over and pulled up his left pant leg above the knee. He didn’t look up but he knew Jensen was watching as he removed his prosthesis and pushed it just under the edge of the bed where he could reach it in the morning. Then, he lay back on the bed, unbuttoned and lowered the fly on his pants and wiggled them down below his hips.

 

“Can you...”

 

“Yeah,” Jensen replied and pulled the cargo pants the rest of the way off him. “What about your underwear?”

 

Jared nearly always slept naked at home. They both did. But being in the hospital and rehab center, he’d gotten into the habit of wearing underwear at night. He hesitated and then hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his boxer-briefs and wiggled them down to his thighs. Jensen licked his lips as he grabbed them and slipped them downward. The left side came loose first as the fabric got below his knee. He looked Jared in the eye as he caressed Jared’s left knee.

 

“Is it okay if I...”

 

“Yeah, it’s okay,” Jared said.

 

Jensen leaned down and kissed Jared’s knee and then lower. “I know it’s not my fault,” he said, “but I’m still sorry. I still feel...”

 

“What?”

 

“Angry. Scared.”

 

“Yeah, me too,” Jared said. “But you know what? More than anything, I feel lucky.”

 

“Lucky?”

 

“Yeah. More than I have since this happened. I’m alive. And I have you. And we’re going to build a new life together.”

 

“Yeah, with Shithead.” Jensen looked up at Jared with a glint in his eye.

 

Jared burst out laughing. “Yeah. Where is he anyway?”

 

“Probably pissing on the garage floor.” Jensen stood and pulled his shirt off.

 

“You left him in the garage?”

 

“I didn’t want to be interrupted.” Jensen he toed his shoes off and unbuttoned his jeans.

 

Jared’s gaze followed the light trail of hair from Jensen’s navel to the bulge in his boxers. “Is this a seduction?” he asked with a smile.

 

“Too tired?”

 

“I think I can manage to stay awake a few more minutes.”

 

Jensen eyed Jared’s fattening cock. “I think someone can even if you can’t.”

 

Jared held his hand out. “Come here. I don’t want to miss this.”

 

Jensen kicked his jeans off and crawled up over Jared. He leaned down and brushed their lips together. “I love you.” Another light kiss. “I’m so glad you’re home.” Even in the low light, Jared could see Jensen’s eyes glisten with unshed tears.

 

“I’m sorry I ever made you doubt me,” Jared said.

 

Jensen gave a small shake of his head. “Forget it.” He moved swiftly away and grabbed the lube from the nightstand drawer.

 

“Hey, not so fast,” Jared said. “What’s this?” He grabbed Jensen’s left arm and turned it to expose the skull and crossbones.

 

“It’s nothing,” Jensen said. He tried to twist out of Jared’s grasp but was held tight.

 

“It’s not nothing,” Jared said. “What’s this about?”

 

“I had some dark moments,” he said. “That was then. This is now.”

 

“Okay,” Jared said. “Okay, but we’re getting new tattoos soon. Something to show our new start.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen smiled. “Now can we get this show on the road?” Jensen was already squirting some onto his fingers. “You need sleep, and I don’t want to wait.”

 

Jared hadn’t let go of Jensen’s wrist. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

Jensen chuckled. “It’s been a long time since you’ve said that.”

 

“It’s been a long time since we’ve fucked.”

 

“Too long,” Jensen said as he straddled Jared’s hips. He reached behind himself with lubed fingers and his eyelashes fluttered.

 

“Jesus,” Jared cursed, imagining exactly what Jensen was doing.

 

“I need you.” He stroked Jared’s cock with the other hand.  He lifted himself and his hand continued its talented tug and slide till the head of Jared’s cock pressed against the warmth of Jensen’s body. He held Jared’s gaze as his body opened for him and surrounded him hot and tight. Jared grabbed Jensen’s thighs and urged him on till Jensen enveloped him fully. He tipped his head back and his eyes fell shut.

 

“Mm, this feels so right,” Jensen murmured.

 

 _And that was just it, wasn’t it?_ Jared thought. _This is right. Us. Like this._

 

“Yeah, fuck me, Jen.”

 

Jensen opened his eyes and grinned. “You can count on it, darlin’.”

 

Jensen lifted himself, letting Jared’s cock slip almost completely from his body, and missing the contact, Jared grabbed Jensen’s arms and pulled him forward till their lips met. Jensen leaned forward till they were chest to chest. The position restricted Jensen’s movement, but Jared did his best to match Jensen’s undulations with short thrusts of his own. Within seconds, they were in perfect sync.

 

Jensen buried his face against Jared’s neck and moaned. “I missed you. This.”

 

“Us,” Jared said.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Jensen fisted his fingers in Jared’s hair and pulled his head back. Jared groaned. Jensen’s knees were locked around Jared’s sides as he rode him. “You like that, big guy?”

 

There was tension straight from the roots of his hair to his groin. Hair pulling? Seriously? He’d be blushing, if it weren’t so damned hot – if this weren’t his boy being pushy and so fucking amazing. Jensen gave an odd little twist of his hips, and the tension turned to a buzz that had his balls drawing up.

 

“Ah fuck,” he muttered. He grabbed Jensen’s hips and held them still as he thrust deep and spilled his seed into Jensen’s body. He wrapped an arm around Jensen’s waist and held him tight as the aftershocks rocked through him. Then, he fell back limp on the mattress.

 

When Jared opened his eyes, Jensen was looking expectantly at him and he realized that Jensen’s hard cock was trapped between them.

 

“Should I just rub off on you?” Jensen asked with a smirk.

 

“No!” Jared said. “Oh baby, no, come here.” Jared patted Jensen’s ass and urged him upward till Jensen’s cock bobbed over his mouth. Jared wrapped his long fingers around the shaft and guided the head between his lips. He loved the taste of Jensen’s precome and a savored it as he stroked the shaft. Within moments, it hardened and twitched in his hand. His mouth was filled with bitter come, and he swallowed it down.

 

Jensen flopped down onto the bed beside Jared with a loud sigh. Jared turned his head and studied Jensen’s familiar profile from the long lashes to the full lips a small bump on his nose. Jensen side-eyed him. “What?”

 

“It’s good to be home,” Jared said.

 

Jensen turned his head and looked him square in the eye. “Home, huh?”

 

“Yeah, with you.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded. “No place like it.”

 

“Mm,” Jared murmured in agreement and then yawned.

 

Jensen sat up. “You need to get some sleep.”

 

“Yeah,” Jared agreed and swung around to get his head on his pillow. “Ugh.”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Hold on. I’ll get a washcloth.”

 

Jared dozed off while Jensen was gone but was awakened when Jensen began cleaning him up with wet washcloth.

 

“Just like the hospital,” Jared said.

 

Jensen arched a brow at him.

 

“But you are so much hotter than any of the nurses.”

 

“Thanks,” Jensen said as he pulled the sheet up to Jared’s waist. He took the wash cloth into the bathroom.

 

“I’m going to go take care of Shithead. You need anything?”

 

“You can’t name a dog that,” Jared said. He could feel himself being pulled under into sleep.

 

“Keep telling yourself that, baby,” Jensen said and kissed him on the forehead.

 

 

 _So this woman came into the shop. She wanted a Wizard of Oz tattoo and said her name was Dorothy, but something about her..._ Jensen sighed. _She reminded me of my mom. Something in her voice. She used to sing, ‘We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon...’ you know, like Joni Mitchell. It wasn’t her. I know that. I found out from Sam that her parents still lived out on Deleo Road, out beyond the old rendering plant. I went out that day and her mom, my grandmother, was there. She told me that my mom died in an accident years and years ago._

“I’m sorry, Jen,” Jared whispered in the darkness.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

Jared rolled to his side and threw his arm over Jensen’s chest. “S’okay. I want to hear every word you have to say to me.”

 

“It was the day I found Shithead,” Jensen said. “I was leaving there. Just pulled onto the blacktop and he ran out in front of the bike. Made me wipe out on the wet road.”

 

Jared chuckled. “You brought him home on the bike?”

 

“Yeah, I did. I thought...”

 

“Hm?”

 

“How we’d been talking about getting a dog.” Jensen laced their fingers together. “Sam told me to let my mom go and I guess that’s what I was trying to do. Not much choice considering, but suddenly, there was this pup right in front of me. Not like she put him there _but like I let her go and the world opened up an opportunity for me, you know?_ _Jared? ...It’s okay, sleep, darlin’. You’ve got a whole lifetime to listen to me.”_

 


	13. Epilogue

 

 

[ ](http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/ssmudge/media/supernatural/BB2%202016/header4_zpsi8wafmqi.png.html)

 

 

**May 2016**

 

She pushed the cigarette lighter in on the dash of the old Dodge Fury and waited. It was nearly 11 a.m. on a Friday morning. She expected them at any moment and wasn’t disappointed when they rounded the corner with the big dog at their heels. They moved in sync, bumping shoulders and grinning at one another, her boy and his husband. There was barely a noticeable limp in Jared’s walk to suggest that he had a prosthesis. She’d seen him run on the artificial blade and was amazed.

 

She’d left town after getting the tattoo in Jensen’s shop. It had been hard, that visit. No amount of money could have adequately reimbursed him for the gift he’d given her that day. She had something of his, something beautiful and permanent that she could look at and touch to remind her of the son she’d lost. It took all she had not to reveal herself to him, but she sworn to herself that she wouldn’t complicate his life.

 

When she had returned to town a few months later, the shop was closed and a new family was moving into the house beside J.D.’s. A quick search of land transfers showed that J.D. had bought out the shop for a ridiculous sum. It made her smile that he cared that much for their son.

 

Things had gone south between her and J.D. She didn’t blame him really. Despite his abandonment of her, she knew she hadn’t chosen the wrong father for her child.

 

She thought back to Biloxi. Lying in a hospital bed with memories of Jimmy slumped bloody and still against the steering wheel as she listened to her father say she was dead to him and to her mother. It cut to the quick, but there was relief in it too. She’d never have to see him again or have his judgment piled on her shoulders. She was free, but that freedom had come at such a cost.

 

She drew back farther into the shadows of the car as Jared and Jensen stopped on the corner to talk to Bob, the owner of Bob’s Deli and Sundries, who was dragging a display of summer pool toys onto the sidewalk.

 

She cranked the window down, and their voices floated across the street. The lighter popped out and she held the glowing coil to the end of her cigarette as she watched and listened.

 

“Hey, Lucky, my friend,” Bob said to the dog as he rubbed its ears. “How are you?”

 

“It’s Shithead,” Jensen said with a grin.

 

“Stop it,” Jared said. “You can’t call a dog that. Am I right?” he asked the grocer.

 

“You can call your dog anything you want,” Jensen said.

 

“But not in front of the children,” Bob said as though they’d all had this conversation before.

 

“There, see,” Jared said.

 

“Fine. Whatever,” Jensen said.

 

“I got some of the corned beef in that you guys like so much,” the grocer said.

 

“Awesome,” Jared replied. “I’ll be back in a couple hours for sandwiches.”

 

They continued to the next building. A two story red brick with three store fronts. The first two held Jared’s tax business and Jensen’s tattoo shop, which were connected by an interior door.

 

A white Buick pulled up at the curb and a middle-aged woman wearing capri pants joined them on the sidewalk. Dorothy recognized her as Jared and Jensen’s former neighbor Heather. She now rented the third store front from which she managed a Christian supply store that sold sheet music, jewelry, ceramic angels and hip Christian t-shirts with slogans like “God puts the awe in awesome” and “Who’s in the house? J.C.’s in the house!”

 

“Hi, guys!” she chirped as she pulled her red hair back in a scrunchy. “Listen, don’t panic. The end of the month was on the weekend, but I’ll have the rent to you this afternoon. Promise!”

 

Jensen turned away to unlock his shop.

 

“No problem,” Jared said. “Just bring it by anytime.”

 

“I will. I absolutely will,” she said.

 

Jensen turned back and landed a kiss on Jared’s mouth. “Don’t be a stranger. I’m right next door,” he said to Jared. He turned to Heather. “Have a great day.”

 

“I, um, yeah, you too,” she babbled as the door shut behind Jensen.

 

Jared just stood there grinning. “Gotta love him, right?”

 

“Yes, he’s...”

 

“Very affectionate.”

 

Heather smiled and chuckled. “I’ll bet.”

 

Dorothy wondered if Jensen had chosen to put his shop between Jared’s and Heather’s intentionally. She smiled and took a drag off her cigarette. Her little green-eyed monster. If so, it was a game. Nothing could come between them. She’d been watching them awhile. A long while off and on. Long enough to watch her boy go after what he wanted right under the nose of J.D and Heather and the good Lord himself all those years ago. Long enough to know come hell or high water, the two of them were forever.

 

She’d lost her faith in forever a long time ago, but they’d restored it. And that was enough for her. She might be crazy, but she knew true love when she saw it.

 

Jared watched Heather walk away and looked down at the dog. “Come on, Shithead. Time to get to work.” The big dog’s tail swept back and forth as it followed Jared to the door of his office.

 

Dorothy stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray and turned the ignition on the old Fury. Time to hit the road again. For a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe not. Just until she needed another dose of hope. Another hit of forever.

 

 

 

-30-

 

_Thank you all so much for reading._

_I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Comments are love._

 


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